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steroids Archives
Sosa: “See, that corked bat thing doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”
CHICAGO, IL—Amid revelations that he tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, Sammy Sosa took the opportunity yesterday to address different allegations, specifically those that arose after he was discovered [continue reading...]
Posted on June 17th, 2009
Manny Ramirez busted for juicing
LOS ANGELES -- Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league's substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he's been injecting himself with various fruit juices [continue reading...]
Posted on May 7th, 2009
Albert Pujols tearfully admits cheating
ST LOUIS, MO--In the wake of Alex Rodriguez’s revelation, St. Louis Cardinals first baseman and superstar extraordinaire Albert Pujols called a press conference today to come clean. Pujols slunk [continue reading...]
Posted on March 14th, 2009
Reporter develops new “on steroids” game for A-Rod, kind of like “in bed” with fortune cookies
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA -- In an amazing development of modern journalism, reporter Michael Terwilliger of SSNN's Palm Beach, Fla. satellite office has developed an amazing game. "It's just like the fortune [continue reading...]
Posted on February 27th, 2009
American public still under impression baseball players of old wouldn’t have used steroids
NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his [continue reading...]
Posted on February 12th, 2009
Dominican baseballer A-Rod responds to charges — “No hablo Ingles.”
NEW YORK -- Controversy exploded this weekend when Dominican-American baseballer Alex Rodriguez was accused of using steroids. Rodriguez, widely considered the greatest player in the game, went into seclusion virtually immediately. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
Canseco ready to beat up more Hollywood stars (maybe)
PHILADELPHIA -- Training in a seedy Philadelphia gym on the wrong side of town, washed-up major league steroid user Jose Cancesco has found a new outlet for ‘roid rage’ that [continue reading...]
Posted on January 27th, 2009
Tell-all book reveals McGwire took steroids, had facial hair, played for Cardinals
ST. LOUIS -- A tell-all book by controversial slugger Mark McGwire’s estranged brother Jay is being met with interest by the sporting world thanks to the revelation that the book [continue reading...]
Posted on January 24th, 2009
First unanimous vote elects steroids to Hall
COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame opened in 1939 with the induction of Babe Ruth and 12 other living legends of baseball. In the 68 years since its [continue reading...]
Posted on December 12th, 2008
Lance Armstrong goes for bike ride in France, ends up unretired
PARIS, FRANCE—A pleasant bikeride through the Parisian countryside quickly became awkward for Lance Armstrong, when rumors began to spread that the famous cyclist was returning to professional competition. “I thought [continue reading...]
Posted on September 11th, 2008
Baseball owners want to use instant replay to review Selig hiring
NEW YORK, NY -- As the professional baseball owners gather to consider instant replay, SSNN has learned that many of the owners are interested in using the technology to take [continue reading...]
Posted on August 19th, 2008
Tour de France reportedly over, someone presumably won
CHICAGO, IL -- North side resident Bill Meyer has suddenly realized that the Tour de France, the biggest prize in international cycling, "probably ended a couple weeks ago," but also [continue reading...]
Posted on August 14th, 2008
Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids
LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on August 11th, 2008
Waxman to look into competitive eating scandal
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman – and America's favorite watchdog – Henry Waxman, D-Calif., announced today that he will personally look into the competitive eating scandal [continue reading...]
Posted on July 14th, 2008
Steroid prices to reach all-time high as demand increases
NEW YORK, NY -- Wall Street analysts are predicting a steep increase in the price of anabolic steroids worldwide due to increased demand this summer, with some market watchers are [continue reading...]
Posted on July 11th, 2008
Scandal rocks hot dog eating contest
CONEY ISLAND, NY -- Less than a week after the 93rd annual Nathan's International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest, controversy continues to swirl around the competitive eaters who participated [continue reading...]
Posted on July 10th, 2008
Extra 10% in oft-used sports cliché discovered to be steroids
NEW YORK, NY -- The war on performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports may not be over, but an independent team of researchers operating in New York have won a significant [continue reading...]
Posted on June 18th, 2008
Specter begins investigation into National Spelling Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On May 30th, in front of a live TV audience, Sameer Mishra took home the top honors at the 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling [continue reading...]
Posted on June 17th, 2008
Underweight benchwarmer admits to steroid use
ASHEVILLE, NC -- Though more and more high-profile professional athletes are under the microscope for alleged steroid use, it is arguably more disturbing when a former over-30 B-league soccer player [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2008
NASCAR, horse racing to merge
CHARLOTTE, NC -- In another shrewd marketing move, the executives at NASCAR have announced that they are joining forces with the Jockey Club of America and several state horse racing [continue reading...]
Posted on June 13th, 2008
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