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Philadelphia Phillies Archives
Man accidentally takes fiance to Nats/Phillies game on “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place” night
WASHINGTON, DC -- When Matt Dempster thought he'd take his fiance, McKenna, to a Washington Nationals game, he thought it'd be fun to take her to see her hometown Phillies [continue reading...]
Posted on September 3rd, 2008
Cole Hamels would have pitched the 16th for NL
NEW YORK, NY -- A panicked Clint Hurdle, realizing that he had only Brandon Webb and Brad Lidge left for the rest of the game, allegedly launched a secret plan [continue reading...]
Posted on July 17th, 2008
Overly nice human being Chase Utley withdraws self from All-Star Game
PHILADELPHIA -- Chase Utley has withdrawn himself from the baseball All-Star Game on the grounds that he is getting too much positive attention, and that it would just be "so [continue reading...]
Posted on July 3rd, 2008
Mets set booing records during Sunday doubleheader
FLUSHING, NY -- In a season full of disappointment, the New York Mets can now at least say they've set a few records. The team set several booing records during [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2008
Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to)
Hey readers (especially you male readers)!!!! What's happenin'? I just wanted to let you know that Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to). [continue reading...]
Posted on May 2nd, 2008
Clinton selects Lenny Dykstra as running mate
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Hoping to regain the upper hand in the fight for the Democratic presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton today selected former Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Lenny Dykstra as her running [continue reading...]
Posted on March 20th, 2008
Hamels punches wall, creates new continent
ST. PETERSBURG, FL -- Following a rough spring training outing on Friday – when the Phillies visited and lost to the Tampa Bay Rays – Cole Hamels was frustrated. The [continue reading...]
Posted on March 10th, 2008
Mets sign Ashton Kutcher as punking coach
NEW YORK, NY -- After concern spread throughout the front office that their clubhouse atmosphere was fast falling behind that of division rival Philadelphia Phillies, the New York Mets have [continue reading...]
Posted on February 25th, 2008
Future Kendrick Pranks to be less complicated
CLEARWATER, FL -- In the wake of one of the great clubhouse pranks of all time, ringleader Brett Myers and the rest of the Philadelphia Phillies have decided to keep [continue reading...]
Posted on February 22nd, 2008
Phillies’ fans, players still devastated by Geary trade
CLEARWATER, FL -- Angered by an early off-season trade, many Phillies fans are considering boycotting the team's spring training in sunny Clearwater, Fla. "No way I can go down there and [continue reading...]
Posted on February 13th, 2008
Hamels wins Iowa caucuses
DES MOINES, IA -- In the sort of moment that epitomizes the wackiness of this Presidential campaign season, Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels has won the Iowa primary, running [continue reading...]
Posted on January 4th, 2008
Phillies unveil new plan for Hamels
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Some thought that after losing Aaron Rowand to free agency, trading Michael Bourn and losing out on Torii Hunter and Andruw Jones, the Phillies might panic. Not [continue reading...]
Posted on December 29th, 2007
Indians’ Byrd previously a dwarf
CLEVELAND, OH -- Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd recently admitted to taking human growth hormone (HGH) from 2001 to 2005 while playing for Philadelphia, Kansas City, Atlanta and the Los [continue reading...]
Posted on October 23rd, 2007
Judge sentences youth to 24 hours with Tim McCarver
PHILADELPHIA--As part of its newly implemented "Scared Straight" Program, a Philadelphia judge sentenced a North Philadelphia youth to 24 hours with baseball announcer, Tim McCarver. Citing McCarver's vast knowledge on [continue reading...]
Posted on October 18th, 2007
Some Cubs jealous of Mets’ epic choke job
CHICAGO, IL -- A late report from Chicago Monday night indicated that the Chicago Cubs are extremely jealous of the New York Mets for the brilliant and history-making [continue reading...]
Posted on October 2nd, 2007
Hamels performs own Tommy John surgery, recovers immediately
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Defying the terms of his contract, medical safety measures, existing paradigms governing human flexibility and all modern views on reasonable behavior, "King" Cole Hamels performed Tommy John [continue reading...]
Posted on September 18th, 2007
Philly man briefly doubted Hamels was God
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Philadelphia native James Jenkins admitted to questioning the Godliness of Phillies starter Cole Hamels after a rocky first inning in his Friday night start against the [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2007
Selig to watch record broken at home in HD
NEW YORK, NY -- MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that he will not attend historic slugger Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run game, but that he will honor the event [continue reading...]
Posted on July 20th, 2007
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