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Featured News Archives

Mel Kiper, Jr. goes into hibernation for the summer

NEW YORK, NY—Following the conclusion of last weekend’s NFL draft, ESPN’s NFL-draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. retreated to his cave in upstate New York where he has gone [continue reading...]

Posted on April 30th, 2009

Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed

WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of [continue reading...]

Posted on April 15th, 2009

After Obama selects North Carolina to win national championship, team goes to Senate for confirmation

WASHINGTON, DC -- The North Carolina Tar Heels were selected by president Barack Obama to win the National Championship, and took the first major step toward that goal with an [continue reading...]

Posted on April 8th, 2009

Hal Steinbrenner thinks Derek Jeter may get a lot of chicks

NEW YORK -- Fresh off his revelation last week that Yankees ticket prices are too high, Hal Steinbrenner dropped another bombshell this week, indicating that he has also surmised that [continue reading...]

Posted on April 4th, 2009

Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers

DETROIT, MI--President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety [continue reading...]

Posted on March 30th, 2009

Curt Schilling’s blog inducted into baseball Hall of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a move not seen since Roberto Clemente’s posthumous induction in 1973, the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York waived its customary five-year waiting period earlier [continue reading...]

Posted on March 25th, 2009

Collective Yawn Goes Unheard

Miami, FL -- Government agencies along the East Coast of the United States have reported a previously uncharted seismic occurrence. Newly developed technology designed to measure the effect of [continue reading...]

Posted on March 22nd, 2009

Cutler, McDaniels to Schedule Slapfight

ENGLEWOOD, CO -- Two days after Denver quarterback Jay Cutler put his four-bedroom, seven-bathroom, one-waterfall, custom-built Denver area home on the market, the Broncos announced a final shocking twist in [continue reading...]

Posted on March 19th, 2009

Cornell fan devises diabolical plan to get Big Red past Mizzou in NCAAs

ARLINGTON, VA -- Local patent attorney Mark Westeschtein is known for three things among his friends: his searingly intellectual prowess (normally viewed in application of the American patent process), his [continue reading...]

Posted on March 17th, 2009

Albert Pujols tearfully admits cheating

ST LOUIS, MO--In the wake of Alex Rodriguez’s revelation, St. Louis Cardinals first baseman and superstar extraordinaire Albert Pujols called a press conference today to come clean. Pujols slunk [continue reading...]

Posted on March 14th, 2009

Milton Bradley speaking solely in Internet meme

CHICAGO, IL—Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley has gotten off to a rocky start with his new club, already earning himself many enemies in the locker room and front office, due to [continue reading...]

Posted on March 12th, 2009

Sports reporter would rather be covering economy instead of a basketball game

PORTLAND, OR—Portland Tribune reporter James Answel found himself completely unable to focus during the Trailblazers 111-94 rout of the Lakers Tuesday night, his journalistic mind preoccupied with matters outside the [continue reading...]

Posted on March 12th, 2009

Belichick trades heart-less Cassel for almost nothing

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at [continue reading...]

Posted on March 3rd, 2009

Manny Ramirez emphasizes to Dodgers he plans to sell his private jet and begin investing in alternative energy

LOS ANGELES, CA—Fresh off of his rejection of the Dodgers’ latest contract extension, Manny Ramirez released a statement through his agent Scott Boras on Monday, in which the twelve-time all-star [continue reading...]

Posted on March 1st, 2009

Jose Rijo denies allegations; says he’s very careful about ages of minors

WASHINGTON, DC -- Jose Rijo vehemently denied any involvement with an age scandal that is rocking Major League Baseball and the Washington Nationals. "I am not at all guilty of what [continue reading...]

Posted on February 27th, 2009

Reporter develops new “on steroids” game for A-Rod, kind of like “in bed” with fortune cookies

SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA -- In an amazing development of modern journalism, reporter Michael Terwilliger of SSNN's Palm Beach, Fla. satellite office has developed an amazing game. "It's just like the fortune [continue reading...]

Posted on February 27th, 2009

Furious Elin Nordegren divorces Tiger Woods following loss to Tim Clarke

JUPITER, FL -- Less than a month after giving birth to the family's second child, Charlie Axel Woods, a furious Elin Nordegren has announced she's filing for divorce from her [continue reading...]

Posted on February 27th, 2009

Las Vegas declared ice hockey capital of North America

LAS VEGAS, NV – Long understood to be primarily a Canadian sport, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made an announcement yesterday that suggests that there is a sense change on the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 25th, 2009

Hockey to remove fighting from game; replace it with Rock, Paper, Scissors

TORONTO, CA – Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years. Due to concerns with the safety [continue reading...]

Posted on February 25th, 2009

Hoffman to participate in sausage race instead of pitch

MILWAUKEE, WI -- The Milwaukee Brewers proudly announced that they have found a role for Trevor Hoffman on their club. "Yeah, that was a biggie, finding a way to get Trevor [continue reading...]

Posted on February 19th, 2009

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