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sex Archives

Boston man spends two-thirds of date talking about John Smoltz

Smoltz probably doesn’t even know this happened.

BOSTON, MA -- After a blind date turned into an educational seminar on baseball, Jamie Jones told SSNN there is a "better chance of Tommy [O'Brien, her date] sleeping with [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

Carroll actually angry at Sanchez over QB’s intent to “stick it to my daughter”

Pete Carroll has no intention of seeing his daughter violated by Mark Sanchez.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Football fans around the country were surprised earlier this month when normally ultra-supportive USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll seemed to publicly disapprove of quarterback Mark [continue reading...]

Posted on January 26th, 2009

1,000,000th American man masturbates while thinking about Erin Andrews

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY -- Though he had no idea of the importance of his actions at the time, Poughkeepsie resident Gene Wilkinson made history somewhere around 12:30 A.M. Eastern Time Wednesday [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

Peter Gammons still talking about baseball right now

Gammons was talking about baseball when this picture was taken.

GROTON, MA -- According to his wife and other sources in his inner circle, ESPN reporter Peter Gammons continues to talk about baseball, even though most of the major free [continue reading...]

Posted on January 13th, 2009

2008 Top 20, #5: Pearl to open jewelry store

KNOXVILLE, TN -- Looking to capitalize on his local stardom and already thinking about life after basketball, Tennessee Volunteer head basketball coach Bruce Pearl announced today he plans on opening [continue reading...]

Posted on December 31st, 2008

2008 Year in Review, #17: Announcer carefully studying what he can say about female gymnasts without seeming like a total pervert

BEIJING, CHINA -- Announcing for the Olympics requires a lot of preparation, as most sports fans know. Stories of Bob Costas and other announcers preparing for years in anticipation of [continue reading...]

Posted on December 28th, 2008

Marc Bulger has decided to go on J-Date

ST. LOUIS, MO -- St. Louis Rams starting QB Marc Bulger surprised teammates, media members and the Jewish community of greater St. Louis when he announced during his Wednesday press [continue reading...]

Posted on December 17th, 2008

Hamilton wins best season by dude who once had a heroin addiction

Hamilton prays he never again has to perform sex acts which he may or may not have performed in the past.

ARLINGTON, TX -- Much was made in baseball circles of the lack of activity during last week's Winter Meetings in Las Vegas, but fans may be surprised to learn that [continue reading...]

Posted on December 17th, 2008

Local man goes “slumpbusting” to end bad streak at work; wife is furious

IOWA CITY, IA -- Local communications specialist David O'Reilly has been having some trouble at work recently, so he finally decided to do something about it. "I haven't been able to [continue reading...]

Posted on October 22nd, 2008

Tom Brady retired to stud

FOXBORO, MA—Citing his season-ending injury and diminishing enthusiasm for the game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement yesterday, and said he plans to spend more time with breath-takingly hot [continue reading...]

Posted on September 18th, 2008

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Pretty much every stripper in New Orleans wants to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- SSNN has learned that pretty much every stripper in New Orleans wants to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey pretty bad right now. "I gotta be honest, I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Women’s gymnastics top-rated program among men 34-55 fitting FBI pedophile profile

This Johnson-Liukin hug was a hot moment for pedophiles.

NEW YORK, NY -- The Nielsen Media Research Corporation has announced the ratings results of last week's Olympic games. The top-rated sport this time around was swimming – this came as [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Paul impresses with genuine interest in other cultures during Olympics

Paul happily used the Olympics to immerse himself in other cultures.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Though Chris Paul's performance on the basketball court was less than spectacular during the Olympic games, but his coaches and teammates from the "Redeem Team" have praised [continue reading...]

Posted on August 25th, 2008

Announcer carefully studying what he can say about female gymnasts without seeming like a total pervert

Posted on August 8th, 2008

Ramirez plans to become gay porn star

Manny’s trademark dreads should help him in his gay porn career.

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Looking to capitalize on his new locale, Manny Ramirez told SSNN he is hoping to get into the gay porn industry. The latest addition to the Los Angeles [continue reading...]

Posted on August 4th, 2008

A-Rod’s heart touched by Katy Perry single

A-Rod is presumably preparing to kiss someone, possibly with cherry chapstick

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- With the New York Yankees hovering in third place in the AL East, 5.5 games behind the surging Tampa Bay Rays, Alex Rodriguez has been [continue reading...]

Posted on June 30th, 2008

Woman who actually knows how Shaq’s ass tastes paid not to tell anyone

Shaq’s ass does not, in all likelihood, taste very good!

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a dramatic and ironic twist, one of the few people in the world who actually knows how Shaquille O'Neal's ass tastes has been paid not [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

Yankees accidentally allow Chamberlain to finish his dinner

Joba Chamberlain likes to yell and scream… and eat.

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Appearing at a rare press conference together with manager Joe Girardi, Yankees chairman Hank Steinbrenner revealed that star pitcher Joba Chamberlain had accidentally been allowed [continue reading...]

Posted on June 20th, 2008

Pearl to open jewelry store

Posted on June 19th, 2008

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