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Philadelphia Phillies Archives

Curt Schilling’s blog inducted into baseball Hall of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a move not seen since Roberto Clemente’s posthumous induction in 1973, the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York waived its customary five-year waiting period earlier [continue reading...]

Posted on March 25th, 2009

Utley to write inauguration speech for Obama; will be full of hope, optimism, profanity

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The office of President-Elect Barack Obama announced today that Chase Utley, injured second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies, has written Barack Obama's inauguration speech. "We are pleased to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 20th, 2009

2008 Top 20, #14: Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Following a dominant National League Championship Series in which the lefthander won the MVP award, Cole Hamels has been given a contract extension by the Philadelphia Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on December 28th, 2008

Man buys wife $179.99 Cole Hamels replica jersey for birthday

FREEPORT, PA—Area woman Micala Smith had been eagerly awaiting her 34th birthday for weeks, wondering what her husband of five years, Eric, would be getting her. Much to her disappointment, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 24th, 2008

Man basically staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia page all day

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Area man Steven Kensworth, has, according to friends and coworkers basically been staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia article for the better part of the last two weeks, and [continue reading...]

Posted on November 22nd, 2008

Ryan Howard is nailing chicks as if he won the MVP

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Albert Pujols may have the National League MVP trophy, but Ryan Howard is absolutely nailing chicks like he's the NLMVP. "He's definitely exhibiting some MVP-level sexuality right now," [continue reading...]

Posted on November 21st, 2008

Pujols told he’s MVP — responds, “Of the Cardinals?”

ST. LOUIS, MO -- When he found out he was named MVP, Albert Pujols was floored. "I honestly cannot believe this honor," Pujols said. "I'm so thankful to my teammates [continue reading...]

Posted on November 18th, 2008

Chase Utley erupts in profanity during charity bingo night at retirement home

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Phillies second baseman and all-around nice guy Chase Utley raised a lot of eyebrows last week when he declared that the Phillies were now "World Fucking Champions" [continue reading...]

Posted on November 10th, 2008

Philly fans ready to be extra spiteful toward Donovan McNabb on Sunday

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Now with their decades-old championship drought out of the way, Philadelphia fans are prepared to be extra spiteful toward Donovan McNabb this Sunday when the Eagles take [continue reading...]

Posted on October 31st, 2008

Joe Buck arrested outside of B.J. Upton’s hotel room holding a boombox over his head blaring Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- When the Tampa Bay Rays decided to spend Wednesday night in Philadelphia, they knew they were taking a calculated risk. With their young team of burgeoning millionaires, [continue reading...]

Posted on October 30th, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: McCain admits he doesn’t know who Hamels is; election in jeopardy

SCRANTON, PA -- This afternoon, John McCain held a town-hall style event at a VFW here. These events are considered to be McCain's specialty, but today, McCain made a costly [continue reading...]

Posted on October 30th, 2008

Obama uses entire half-hour infomercial to talk about Cole Hamels

SUNRISE, FL -- In what may go down as the major surprise in this year's election, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama used his entire, $4 million half-hour infomercial to make [continue reading...]

Posted on October 29th, 2008

Rays ask MLB to refund costs of non-refundable plane tickets

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The Tampa Bay Rays have made an unusual request to Major League Baseball today, asking Bud Selig if they can have the cost of 50 non-refundable plane [continue reading...]

Posted on October 29th, 2008

Selig formally thanks Hamels for not stopping the rain

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Bud Selig was moments away from yet another career-defining disaster, but Cole Hamels intervened and saved the day. As Selig sat fretting that the World Series would end [continue reading...]

Posted on October 28th, 2008

Evan Longoria afraid of spiders, snakes, and World Series

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Prior to this week, Evan Longoria had only two major fears: spiders and snakes. However, teammates from the Tampa Bay Rays report that Longoria can safely add [continue reading...]

Posted on October 27th, 2008

B.J. Upton steals three bases and Joe Buck’s heart

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- With three swift stolen bases in the sixth and eighth innings, B.J. Upton stole the Tampa Bay Rays back into Saturday night's World Series game, and, more [continue reading...]

Posted on October 26th, 2008

Rays ask ump if they can pay invoice in installments because of tough economy

TAMPA BAY, FL -- Even though the Tampa Bay Rays are in the World Series, some things about them still show that they are a small market team. For example, [continue reading...]

Posted on October 25th, 2008

Ryan Howard “totally hit two bombs in BP today”

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Ryan Howard put on a show today at batting practice the day before the third game of the 2008 World Series, according to himself. "I totally launched two [continue reading...]

Posted on October 24th, 2008

Rays forfeit first game of World Series

TAMPA BAY, FL -- In an unusual move, the Tampa Bay Rays have officially forfeited the first game of the 2008 World Series, under the provision that Phillies pitcher Cole [continue reading...]

Posted on October 20th, 2008

Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract

Posted on October 16th, 2008