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Roger Clemens Archives

Manny Ramirez emphasizes to Dodgers he plans to sell his private jet and begin investing in alternative energy

LOS ANGELES, CA—Fresh off of his rejection of the Dodgers’ latest contract extension, Manny Ramirez released a statement through his agent Scott Boras on Monday, in which the twelve-time all-star [continue reading...]

Posted on March 1st, 2009

Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

Even Andruw Jones can’t believe how much he sucks.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Clemens receives a record 15 ESPY nominations

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN announced today that former Major League pitcher and alleged steroid user Roger Clemens has been nominated in a record 15 categories for the network's annual sports [continue reading...]

Posted on July 3rd, 2008

Underweight benchwarmer admits to steroid use

ASHEVILLE, NC -- Though more and more high-profile professional athletes are under the microscope for alleged steroid use, it is arguably more disturbing when a former over-30 B-league soccer player [continue reading...]

Posted on June 16th, 2008

Actress Milano expected to break Ripken streak

Oh, the things Alyssa could do with that bat and a major leaguer…

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- According to her online baseball blog, former Charmed star Alyssa Milano expects to have sex with Tampa Bay Rays rookie bullpen catcher Arturo Guzman this Saturday night, [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2008

Astros to add new attractions to Minute Maid Park

Drayton McLane is turning Minute Maid into an amusement park.

HOUSTON, TX -- Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane announced today that he would be adding new features to Minute Maid Park in order to bolster sagging attendance. "We're very excited about [continue reading...]

Posted on June 11th, 2008

Clemens issues denial of future allegations

HOUSTON, TX -- Roger Clemens and his attorneys issued a statement today in which the fallen star denied any and all future allegations that may be made against him. Clemens – [continue reading...]

Posted on May 7th, 2008

Clemens, Bonds form support group for ostracized steroid abusers

SAN BERNARDINO, CA -- The steroid scandal in baseball and performance-enhancing drug scandals in other sports have centered largely around the perpetrators of these crimes, at the expense of the [continue reading...]

Posted on April 1st, 2008

Canseco’s testicles, Selig’s dour expression lead Cooperstown’s steroid exhibit

COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame announced today that it has begun planning for an exhibit on steroids. The centerpiece of the exhibit will be a case displaying [continue reading...]

Posted on March 7th, 2008

Waitress says Clemens is terrible tipper

HOUSTON, TX -- A waitress is furious after she claimed Roger Clemens left her a vial of an unidentified substance instead of cash for a tip. Twenty-two year-old Sara Nelson, [continue reading...]

Posted on March 3rd, 2008

McNamee found unconscious with baseball-sized head wound

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In another shocking twist in the Roger Clemens steroid case, material witnesses and former trainer Brian McNamee was found unconscious in the court bathroom after giving his [continue reading...]

Posted on February 14th, 2008

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Even God sick of Clemens udpates

As Roger Clemens has become overexposed in the media yet again, SSNN revisits a classic from May 2007, when everyone was sick of the Rocket. HEAVEN -- Apparently humans are [continue reading...]

Posted on February 13th, 2008

McNamee produces John Deere evidence

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The continuing Roger Clemens steroid saga became more bizarre Monday morning when former trainer Brian McNamee turned in further evidence of Clemens' performance-enhancing drug use to members [continue reading...]

Posted on February 11th, 2008

Clemens tells Congress same story as 60 Minutes, press

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After appearances from Chuck Knoblauch and Andy Pettitte in the last week, the congressional committee looking into the Mitchell Report deposed Roger Clemens today regarding [continue reading...]

Posted on February 5th, 2008

Clemens takes steroids to prepare for angrier denials

HOUSTON, TX -- With his deposition to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform set for Saturday, Jan. 26, Roger Clemens is in the middle of a strict steroid [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2008

Clemens making attempts to change public perception

HOUSTON, TX -- With his legacy in jeopardy from allegations of steroid use, Roger Clemens is taking a number of aggressive actions to change the way he is perceived in [continue reading...]

Posted on January 18th, 2008

Anderson, McNamee ties may go beyond steroids

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- A new and exciting twist has evolved in the saga that is steroid use in Major League Baseball, involving two of its most pertinent personas. In [continue reading...]

Posted on January 9th, 2008

Surgeon removed ‘ear-like’ growth from Clemens’ forehead

NEW YORK, NY -- A plastic surgeon who spoke with SSNN investigators on the condition of anonymity said he removed a growth from the forehead of Roger Clemens early in [continue reading...]

Posted on January 8th, 2008

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Clemens planning vacation for late May

After dealing with his current steroid controversy, Roger Clemens likely won't be having anything to do with the Yankees this season. That should free him up for a return trip [continue reading...]