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US Government Archives

Red Sox seek to be added to federal bailout

BOSTON -- Boston Red Sox owner John Henry announced today that he's very close to a deal with the U.S. Treasury in which the Boston Red Sox will be added [continue reading...]

Posted on October 15th, 2008

Jay Cutler makes surprise appearance at Democratic National Convention

It’s hard to tell if Cutler is high or just dumb-looking.

DENVER, CO -- Jay Cutler turned the Democratic National Convention on its ear Wednesday night when he made a surprise appearance following Joe Biden's speech. Cutler, who had been walking the [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Obama asks to have fantasy football draft rescheduled for third time

Obama’s fantasy football league is causing him a lot of stress these days.

DENVER, CO -- Barack Obama's fantasy football leaguemates are growing tired of his antics, and are thinking about taking some real corrective action against the Illinois senator-turned-presidential candidate. "For the third [continue reading...]

Posted on August 27th, 2008

Passing of trade deadline allows President Bush to focus more on politics

Bush now has a few months left where his primary focus will be on the Presidency.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- August 25 has come and gone, and President Bush has informed his staff and the nation at large that he's "now ready to really get back to [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Favre surprised, hurt that he’s not on McCain VP short list

Favre is really sad that he’s not a VP candidate.

NEW YORK, NY -- A disgruntled Brett Favre told reporters Thursday morning that he is "a little surprised and hurt" that he's not being seriously considered as a potential running [continue reading...]

Posted on August 14th, 2008

Bush learns that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport

It’s not hard to believe that a guy who looks like this is as dumb as rocks.

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. President George W. Bush had an embarrassing moment today during a sightseeing trip in China, when he was informed that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Waxman to look into competitive eating scandal

Waxman is still ugly and pig-nosed. Also he hates cheaters.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman – and America's favorite watchdog – Henry Waxman, D-Calif., announced today that he will personally look into the competitive eating scandal [continue reading...]

Posted on July 14th, 2008

Waxman literally has nothing else to do

He’s not proud of it, but Waxman can’t find shit to do…

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Henry Waxman has heard the complaints before. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman has been asked countless times, and he still has only one [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Henry contemplating retirement after receiving hefty economic stimulus check

PHOENIX, AZ -- An ordinary trip to the mailbox Tuesday resulted in elation and an overwhelming flood of emotion for Travis Henry. The six-year NFL veteran and current Denver Broncos [continue reading...]

Posted on May 28th, 2008

Edwards proposes players clean rooms, have nap time

KANSAS CITY, MO -- When Kansas City Chiefs head coach Herman Edwards proposed a rule that would compel NFL players to cut their hair, his mission was to make the [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

First grade class arrested for gambling on NCAA Tournament

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Numerous law enforcement agencies collaborated Friday to take down what they called a major gambling ring going on in the nation's capital. Agents from the FBI, ATF [continue reading...]

Posted on March 29th, 2008

NASA funding threatened after computer picks Villanova to win championship

HOUSTON, TX -- Encouraged by Villanova's improbable advancement into the third round of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, NASA announced yesterday that a specially designed supercomputer had predicted "all along" [continue reading...]

Posted on March 25th, 2008

Ian Kennedy named Governor of New York to replace Spitzer

ALBANY, NY -- Leveraging a little-known clause called the "Best Kennedy available" clause, New York democrats have decided to install Ian Kennedy as their new governor, to replace the deposed [continue reading...]

Posted on March 14th, 2008

CIA offers Yanks announcer job

WASHINGTON, DC -- New York Yankees radio play-by-play announcer John Sterling will be splitting time this upcoming season between his booth in the Bronx, where he has broadcasted games since [continue reading...]

Posted on March 12th, 2008

Congress to investigate sports clichés

WASHINGTON, DC -- With sequels doing so well at the movie box office, Congress has decided to put on another installment of its wildly successful series of investigations into professional [continue reading...]

Posted on March 11th, 2008

Obama and McCain propose using BCS rankings to determine Presidency

DES MOINES, IA -- As the 2008 presidential race heats up, an interesting proposal has emerged from an unlikely source. According to reports, democratic candidate Barack Obama and struggling republican candidate [continue reading...]

Posted on November 17th, 2007

Fox Sports urges Landon Donovan to “go the extra mile”

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In correlation with the U.S. Government's recent sanctions against Iran, Fox Sports is urging American soccer star, Landon Donovan, to destroy all Iranian soccer facilities. "It's imperative [continue reading...]

Posted on November 5th, 2007

Pacman Jones takes nine-month appointment with FEMA

WASHINGTON, DC -- Adam "Pacman" Jones called a press conference on Thursday to express his disappointment and confusion over accepting a job with FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management [continue reading...]

Posted on September 28th, 2007

WNBA “highlights” reportedly used in terrorist training

WASHINGTON, DC -- After months of surveillance and interrogation, the CIA has learned that Al Qaeda is using a highly unorthodox yet effective tool for preparing would-be terrorists in their [continue reading...]

Posted on July 15th, 2007

Walton headed for Congress

WASHINGTON D.C. -- An unusual request – from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky – sent former UCLA superstar and current NBA commentator Bill Walton straight to Washington, D.C. early [continue reading...]

Posted on May 1st, 2007