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steroids Archives

Astros to add new attractions to Minute Maid Park

Drayton McLane is turning Minute Maid into an amusement park.

HOUSTON, TX -- Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane announced today that he would be adding new features to Minute Maid Park in order to bolster sagging attendance. "We're very excited about [continue reading...]

Posted on June 11th, 2008

Waxman literally has nothing else to do

He’s not proud of it, but Waxman can’t find shit to do…

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Henry Waxman has heard the complaints before. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman has been asked countless times, and he still has only one [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Pujols adds insult to injury

ST. LOUIS, MO -- After injuring the San Diego Padres' Chris Young and Josh Bard earlier this week, an emotional Albert Pujols called a press conference today – in an [continue reading...]

Posted on May 24th, 2008

Convicted steroids dealer admits supplying Kurkjian, Clayton

PLANO, TX -- David Jacobs – a Plano man convicted of distributing steroids – told the Dallas Morning News late last month that he supplied steroids and masking agents to [continue reading...]

Posted on May 23rd, 2008

Bonds indictment changed to include head growth, testicle shrinkage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- In February, Judge Susan Illston ordered prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury case to refile their charges in order to avoid the case being thrown out [continue reading...]

Posted on May 15th, 2008

Clemens issues denial of future allegations

HOUSTON, TX -- Roger Clemens and his attorneys issued a statement today in which the fallen star denied any and all future allegations that may be made against him. Clemens – [continue reading...]

Posted on May 7th, 2008

Canseco claims to have injected Barbaro and Seabiscuit with HGH

MIAMI, FL -- A chapter in former slugger Jose Canseco's new book Vindicated alleges new steroid claims, moving from the baseball world into that of competitive horse racing. Canseco, airing [continue reading...]

Posted on May 1st, 2008

Tour de France to have “juicer” and “non-juicer” fields

PARIS, FRANCE -- The Tour de France is the world's most famous cycling event. Covering more than three weeks and 1,800 miles, the event is brutal on both the body [continue reading...]

Posted on April 22nd, 2008

MLB players urge Canseco to concentrate on family, hobbies instead of finishing new book

MIAMI, FL -- Nearly three years after Jose Canseco's highly controversial book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, the publishing world is abuzz with [continue reading...]

Posted on April 17th, 2008

IOC also strips Jones of steroids-induced mustache

FORT WORTH, TX -- The IOC has ruled today that in addition to giving up her Olympic medals former track star Marion Jones must also relinquish "any and all residual [continue reading...]

Posted on April 14th, 2008

Steroid supplier planning to boycott Olympics

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Deeply troubled by various human rights violations committed by China, steroids supplier Darrin McReady has said that he will not supply Olympic athletes with illegal [continue reading...]

Posted on April 12th, 2008

Parents furious over Astros’ syringe giveaway promotion

HOUSTON, TX -- An embarrassed Houston Astros front office issued a statement today apologizing for a promotion gone awry. The club gave away free syringes to the first 1,500 kids [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Peavy vehemently denies using foreign substance, attributes performance to steroids

SAN DIEGO, CA -- Despite photographic evidence of a grimy substance on his right hand, San Diego Padres right-hander Jake Peavy denied allegations that he used any kind of foreign [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

Improved HGH test jeopardizes Olympics

BEIJING, CHINA – The World Anti-Doping Agency announced today that new HGH testing kits will be given out to various testing labs in preparation for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. [continue reading...]

Posted on April 4th, 2008

Clemens, Bonds form support group for ostracized steroid abusers

SAN BERNARDINO, CA -- The steroid scandal in baseball and performance-enhancing drug scandals in other sports have centered largely around the perpetrators of these crimes, at the expense of the [continue reading...]

Posted on April 1st, 2008

Mitchell Investigation broadens scope, to “everyone except David Wells”

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The probe concerning illegal performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball has reportedly broadened to include every single current player in the sport, except for [continue reading...]

Posted on March 26th, 2008

Congress to investigate sports clichés

WASHINGTON, DC -- With sequels doing so well at the movie box office, Congress has decided to put on another installment of its wildly successful series of investigations into professional [continue reading...]

Posted on March 11th, 2008

Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a shocking twist in the four-year investigation into steroid use by elite athletes, Bud Selig was charged with four counts of irritability and one [continue reading...]

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Canseco’s testicles, Selig’s dour expression lead Cooperstown’s steroid exhibit

COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame announced today that it has begun planning for an exhibit on steroids. The centerpiece of the exhibit will be a case displaying [continue reading...]

Posted on March 7th, 2008

Waitress says Clemens is terrible tipper

HOUSTON, TX -- A waitress is furious after she claimed Roger Clemens left her a vial of an unidentified substance instead of cash for a tip. Twenty-two year-old Sara Nelson, [continue reading...]

Posted on March 3rd, 2008

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