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Theo Epstein Archives
Rays heading to Tampa for game one of World Series anyway
TAMPA BAY, FL -- The Tampa Bay Rays flew home early this morning, celebrating as they plan on starting the World Series at home next Wednesday, even though they lost [continue reading...]
Posted on October 17th, 2008
Red Sox hoping to trade for a big bat for the rest of the postseason, like Manny Ramirez
BOSTON, MA -- A panicked Theo Epstein spent the entire evening Tuesday working the phones and his BlackBerry, attempting desperately to obtain a power hitter for the Red Sox lineup [continue reading...]
Posted on October 15th, 2008
Papelbon changes intro song from “Wild Thing” to “I Kissed a Girl”
BOSTON, MA—Jonathan Papelbon, all-star closer for the Red Sox has announced that he will change the song played when he leaves the bullpen from the Troggs' "Wild Thing" to Katy [continue reading...]
Posted on August 31st, 2008
Ramirez plans to become gay porn star
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Looking to capitalize on his new locale, Manny Ramirez told SSNN he is hoping to get into the gay porn industry. The latest addition to the Los Angeles [continue reading...]
Posted on August 4th, 2008
Epstein unable to deal with new Red Sox IT system
BOSTON, MA -- With the trade deadline fast approaching, Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein would like to be wheeling and dealing, trying to improve his team for a stretch [continue reading...]
Posted on July 30th, 2008
Minaya focusing on fantasy team more than Mets
NEW YORK, NY -- Whether the New York Mets are willing to admit it or not, Aaron Heilman is unavailable. That is the report that is circulating through the league as [continue reading...]
Posted on July 29th, 2008
Manny Ramirez always rounds up
BOSTON, MA -- Manny Ramirez raised some eyebrows this week when he stated that he has "nearly 2000 RBIs," since a quick check of his career statistics shows that he's [continue reading...]
Posted on July 28th, 2008
BoSox starting rotation to work out at toxic waste dump
BOSTON, MA -- Less than a week after cancer-survivor Jon Lester's no-hitter, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they will begin working out their pitchers next to toxic waste [continue reading...]
Posted on May 23rd, 2008
Manny frightened by time travel, refusing to leave Japan
TOKYO, JAPAN -- The defending World Series Champion Boston Red Sox have returned home from Japan with a win, a loss, and a newfound respect for Japanese culture. One thing [continue reading...]
Posted on March 28th, 2008
Yankees announce plan to annex Quebec
TAMPA, FL -- "Sacre bleu!" was the cry of a jubilant Hank Steinbrenner at a morning press conference, when the New York Yankees Chairman announced the organization's plans to annex [continue reading...]
Posted on March 6th, 2008
BoSox trade Crisp for Lucky Charms
BOSTON, MA -- After weeks of speculation about whether he could reclaim his job as Red Sox center fielder from Jacoby Ellsbury, Coco Crisp was traded today to the Baltimore [continue reading...]
Posted on February 28th, 2008
Red Sox add Simmons to package for Santana
BOSTON, MA -- According to sources within the organization, Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein is now willing to include ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons – more popularly known as The [continue reading...]
Posted on December 18th, 2007
Abbas and Olmert agree to peace between Red Sox and Yankees
ANNAPOLIS, MD -- After a truly momentous exchange that will resonate throughout history, the Red Sox and the Yankees are now at peace, thanks to the sedulous efforts of Israeli [continue reading...]
Posted on November 28th, 2007
Schilling’s contract contains unusual incentives
BOSTON, MA -- Curt Schilling's incentive laden contract includes a two million dollar bonus if the burly pitcher will shut down his blog in time for the 2008 season, and [continue reading...]
Posted on November 7th, 2007
Pirates hire top-rated MLB 2K7 gamer as GM
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Hoping to find their own version of Theo Epstein, the Pittsburgh Pirates hired 17-year-old Chris Lengefeld, the number one rated MLB 2K7 gamer, as general manager of [continue reading...]
Posted on November 3rd, 2007
Red Sox team bus made last-second stop at Sports Authority in Denver
DENVER, CO -- Local citizens at one of Denver's Sports Authority locations were treated to a surprise visit from the Boston Red Sox Saturday morning, as the team had to [continue reading...]
Posted on October 28th, 2007
Youkilis blasts anti-semitism as the reason for demotion
DENVER, CO -- Boston Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis is in talks with the Anti-Defamation League about a possible lawsuit against his employer, after he was informed that he [continue reading...]
Posted on October 27th, 2007
Red Sox losing ways all part of master plan
BOSTON, MA -- In a surprise development late Wednesday, following a three-game sweep at the hands of the Blue Jays, Boston Red Sox starter Curt Schilling revealed that [continue reading...]
Posted on September 20th, 2007
Millions of "die-hard" Red Sox fans celebrate no-hitter by "some dude"
BOSTON, MA -- Millions of die-hard Red Sox fans took to the streets this week to celebrate a no-hitter thrown by Clay Buchholz in the rookie's second-ever major [continue reading...]
Posted on September 4th, 2007
Ramirez linked to alleged cock fight kingpin
BOSTON, MA -- Local authorities raided Manny Ramirez's second cousin's good friend's brother's home after a month-long investigation into an illegal cock-fighting ring. Police placed Gustavo Plocano Rodriguez-Montero under arrest [continue reading...]
Posted on May 3rd, 2007
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