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Tank Johnson Archives

Pacman to Ditka: “From my cold, dead hands!”

NEW YORK, NY -- Mike Ditka’s made an unusual—and probably unconstitutional—suggestion on "NFL Countdown" yesterday that the NFL should bar all players from owning guns, following Plaxico Burress’ arrest following [continue reading...]

Posted on December 1st, 2008

Benson to enroll in flight school after latest arrest, release from Bears

AUSTIN, TX -- Though Cedric Benson's two alcohol-related arrests this summer led to his being cut from the Chicago Bears, they have not diminished his desire to succeed. "Like I've told [continue reading...]

Posted on June 10th, 2008

Jones confident plans to “smoke myself retarded” won’t affect reinstatement

DALLAS, TX -- With a trade to Dallas a possibility, Pacman Jones is singularly focused on getting reinstated to the NFL and continuing his football career, but the one-time Tennessee [continue reading...]

Posted on April 20th, 2008

Vick’s prison coach eagerly awaits arrival of other NFL players

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- Happy with the recent acquisition of Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, Harvey Hill, head coach of Vick's prison team the Leavenworth Stars, has expressed great optimism with [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Anticipating future house arrests, Tank Johnson purchases mobile home for 2008 road games

DALLAS, TX -- With the expectation that he will probably be placed under house arrest for speeding, carrying concealed weapons or drunk driving at some point during the upcoming season, [continue reading...]

Posted on April 2nd, 2008

Cowboys hire Michael Irvin to counsel troubled players

DALLAS, TX -- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has a new resource at his disposal to help him deal with players who violate the law. Reports out of Dallas say [continue reading...]

Posted on March 26th, 2008

Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”

NEW YORK, NY -- With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 19th, 2008

Tank Johnson to sign autographs at Dallas Gun Show

DALLAS, TX -- Even though Tank Johnson has not yet played a down with his new team, he is already clearly a part of the Dallas Cowboys organization. Team owner [continue reading...]

Posted on October 19th, 2007

‘Tank’ to become ‘Tits’

PHOENIX, AZ -- In a surprising public relations move announced earlier today, Tank Johnson renounced his nickname Tank and announced a new nickname, "Tits – Tits Johnson." "I felt Tank had [continue reading...]

Posted on July 30th, 2007

Tank accomplishes goal faster than expected

CHICAGO, IL -- The Chicago Bears waived troubled defenseman Terry "Tank" Johnson Monday after he had yet another run-in with police in Arizona early Saturday morning. Authorities suspected Tank was [continue reading...]

Posted on June 27th, 2007

Hurricane ranking scale to use NFL players

MIAMI, FL -- SSNN has learned that the National Hurricane Center, a division of the National Weather Service, will announce later today that it is changing its ratings system from [continue reading...]

Posted on June 22nd, 2007

Tank’s legal troubles continue

CHICAGO, IL -- Tank Johnson, who was sentenced to 120 days in jail on March 15, 2007 for illegal gun possession and posession of a controlled substance, began serving his [continue reading...]

Posted on April 6th, 2007

Pacman tops Bengals’ “most wanted” list

CINCINNATI, OH -- The Cincinnati Bengals have yet to make a significant move this off-season, and aren’t expected to make any huge splashes in the free agent market. Still, there is [continue reading...]

Posted on March 14th, 2007

Tank Johnson pleads not guilty: “I did way more stuff than that!”

GURNEE, IL -- Embattled Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson pled not guilty to ten counts of possession of illegal firearms Tuesday, telling a judge that the charge was incomplete [continue reading...]

Posted on January 9th, 2007

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