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David Copper Archives

Cubs to sell stadium, team, fans as package deal

CHICAGO, IL -- After months of talks with an Illinois state agency have failed to produce a deal for Wrigley Field, the Tribune Company – led by CEO Sam Zell [continue reading...]

Posted on May 14th, 2008

Chiefs’ GM arrested for drafting while intoxicated

KANSAS CITY, MO -- NFL fans around the league knew something had gone horribly awry when it was announced that the Kansas City Chiefs had selected punter Brian Ross from [continue reading...]

Posted on April 28th, 2008

Mock draft administrator clearly a virgin

NEW YORK, NY -- With the 2008 NFL draft only hours away, many questions remain unanswered: who will be the highest quarterback drafted? Will any teams trade their first round [continue reading...]

Posted on April 26th, 2008

Cubs win 10,000^th meaningless game

DENVER, CO -- The Chicago Cub's dramatic tenth-inning victory over the Colorado Rockies Wednesday night was more than just an early-season morale booster, it was one for the record books: [continue reading...]

Posted on April 24th, 2008

Skiles wakes up hungover, hopes he didn’t do anything stupid in Milwaukee on Monday

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Former NBA guard and recent Bulls head coach Scott Skiles woke up Tuesday morning with a brutal hangover and a nagging feeling that he had done something [continue reading...]

Posted on April 22nd, 2008

Garnett apologizes to Celtics fans for “uncharacteristic” post-season performance

BOSTON, MA -- After helping his Celtics demolish the eighth-seeded Atlanta Hawks in game one of the their first-round NBA playoff series, a tearful Kevin Garnett apologized to fans for [continue reading...]

Posted on April 22nd, 2008

Tejada admits he’s actually 70-year-old former Dodger Manny Mota

HOUSTON, TX -- When Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada was signed by the Oakland Athletics in 1993, he told team officials he was 17. But Tejada now admits he was [continue reading...]

Posted on April 18th, 2008

Jones accidentally files for reinstatement with IRS

NASHVILLE, TN -- Racing against the clock to meet a Tuesday night deadline, suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones accidentally filed for reinstatement with the Internal Revenue Service. IRS commissioner [continue reading...]

Posted on April 18th, 2008

Youzhny files assault charges against self

MIAMI, FL -- Russian Tennis player Mikhail Youzhny made sports highlight reels for a bizarre incident during his match against Spain's Nicolas Almagro at the Miami Masters. Frustrated with himself [continue reading...]

Posted on April 17th, 2008

MLB players urge Canseco to concentrate on family, hobbies instead of finishing new book

MIAMI, FL -- Nearly three years after Jose Canseco's highly controversial book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, the publishing world is abuzz with [continue reading...]

Posted on April 17th, 2008

Fellow golfers recommend months, perhaps years of rest for Woods’ ailing knee

HILTON HEAD, SC -- Members of the golf world are unanimous in their undying support for Tiger Woods, after the four-time Masters winner underwent arthroscopic surgery to repair a cartilage [continue reading...]

Posted on April 16th, 2008

Several Charlotte Bobcats considering turning pro

CHARLOTTE, NC -- SSNN has confirmed rumors that several members of the Charlotte Bobcats – including Sean May and Raymond Felton – are contemplating leaving the team early to turn [continue reading...]

Posted on April 15th, 2008

Anthony arrested for suspicion of driving under influence of Iverson

DENVER, CO -- NBA All-Star Carmelo Anthony was arrested Monday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence of All-Star guard Allen Iverson. Arresting officer Sharon Hahn gave SSNN myriad reasons [continue reading...]

Posted on April 14th, 2008

Construction workers find Schilling buried under new Yankee Stadium

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Having previously excavated a David Ortiz jersey from the bowels of the new Yankee stadium, construction workers on Sunday discovered another artifact placed there for [continue reading...]

Posted on April 14th, 2008

IOC also strips Jones of steroids-induced mustache

FORT WORTH, TX -- The IOC has ruled today that in addition to giving up her Olympic medals former track star Marion Jones must also relinquish "any and all residual [continue reading...]

Posted on April 14th, 2008

Steroid supplier planning to boycott Olympics

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Deeply troubled by various human rights violations committed by China, steroids supplier Darrin McReady has said that he will not supply Olympic athletes with illegal [continue reading...]

Posted on April 12th, 2008

Demonstrator awarded gold medal by confused Olympics judges

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Seth Garfield, protester of the 2008 Olympic Games – or, more specifically, Beijing, China – was the proud and extremely surprised winner of a gold medal [continue reading...]

Posted on April 11th, 2008

Thomas vows to return Walsh’s calls eventually

NEW YORK, NY -- Isiah Thomas, head coach of the struggling New York Knicks, claims not to be deeply concerned about phone calls from new Knicks president Donnie Walsh. Despite his [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Vick’s prison coach eagerly awaits arrival of other NFL players

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- Happy with the recent acquisition of Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, Harvey Hill, head coach of Vick's prison team the Leavenworth Stars, has expressed great optimism with [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Herschel Walker proud, resentful, confused, sleepy to carry Olympic torch

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Former Olympian and professional athlete Herschel Walker held a press conference today to announce that in spite of ongoing controversy regarding the upcoming 2008 Olympics he [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

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