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USC Trojans Archives

Kurt Warner regularly thanks God for Matt Leinart sucking

TAMPA, FL -- As a successful man of faith, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has often found himself giving thanks to his creator for the many good things that have [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

Carroll actually angry at Sanchez over QB’s intent to “stick it to my daughter”

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Football fans around the country were surprised earlier this month when normally ultra-supportive USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll seemed to publicly disapprove of quarterback Mark [continue reading...]

Posted on January 26th, 2009

Pete Carroll: “Our players make way too much money to lose to a team like Oregon State”

WHEREVER THE HELL OREGON STATE IS LOCATED -- A despondent Pete Carroll gave a terse press conference Thursday evening after his number one ranked USC Trojans were upset surprisingly by [continue reading...]

Posted on September 26th, 2008

Matt Cassel prays science experiment ends world before Sunday

FOXBORO, MA—Newly-minted Patriots starting QB Matt Cassel has begun to pray that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment in Geneva, Switzerland induces a cataclysmic reaction and ending all life on [continue reading...]

Posted on September 11th, 2008

Buckeyes eyeing another BCS Championship thrashing

COLUMBUS, OH -- As the spring football season winds down, many teams have dreams of conference championships and bowl victories. The Ohio State Buckeyes, however, have a different goal [continue reading...]

Posted on May 12th, 2008

Neuheisel, Carroll engage in wrestling match over recruit

VISTA, CA -- Standout prep running back Mark Gonzalez got his first up-close look at the USC-UCLA rivalry Wednesday, but it wasn't on the football field - it was in [continue reading...]

Posted on May 8th, 2008

Leinart claims he always drinks out of bong

PHOENIX, AZ -- Photos showing former USC and current Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart holding court with some young ladies in a hot tub and utilizing a beer bong made [continue reading...]

Posted on April 7th, 2008

Bush shines at USC pro day

LOS ANGELES, CA -- The USC Trojans held their annual Pro Day yesterday in hopes of attracting notice for players hoping to be picked in the upcoming NFL draft. However, [continue reading...]

Posted on March 14th, 2008

Problem solved: ‘Melo buys USC

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Just a week or so after he found himself in hot water for accepting tickets from Carmelo Anthony, O.J. Mayo is off the hook. That is because [continue reading...]

Posted on January 28th, 2008

Carroll agrees to Falcons’ proposal on one condition

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Sources tell SSNN that USC head coach Pete Carroll spoke at length with Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank via phone Thursday evening about the Falcons' head [continue reading...]

Posted on January 11th, 2008

Stanford mathletes solve famous Trojan Theorem

After the surprising upset of Southern California, nine "mathletes" at Stanford University proved that it was possible for an incompetent football team coached by a psychotic ex-quarterback dud to defeat [continue reading...]

Posted on December 30th, 2007

Tiny Mercer College defeats OJ Mayo

LOS ANGELES, CA -- College basketball fans witnessed another upset on Saturday as tiny Mercer College defeated freshman sensation OJ Mayo. "He was as good as advertised," Mercer standout James Florence [continue reading...]

Posted on November 14th, 2007

USC petitions ESPN to keep “dynasty” label

LOS ANGELES, CA -– Despite losing their second game of the season, SSNN has learned that The University of Southern California has filed a petition with ESPN to keep their [continue reading...]

Posted on November 1st, 2007

McKnight one big game from first raise

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Following two straight impressive performances, heralded USC super-frosh Joe McKnight made significant strides in receiving the first pay increase of his career. "He's really close. Now [continue reading...]

Posted on October 22nd, 2007

USC routs Irish after God is unable to crash Trojan plane

SOUTH BEND, IN -- Unable to stymie a roster full of All Americans, Notre Dame fell to USC this Saturday after God’s attempt to crashing the Trojan plane went unsuccessful. [continue reading...]

Posted on October 21st, 2007

Restaurant owner defends Simpson ousting

LOUISVILLE, KY -- The owner of a Louisville restaurant explained his motives today for refusing to serve former NFL Hall of Fame running back O.J. Simpson last Friday when Simpson [continue reading...]

Posted on May 11th, 2007

Mayo changes mind, won’t attend USC

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Controversial high school basketball star O.J. Mayo announced at a press conference Sunday that he no longer plans on attending the University of Southern California, and [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2007

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