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Pacman Jones Archives

Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”

DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Trail Blazers to League: Pick up Miles and we’re telling on you

PORTLAND, OR—The Portland Trail Blazers have issued the direst of warnings to its fellow 29 teams: sign Darius Miles and we are so telling on you. Miles, who November 2006 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 10th, 2009

2008 Top 20, #8: Citing failures in New Orleans, NBA moving ‘09 All-Star to Jakarta

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- Describing the All-Star Weekend in New Orleans as a "monumental error in judgment and a tremendous letdown," NBA commissioner David Stern announced that next year's All-Star [continue reading...]

Posted on December 30th, 2008

Pacman to Ditka: “From my cold, dead hands!”

NEW YORK, NY -- Mike Ditka’s made an unusual—and probably unconstitutional—suggestion on "NFL Countdown" yesterday that the NFL should bar all players from owning guns, following Plaxico Burress’ arrest following [continue reading...]

Posted on December 1st, 2008

Madsen seen checking out a Playboy magazine at Los Angeles Public Library

LOS ANGELES, CA -- T-Wolves and former Lakers backup center Mark Madsen is facing a lot of criticism today after a passerby noticed him in the Los Angeles Public Library, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 20th, 2008

Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro

FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill [continue reading...]

Posted on November 12th, 2008

Adam Jones actually didn’t realize what “zero tolerance” meant

DALLAS, TX -- A dismayed Adam "Pacman" Jones is stunned that he's been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for his role in an altercation the other day and his violation [continue reading...]

Posted on October 14th, 2008

Johnson injures mouth, mute 3-4 weeks

Ocho Cinco might not be able to talk, but he can still look good.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Cincinnati Bengals' publicity-seeking star wideout Chad Johnson severely burned his tongue and lips on what is being called "a particularly hot papaya" before his team's preseason game [continue reading...]

Posted on August 20th, 2008

Actual email from President Bush regarding the commution of Marion “Pacman” Jones’ prison sentence

SSNN has obtained an exclusive email from President George W. Bush to White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten. Bush received a request from Olympic sprinter Marion Jones to commute [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

Benson to enroll in flight school after latest arrest, release from Bears

AUSTIN, TX -- Though Cedric Benson's two alcohol-related arrests this summer led to his being cut from the Chicago Bears, they have not diminished his desire to succeed. "Like I've told [continue reading...]

Posted on June 10th, 2008

Henry contemplating retirement after receiving hefty economic stimulus check

PHOENIX, AZ -- An ordinary trip to the mailbox Tuesday resulted in elation and an overwhelming flood of emotion for Travis Henry. The six-year NFL veteran and current Denver Broncos [continue reading...]

Posted on May 28th, 2008

Dallas strip clubs arm security in anticipation of Pacman’s arrival

DALLAS, TX – Adam "Pacman" Jones will arrive in Dallas this season as the Cowboys' newest cornerback, and the locals are preparing. Strip clubs in the Dallas-Fort Worth area have [continue reading...]

Posted on April 29th, 2008

Chad Johnson requests trade to Dallas

CINCINNATI, OH -- In yet another twist to the epic drama that is Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, the disgruntled star has named the team he wants to be [continue reading...]

Posted on April 25th, 2008

Jones confident plans to “smoke myself retarded” won’t affect reinstatement

DALLAS, TX -- With a trade to Dallas a possibility, Pacman Jones is singularly focused on getting reinstated to the NFL and continuing his football career, but the one-time Tennessee [continue reading...]

Posted on April 20th, 2008

Jones accidentally files for reinstatement with IRS

Pacman Jones, dressed nicely to show he’s reformed

NASHVILLE, TN -- Racing against the clock to meet a Tuesday night deadline, suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones accidentally filed for reinstatement with the Internal Revenue Service. IRS commissioner [continue reading...]

Posted on April 18th, 2008

Vick’s prison coach eagerly awaits arrival of other NFL players

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- Happy with the recent acquisition of Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, Harvey Hill, head coach of Vick's prison team the Leavenworth Stars, has expressed great optimism with [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Pacman Jones to sponsor Make It Rain Pennies for the Homeless Day

NASHVILLE, TN -- It is no secret that suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones yearns to be reinstated to the NFL. After a lengthy suspension handed down by NFL [continue reading...]

Posted on April 1st, 2008

Cowboys hire Michael Irvin to counsel troubled players

DALLAS, TX -- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has a new resource at his disposal to help him deal with players who violate the law. Reports out of Dallas say [continue reading...]

Posted on March 26th, 2008

Spitzer resigns from office, declares for NFL draft

ALBANY, NY -- Elliot Spitzer has resigned from office as governor of the State of New York, and has declared himself eligible for the NFL draft, where he is expected [continue reading...]

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Citing failures in New Orleans, NBA moving ‘09 All-Star to Jakarta

Posted on February 19th, 2008