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war Archives

France declares war on Detroit Lions, ends 120-year losing streak

DETROIT, MI—Lions officials are reeling today after a surprise attack by France, in which French forces besieged and captured all Lions property within the city of Detroit. French paratroopers landed [continue reading...]

Posted on January 7th, 2009

Lee becomes free agent, signs with Confederacy

RICHMOND, VA -- In a stunning eleventh-hour move, Colonel Robert E. Lee opted out of his contract with the United States and signed with the newly-created Confederate States of America, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

War of 1812 discovered to be first use of SABRmetrics

PRINCETON, NY -- A team of archaeologists and historians from Princeton University have made an unbelievable discovery, namely that a precursor to SABRmetrics was indeed employed during the War of [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Waxman literally has nothing else to do

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Henry Waxman has heard the complaints before. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman has been asked countless times, and he still has only one [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Concept of NBA Lottery patiently explained to Gilbert Arenas after attempted purchase of tickets

WASHINGTON, DC -- NBA star Gilbert Arenas was reportedly seen in a Washington, D.C. 7-11 insisting that he had a "really good feeling" about the upcoming NBA Lottery. Displaying crossed [continue reading...]

Posted on April 2nd, 2008

Pheidippides runs to Athens, announces victory, urges end to competitive running

ATHENS, GREECE -- During his 26.2 mile run from Marathon to Athens, Pheidippides had a lot of time to think. The Greek soldier, dispatched from Marathon to tell the Athenians of [continue reading...]

Posted on December 17th, 2007

Fox Sports urges Landon Donovan to “go the extra mile”

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In correlation with the U.S. Government's recent sanctions against Iran, Fox Sports is urging American soccer star, Landon Donovan, to destroy all Iranian soccer facilities. "It's imperative [continue reading...]

Posted on November 5th, 2007

Cuban likely to declare war on Rockets

DALLAS, TX -- Mark Cuban held a press conference on Monday to announce the Dallas Mavericks "newest acquisition," but it was quickly established that the team did not have a [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2007

Chicago, Los Angeles marshalling forces for Olympic showdown

CHICAGO, IL -- After weeks of extreme tensions between Chicago and Los Angeles, the cities have declared war on one another and are preparing for a battle the likes of [continue reading...]

Posted on April 13th, 2007

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