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Featured News Archives
Sosa: “See, that corked bat thing doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”
CHICAGO, IL—Amid revelations that he tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, Sammy Sosa took the opportunity yesterday to address different allegations, specifically those that arose after he was discovered [continue reading...]
Posted on June 17th, 2009
Crosby complains that Stanley Cup is too heavy
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Given that his Pittsburgh Penguins have won the NHL championship and reclaimed the Stanley Cup, one would think that Sidney Crosby would be pretty happy these days. [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2009
Sidney Crosby removes wax beard
DETROIT, MI—Flushed with excitement after his team’s 2-1 victory over the Red Wings Friday night, Sidney Crosby joyously removed the small wax beard and mustache that he had been wearing [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2009
Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup
DETROIT, MI—In a 10-month span that witnessed the collapse of its vaunted car industry, a continued stay as the nation’s most dangerous city, and an 0-16 Lions season, it seemed [continue reading...]
Posted on June 12th, 2009
Local 12-year-olds disappointed by lack of Kobe-LeBron Final
KINGSBURY, NY—Local 12-year-olds Howard Harrison and Damien Shingwel announced today their disappointment that this year’s much-anticipated, much-hyped potential NBA Finals matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los [continue reading...]
Posted on June 3rd, 2009
Favre: no plans to retire from being mental pain in the ass every spring
HATTIESBURG, MS -- After a disappointing run with the New York Jets in 2008, retired quarterback Brett Favre is flirting with the Minnesota Vikings in an attempt to resurrect [continue reading...]
Posted on May 8th, 2009
Manny Ramirez busted for juicing
LOS ANGELES -- Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league's substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he's been injecting himself with various fruit juices [continue reading...]
Posted on May 7th, 2009
Sidney Crosby upset because all the hats on the ice hurt his vagina
WASHINGTON, DC -- Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon [continue reading...]
Posted on May 5th, 2009
Matthew Stafford flees to Canada to avoid playing for Detroit Lions
NEW YORK, NY—Shortly after being notified that he had been drafted by the Detroit Lions, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford packed what belongings he could carry and fled north to Canada, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 1st, 2009
Mel Kiper, Jr. goes into hibernation for the summer
NEW YORK, NY—Following the conclusion of last weekend’s NFL draft, ESPN’s NFL-draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. retreated to his cave in upstate New York where he has gone [continue reading...]
Posted on April 30th, 2009
Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed
WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of [continue reading...]
Posted on April 15th, 2009
After Obama selects North Carolina to win national championship, team goes to Senate for confirmation
WASHINGTON, DC -- The North Carolina Tar Heels were selected by president Barack Obama to win the National Championship, and took the first major step toward that goal with an [continue reading...]
Posted on April 8th, 2009
Hal Steinbrenner thinks Derek Jeter may get a lot of chicks
NEW YORK -- Fresh off his revelation last week that Yankees ticket prices are too high, Hal Steinbrenner dropped another bombshell this week, indicating that he has also surmised that [continue reading...]
Posted on April 4th, 2009
Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers
DETROIT, MI--President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety [continue reading...]
Posted on March 30th, 2009
Curt Schilling’s blog inducted into baseball Hall of Fame
COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a move not seen since Roberto Clemente’s posthumous induction in 1973, the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York waived its customary five-year waiting period earlier [continue reading...]
Posted on March 25th, 2009
Collective Yawn Goes Unheard
Miami, FL -- Government agencies along the East Coast of the United States have reported a previously uncharted seismic occurrence. Newly developed technology designed to measure the effect of [continue reading...]
Posted on March 22nd, 2009
Cutler, McDaniels to Schedule Slapfight
ENGLEWOOD, CO -- Two days after Denver quarterback Jay Cutler put his four-bedroom, seven-bathroom, one-waterfall, custom-built Denver area home on the market, the Broncos announced a final shocking twist in [continue reading...]
Posted on March 19th, 2009
Cornell fan devises diabolical plan to get Big Red past Mizzou in NCAAs
ARLINGTON, VA -- Local patent attorney Mark Westeschtein is known for three things among his friends: his searingly intellectual prowess (normally viewed in application of the American patent process), his [continue reading...]
Posted on March 17th, 2009
Albert Pujols tearfully admits cheating
ST LOUIS, MO--In the wake of Alex Rodriguez’s revelation, St. Louis Cardinals first baseman and superstar extraordinaire Albert Pujols called a press conference today to come clean. Pujols slunk [continue reading...]
Posted on March 14th, 2009
Milton Bradley speaking solely in Internet meme
CHICAGO, IL—Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley has gotten off to a rocky start with his new club, already earning himself many enemies in the locker room and front office, due to [continue reading...]
Posted on March 12th, 2009
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Featured News
- Sosa: “See, that corked bat thing doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”
- Crosby complains that Stanley Cup is too heavy
- Sidney Crosby removes wax beard
- Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup
- Local 12-year-olds disappointed by lack of Kobe-LeBron Final
- Older Featured News...
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- Todd Haley to interview with Chiefs about the possibility of yelling at their players
- Patriots coach Bill Belichick caught taping the Cardinals’ taping of the Steelers’ practice
- Polamalu thinking about buying a vowel
- ESPN discovers 28 other MLB squads
- Older News In Brief...
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