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Terrell Owens Archives

Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”

DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Local man not really interested in trading places with Donovan McNabb

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- As the Philadelphia Eagles were sewing up their victory over the New York Giants, Simon Humphries noted that it must be nice to be Donovan McNabb. "I was [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

Trail Blazers to League: Pick up Miles and we’re telling on you

PORTLAND, OR—The Portland Trail Blazers have issued the direst of warnings to its fellow 29 teams: sign Darius Miles and we are so telling on you. Miles, who November 2006 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 10th, 2009

TO mad that people aren’t including him in stuff anymore

DALLAS, TX -- When Terrell Owens thought that Tony Romo and Jason Witten were re-making plays with the explicit purpose of not including him, it was the last straw. Owens [continue reading...]

Posted on December 21st, 2008

Announcement of canceled Arena Football League season is accidentally covered

BRISTOL, CT—To the shock and surprise of many, the announcement that the 2009 Arena Football League season would be canceled due to financial problems, was actually noted and covered by [continue reading...]

Posted on December 16th, 2008

Tony Romo declares he’s “really into ginger ale”

DALLAS, TX -- Ever-quirky Dallas QB Tony Romo called a special team meeting Saturday to declare he's "really into ginger ale." "Tony asked me to gather everyone on the team for [continue reading...]

Posted on November 29th, 2008

TO: “Roy Williams and I will be the perfect couple”

DALLAS, TX -- Terrell Owens moved quickly Wednesday to squash any doubts that he will be a perfect teammate for wide receiver Roy Williams, whom the Cowboys obtained from the [continue reading...]

Posted on October 15th, 2008

Cowboys desperately trying to hire Roy Williams as coach

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams has received at least 40 frenetic phone calls from Cowboys owner Jerry Jones in the past 24 hours, who is [continue reading...]

Posted on October 15th, 2008

TO declares Monday night performance “best three-catch game ever in NFL history”

IRVING, TX -- Terrell Owens brashly declared that his three-catch, 79-yard, two touchdown performance was the "best three catch performance ever in the history of the NFL." Owens caught [continue reading...]

Posted on September 17th, 2008

Owens doesn’t want to talk about McNabb all the time; only 95 percent

IRVING, TX -- Terrell Owens informed local media today that he doesn't want to talk about Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles all of the time leading up to the [continue reading...]

Posted on September 14th, 2008

Johnson injures mouth, mute 3-4 weeks

Ocho Cinco might not be able to talk, but he can still look good.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Cincinnati Bengals' publicity-seeking star wideout Chad Johnson severely burned his tongue and lips on what is being called "a particularly hot papaya" before his team's preseason game [continue reading...]

Posted on August 20th, 2008

Patrick Henry makes bold statement in anticipation of revolution

RICHMOND, VA -- A recent revelation shows that Patrick Henry, Virginia statesman and revolutionary hero, actually said more in his most famous quote than he is generally given credit for. The [continue reading...]

Posted on August 13th, 2008

‘Cowboys cheerleader tells Jessica Simpson to ’step off’

DALLAS, TX -- A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is crying right now, but it’s for a totally different reason than T.O. Twenty-one year-old and two-year "Cowgirls" veteran Kandi Harris has publicly [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2008

Simpson’s “Ginormous bozangas” may have been distraction to Romo

IRVING, TEX - NFL commentators are providing a variety of analysis for the many probable reasons for the NY Giants 21-17 NFC [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2008

Cowboys set to play Panthers without Barber

CHARLOTTE, NC -- The Dallas Cowboys are playing a crucial road game this weekend, but will be doing so without Marion Barber III, who missed the team plane and will [continue reading...]

Posted on December 22nd, 2007

Dallas Cowboys donated to President Bush in exchange for early end to presidency

DALLAS, TX -- In a heretofore unexpected and unprecedented event, the Dallas Cowboys have been given away to President George W. Bush, in exchange for a commitment that the president [continue reading...]

Posted on November 18th, 2007

Terrell Owens plans minimalist TD celebration full of symbolism and anti-NFL sentiment

DALLAS, TX -- Terrell Owens announced Friday that he is planning a new, "minimalist" touchdown celebration that will leave NFL officials shaken to their core. "You know, there comes [continue reading...]

Posted on September 21st, 2007

Owens to Release Second Book

DALLAS, TX -- After having great success with the children's book he released last year, Terrell Owens has wasted no time in announcing the release of a second book due [continue reading...]

Posted on April 29th, 2007

Mayo changes mind, won’t attend USC

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Controversial high school basketball star O.J. Mayo announced at a press conference Sunday that he no longer plans on attending the University of Southern California, and [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2007

Etheredge joins Bush administration

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice President Dick Cheney was on hand today to introduce the newest member of President George W. Bush's cabinet to the media - former Terrell Owens publicist [continue reading...]

Posted on February 23rd, 2007