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Tom Archives
Boilermakers, Orangemen, Gators top list of sleepers
If you’re examining the NCAA basketball predictions by BetUs, you’ll likely find that many are experts are picking Kansas, Ohio State and Duke to cut down the nets in [continue reading...]
Posted on March 5th, 2011
Manhattan social services rescues infant child from incompetent fantasy owner father
MANHATTAN -- When Emmitt Adelson and his wife Kim had a daughter recently, they named her Michelle. It was a moment of joy for both of them and their families. [continue reading...]
Posted on April 28th, 2010
Crosby complains that Stanley Cup is too heavy
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Given that his Pittsburgh Penguins have won the NHL championship and reclaimed the Stanley Cup, one would think that Sidney Crosby would be pretty happy these days. [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2009
Manny Ramirez busted for juicing
LOS ANGELES -- Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league's substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he's been injecting himself with various fruit juices [continue reading...]
Posted on May 7th, 2009
Sidney Crosby upset because all the hats on the ice hurt his vagina
WASHINGTON, DC -- Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon [continue reading...]
Posted on May 5th, 2009
Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed
WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of [continue reading...]
Posted on April 15th, 2009
After Obama selects North Carolina to win national championship, team goes to Senate for confirmation
WASHINGTON, DC -- The North Carolina Tar Heels were selected by president Barack Obama to win the National Championship, and took the first major step toward that goal with an [continue reading...]
Posted on April 8th, 2009
Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers
DETROIT, MI--President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety [continue reading...]
Posted on March 30th, 2009
Cornell fan devises diabolical plan to get Big Red past Mizzou in NCAAs
ARLINGTON, VA -- Local patent attorney Mark Westeschtein is known for three things among his friends: his searingly intellectual prowess (normally viewed in application of the American patent process), his [continue reading...]
Posted on March 17th, 2009
Belichick trades heart-less Cassel for almost nothing
KANSAS CITY, MO -- The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at [continue reading...]
Posted on March 3rd, 2009
Jose Rijo denies allegations; says he’s very careful about ages of minors
WASHINGTON, DC -- Jose Rijo vehemently denied any involvement with an age scandal that is rocking Major League Baseball and the Washington Nationals. "I am not at all guilty of what [continue reading...]
Posted on February 27th, 2009
Furious Elin Nordegren divorces Tiger Woods following loss to Tim Clarke
JUPITER, FL -- Less than a month after giving birth to the family's second child, Charlie Axel Woods, a furious Elin Nordegren has announced she's filing for divorce from her [continue reading...]
Posted on February 27th, 2009
Hoffman to participate in sausage race instead of pitch
MILWAUKEE, WI -- The Milwaukee Brewers proudly announced that they have found a role for Trevor Hoffman on their club. "Yeah, that was a biggie, finding a way to get Trevor [continue reading...]
Posted on February 19th, 2009
Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher
NEW YORK -- Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming "Where the hell is Ashton?!" over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed [continue reading...]
Posted on February 18th, 2009
Man furious with co-workers for skipping his Pro Bowl party
MORRISTOWN, N.J. -- Things are awkward at DataTech Systems this morning, as Charlie Zimmer is seething mad at all of his co-workers. "What can I say," Zimmer said. "I work with [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
In preseason douche poll, Lane Kiffin wins biggest douche in the SEC award, stunning the field
KNOXVILLE, TN -- The Lane Kiffin era in Tennessee is off to a better start than ever hoped, with the results of the conference's annual Preseason Douchebag Coach Poll being [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
Dominican baseballer A-Rod responds to charges — “No hablo Ingles.”
NEW YORK -- Controversy exploded this weekend when Dominican-American baseballer Alex Rodriguez was accused of using steroids. Rodriguez, widely considered the greatest player in the game, went into seclusion virtually immediately. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
Tiger Woods son granted tour card
SAN DIEGO, CA -- Tiger Woods' two-day old son Charlie Axel Woods was granted a PGA tour card for the 2009 season after the newborn shot a 67 at Torrey [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
NFL season to climax today with Pro Bowl
HONOLULU, HI -- The 2008-09 NFL season will climax this afternoon with the annual playing of the Pro Bowl, the most highly anticipated wonderful afternoon of football in the whole [continue reading...]
Posted on February 8th, 2009
Phelps robs bank, kills man; USOC accepts apology
CHARLESTON, SC -- Olympic superstar Michael Phelps apologized to the nation today after security camera photos captured him robbing a Bank of America bank branch here in Charleston, and also [continue reading...]
Posted on February 6th, 2009
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