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playoffs Archives
Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher
NEW YORK -- Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming "Where the hell is Ashton?!" over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed [continue reading...]
Posted on February 18th, 2009
Giants surprisingly unsympathetic to lower-seed teams
NEW YORK, NY—In a rather puzzling and unexpected turn of events, the members of the New York Giants, most only one year removed from their improbable victory over the previously-unbeaten [continue reading...]
Posted on January 22nd, 2009
God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers
PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]
Posted on January 21st, 2009
God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers
PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]
Posted on January 20th, 2009
Furious Archie Manning sends loser sons to bed without dinner
OXFORD, MS—Recalling that his boys had promised “never to come home again without a Super Bowl championship” and saying that he had “never heard of such appalling underachievement”, an infuriated [continue reading...]
Posted on January 19th, 2009
Gruden to Bucs: “I’m taking QBs with me”
TAMPA, FL -- In the wake of his surprising and much-ballyhooed firing from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, longtime NFL head coach Jon Gruden has served notice to his former team [continue reading...]
Posted on January 16th, 2009
Baltimore mayor to change name to “Steelerssuckballsxon”
BALTIMORE, MD -- In a somewhat extreme response to Pittsburgh counterpart Luke Ravenstahl changing his last name to Steelerstahl, Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon will become Sheila Steelerssuckballsxon later this morning. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on January 16th, 2009
Reports from the Kornheiser family indicate that watching a game with Tony Kornheiser on the couch is as or more annoying than watching it with him commentating on TV
WASHINGTON, DC -- Reports from the nation's capital this holiday season indicate that although Monday Night Football is over for the year, commentator Tony Kornheiser is just as annouing as [continue reading...]
Posted on January 12th, 2009
Devastated Phillip Rivers likely out for game against Steelers after Perry-McCoy breakup
SAN DIEGO, CA -- The news hit Phillip Rivers like a gunshot wound to the abdomen; it rocked his gentle spirit and broke his delicate heart. It was 3 pm Tuesday [continue reading...]
Posted on January 6th, 2009
Big Ben recites alphabet up to F; doctors pronounce condition “excellent”
PITTSBURGH, PA—The Steel City has been holding its breath this past week over fears that their pro-bowl quarterback Ben Roethlisberger might not be at full strength following his concussion—the third [continue reading...]
Posted on January 6th, 2009
Peyton Manning blows New Year’s Resolution not to get smoked by an inferior team in the playoffs
INDIANAPOLIS--Millions of Americans are swarming gyms, being nicer to their mothers, and quitting smoking this week, as 2009's new year's resolutions hit the ground with full force. As the weeks [continue reading...]
Posted on January 6th, 2009
Vikings blame weather for playoff loss
MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- Meeting the media after their disappointing 26-14 playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the Minnesota Vikings readily acknowledged the sloppiness of their game, but were [continue reading...]
Posted on January 5th, 2009
Jets seeking an older, more mature and experienced quarterback
NEW YORK -- A week ago Sunday afternoon the New York Jets were eliminated from playoff contention when they lost to the Miami Dolphins, but back in August with a [continue reading...]
Posted on January 5th, 2009
Furious Manning blames MVP award for playoff loss
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Peyton Manning joined a very exclusive and elite club on Friday, becoming only the second man ever to win three NFL MVP awards in the modern era, equaling the [continue reading...]
Posted on January 4th, 2009
Shanahan goes to NFL.com for first time ever Sunday night; discovers Broncos almost made playoffs
DENVER, CO -- Upon returning to his house in the suburbs of Denver after a crushing defeated at the hands of the San Diego Chargers, Mike Shanahan couldn't sleep, so [continue reading...]
Posted on December 29th, 2008
Local man promises nephew that the Chicago Bears will make the playoffs
CICERO, IL--Richard Montanez kept putting off getting a Christmas present for his eight-year old nephew David, which ended up being a huge mistake. "I kept delaying and procrastinating," Montanez said. "For [continue reading...]
Posted on December 28th, 2008
Lions see potential in winless season
DETROIT -- Much has been made in the media about the Detroit Lions’ quest for the perfectly imperfect NFL season: a winless record through sixteen games – a feat never [continue reading...]
Posted on December 17th, 2008
Man in danger of losing family after 23rd straight fantasy loss
CHICAGO, IL--David Morton is reeling today after losing his 23rd consecutive fantasy footbal contest, and his difficulties on the virtual gridiron are starting to take over his real-life. "Yeah, the wife [continue reading...]
Posted on December 3rd, 2008
Man spends entire afternoon figuring out how Andre Johnson can score 37.4 points in fantasy
LITTLETON, CO -- Frank Spaggs had a lot of stuff to do this afternoon, but it's all going to have to wait for tomorrow. That is because Spaggs spent his [continue reading...]
Posted on December 1st, 2008
Without irony, McCarver refers to Buck as ‘pompous’
ST. LOUIS, MO -- Tim McCarver was just having a normal dinner conversation when someone asked him a question that changed the whole evening -- "What do you think of [continue reading...]
Posted on October 28th, 2008
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