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Kolsky Archives

Arenas forced to drop “Black President” nickname

Arenas recently learned he has to give up his “Black President” nickname.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With Barack Obama's Tuesday inauguration as America's first African-American president, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has had to come to some tough realizations. "All of a sudden, [continue reading...]

Posted on January 28th, 2009

Boston man spends two-thirds of date talking about John Smoltz

Smoltz probably doesn’t even know this happened.

BOSTON, MA -- After a blind date turned into an educational seminar on baseball, Jamie Jones told SSNN there is a "better chance of Tommy [O'Brien, her date] sleeping with [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

Kurt Warner regularly thanks God for Matt Leinart sucking

Warner regularly prays for Leinart’s suckiness.

TAMPA, FL -- As a successful man of faith, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has often found himself giving thanks to his creator for the many good things that have [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

Carroll actually angry at Sanchez over QB’s intent to “stick it to my daughter”

Pete Carroll has no intention of seeing his daughter violated by Mark Sanchez.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Football fans around the country were surprised earlier this month when normally ultra-supportive USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll seemed to publicly disapprove of quarterback Mark [continue reading...]

Posted on January 26th, 2009

After dropping from Senate contention, Kennedy wants New York job where you get paid $20 million a year to do nothing

Caroline thinks she can fill Starbury’s shoes.

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- When presumptive frontrunner Caroline Kennedy withdrew her name from consideration for the New York senate seat vacated by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, many people [continue reading...]

Posted on January 26th, 2009

Cardinals move up to seventh in ESPN’s latest power rankings

BRISTOL, CT -- Sunday's release of the ESPN.com's latest NFL power rankings saw the Arizona Cardinals make a big jump to seventh, while the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings took [continue reading...]

Posted on January 25th, 2009

George W. Bush no longer feeling guilty about managing his fantasy baseball team for 8-10 hours a day

CRAWFORD, TX -- Four days removed from his eight-year term as President of the United States of America, a seemingly happy-go-lucky George W. Bush is feeling a lot better about [continue reading...]

Posted on January 24th, 2009

CBS decision to ring in Obama presidency with “One Shining Moment” montage proves controversial

CBS thought it wise to use “One Shining Moment” for their Obama montage… Oops.

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After spending most of the day Tuesday covering the inauguration of new US President Barack Obama, CBS television used the evening and all night to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 23rd, 2009

Nets expected to sign sack of rocks for $2.3 million to facilitate Hughes-Simmons trade

Larry is likely to be traded for Bobby Simmons and a sack of rocks.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ -- As the NBA trade deadline approaches, rumors of a trade involving Bobby Simmons of the New Jersey Nets and Larry Hughes of the Chicago Bulls are [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Kent retires, much to nobody’s dismay

LOS ANGELES, CA -- A major hot stove story broke from the Los Angeles Dodgers today, where five-time All-Star and probable Hall-of-Famer Jeff Kent announced his retirement from Major League [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Typo caused Furcal to sign three-year, $30 deal

Furcal is confused and upset over his contract.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- A month after signing his new free agent deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers, Rafael Furcal has made a startling and troubling discovery. "I finally got my [continue reading...]

Posted on January 20th, 2009

Steelers still not sure who they’ll face in Super Bowl XLIII

Mike Tomlin is NOT amused by the big Cardinals joke.

PITTSBURGH, PA -- Though the glow from their AFC Championship victory over the Baltimore Ravens has yet to fully fade, the Pittsburgh Steelers are ready to move on and begin [continue reading...]

Posted on January 19th, 2009

Cuban uses blog to challenge J.R. Smith to steel cage match

Cuban will eat your face off if you fuck with his team.

DALLAS, TX -- Days after being assessed a $25,000 fine for improper interaction with an opposing player, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is pushing the envelope again – this time [continue reading...]

Posted on January 18th, 2009

Kaká considering name change for English-speaking fans

Kaká is dead serious about his name change.

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND -- As he ponders a move to a Manchester City squad that has reportedly offered him a salary of £500,000 (or approximately $750,000) per week, Brazilian soccer superstar [continue reading...]

Posted on January 17th, 2009

Schwartz hoping NFL adds regular season games for shot at loss record

Schwartz is thrilled for his opportunity in Detroit…

DETROIT, MI -- Now that he has been formally introduced as the head coach of the 0-16 Detroit Lions, former Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz has begun the process [continue reading...]

Posted on January 17th, 2009

Gruden to Bucs: “I’m taking QBs with me”

Gruden was none too pleased with his firing today.

TAMPA, FL -- In the wake of his surprising and much-ballyhooed firing from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, longtime NFL head coach Jon Gruden has served notice to his former team [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

Baltimore mayor to change name to “Steelerssuckballsxon”

BALTIMORE, MD -- In a somewhat extreme response to Pittsburgh counterpart Luke Ravenstahl changing his last name to Steelerstahl, Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon will become Sheila Steelerssuckballsxon later this morning. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

Vick threatening to become a vet if he can’t play in NFL

Oswaldo does NOT want Michael Vick as a vet!

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- After watching his former team thrive with rookie Matt Ryan at quarterback, former NFL star Michael Vick knows his days as an Atlanta Falcon are over – [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Zambrano irate about CTA fare increase

CHICAGO, IL -- After arriving in town for this coming weekend's Cubs Convention, team ace Carlos Zambrano was greeted with a rude surprise as he attempted to board an Orange [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

1,000,000th American man masturbates while thinking about Erin Andrews

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY -- Though he had no idea of the importance of his actions at the time, Poughkeepsie resident Gene Wilkinson made history somewhere around 12:30 A.M. Eastern Time Wednesday [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009