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USA Archives

LPGA rewrites English-only rules

SOMEWHERE -- The Ladies Professional Golf Association has rewritten some key program rules recently, following some language problems among the athletes. Originally, LPGA Tour commish Carolyn Bivens approved [continue reading...]

Posted on September 10th, 2008

Lee becomes free agent, signs with Confederacy

RICHMOND, VA -- In a stunning eleventh-hour move, Colonel Robert E. Lee opted out of his contract with the United States and signed with the newly-created Confederate States of America, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Major conflict brewing between women’s field hockey and water polo teams

I’ll take field hockey in a fight, because they have sticks.

BEIJING, CHINA -- The Olympic Village has been rocked this week with major conflict between the United States field hockey and women's water polo teams, who have developed a sort [continue reading...]

Posted on August 21st, 2008

Bush learns that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport

It’s not hard to believe that a guy who looks like this is as dumb as rocks.

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. President George W. Bush had an embarrassing moment today during a sightseeing trip in China, when he was informed that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Artemev refused to compete unless carried off by Karolyi

Karolyi was willing to do his part for US Olympic Gold

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. Olympic gymnast Alexander "Sasha" Artemev put on quite a show on the pommel horse Monday night, ensuring that the United States would win a bronze medal [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

War of 1812 discovered to be first use of SABRmetrics

PRINCETON, NY -- A team of archaeologists and historians from Princeton University have made an unbelievable discovery, namely that a precursor to SABRmetrics was indeed employed during the War of [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Lezak outduels Bernard in Beijing lunchroom

Michael Phelps cheers as Jason Lezak snags final banana in Beijing lunchroom.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Although from 30 yards away it appeared a near impossibility, somehow American swimmer Jason Lezak managed to outreach French swimmer Alain Bernard for the final banana in [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Kaman passes Hinrich for coveted Best White American honors

LOS ANGELES, CA -- The NBA announced Wednesday that Clippers center Chris Kaman has surpassed Kirk Hinrich as the Best White American Basketball Player (BWABP). Hinrich held the BWABP title [continue reading...]

Posted on December 26th, 2007

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