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Matt Greiner Archives

ESPN unveils latest summer gimmick: “Who’s Porno Hot?”

BRISTOL, CT – Sports fans often dread the news wasteland that is the month of July; the NBA and NHL Finals are over, the NFL has yet to start training [continue reading...]

Posted on July 2nd, 2008

Tom Brady, Sr. having trouble picking out son’s birthday gift

SAN MATEO, CA -- Tom Brady, Sr. – father of New England Patriots' superstar quarterback Tom Brady – is having a "helluva time" figuring out what to get his son [continue reading...]

Posted on June 26th, 2008

“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston

BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

Schilling’s shoulder to have own blog

BOSTON, MA -- Following Boston Red Sox Pitcher Curt Schilling's recent disclosure that he will have potentially career-ending shoulder surgery, the outspoken Schilling announced today that his shoulder will chronicle [continue reading...]

Posted on June 23rd, 2008

O.J. disturbed by Vick’s admission

MIAMI, FL -- Taking a few minutes to chat with SSNN in between holes at his favorite Miami-area golf course, O.J. Simpson reacted to Michael Vick's recent guilty [continue reading...]

Posted on September 5th, 2007

Steven Jackson wins Nobel Peace Prize

OSLO, NORWAY -- Winning a Nobel Prize is widely considered the ultimate achievement in each of the areas for which they are awarded: Physics, Chemistry, Literature, Peace, Physiology and Medicine. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2007

Local vendor union announces personnel changes

CHICAGO, IL -- Chicagoland sports fans will be seeing some new faces at local sporting events come September 1. The local Chapter 113 of the Brotherhood of Athletic Retail Food [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2007

Local sportscaster’s absurd prediction made boldly

NEW YORK, NY -- While co-hosting the 1-4 PM EST time slot on ESPN radio – formerly held by Dan Patrick – New York Yankees announcer Michael Kay made an [continue reading...]

Posted on August 24th, 2007

Arizona Cardinals’ mascot job not all it’s cracked up to be

GLENDALE, AZ -- Standing outside of the storage closet that acts as his dressing room at University of Phoenix Stadium, Arizona Cardinals mascot and local community theater actor Michael Johansen [continue reading...]

Posted on August 22nd, 2007

Beckham enjoying retirement from soccer

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Just over a month after his much-heralded arrival in Los Angeles, David Beckham took a moment to give SSNN an update on how he's adjusting to [continue reading...]

Posted on August 21st, 2007

Henry excited for super bowl

DENVER, CO -- Sitting comfortably at a picnic bench at Denver Broncos' training camp, newly acquired running back Travis Henry took the opportunity to contemplate his future. Looking whimsically at [continue reading...]

Posted on August 7th, 2007

Unborn Brady child ranked #21 fantasy QB

FOXBORO, MA -- ESPN's resident fantasy expert Matthew Berry is no stranger to going out on a limb, and this year is no different. In the recently posted fantasy football [continue reading...]

Posted on August 2nd, 2007

FBI to hide, protect Donaghy

NEW YORK, NY -- The FBI announced today that NBA referee Tim Donaghy will receive around-the-clock protection in an undisclosed location, as a precaution after violent threats were issued by [continue reading...]

Posted on July 31st, 2007

Mickelson claims to be playing for second place

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- One week after missing the cut at this year's Open Championship, a surprisingly calm Phil Mickelson took the opportunity to explain how he can so easily [continue reading...]

Posted on July 28th, 2007

Racism more “Now” than sexism

BRISTOL, CT -- In an unfortunate continuation of the internally popular segment "Who's Now", ESPN is extending the discussion from athletes to the more controversial aspects of modern American culture. [continue reading...]

Posted on July 25th, 2007

Selig to watch record broken at home in HD

NEW YORK, NY -- MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that he will not attend historic slugger Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run game, but that he will honor the event [continue reading...]

Posted on July 20th, 2007

Morrison admits to double life

CHARLOTTE, NC -- Today, in an announcement that shocked literally nobody, the Charlotte Bobcats' up-and-coming forward Adam Morrison revealed that he and popular porn star Mustachio Trailerwood are, in fact, [continue reading...]

Posted on July 19th, 2007

WNBA “highlights” reportedly used in terrorist training

WASHINGTON, DC -- After months of surveillance and interrogation, the CIA has learned that Al Qaeda is using a highly unorthodox yet effective tool for preparing would-be terrorists in their [continue reading...]

Posted on July 15th, 2007

EXPOSÉ: Hilton ran clippers for last five years

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Fans of the Los Angeles Clippers have long felt the sting of an inept, penny-pinching front office controlling their hopes and dreams. Today, perhaps they gain [continue reading...]

Posted on July 13th, 2007

Jordan establishes charity org.

BEAVERTON, OR -- For years, Michael Jordan's critics have chastised him for not using his substantial fame and personal wealth to help create positive social change in the world. Today [continue reading...]

Posted on July 11th, 2007