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Olympics Archives

Singing Chinese girl revealed to be computer generated

BEIJING, CHINA -- Chinese government officials sent shockwaves through the international community this morning when they revealed that the nine-year-old girl who sang at the 2008 Olympic Opening Ceremony was [continue reading...]

Posted on August 13th, 2008

Woman loses wedding ring in pocket when she meets James, Paul in Beijing

BEIJING, CHINA -- Days after Kerri Walsh performed brilliantly through the distraction of having lost her wedding ring as she and Misty May-Treanor chase Olympic gold for a second time, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Bush learns that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. President George W. Bush had an embarrassing moment today during a sightseeing trip in China, when he was informed that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Artemev refused to compete unless carried off by Karolyi

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. Olympic gymnast Alexander "Sasha" Artemev put on quite a show on the pommel horse Monday night, ensuring that the United States would win a bronze medal [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Lezak outduels Bernard in Beijing lunchroom

BEIJING, CHINA -- Although from 30 yards away it appeared a near impossibility, somehow American swimmer Jason Lezak managed to outreach French swimmer Alain Bernard for the final banana in [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

1992 Dream Teamer to join 2008 Olympic basketball team

BEIJING, CHINA -- With the Olympics already underway, the United States basketball team has made a surprise announcement – they are going to be joined by a member of the [continue reading...]

Posted on August 10th, 2008

Phelps fails to qualify for NASCAR race

WATKINS GLEN, NY -- Bored of just kicking the shit out of random Europeans and Asians in swimming pools, and inspired by Michelle Wie, Michael Phelps decided it was time [continue reading...]

Posted on August 9th, 2008

Announcer carefully studying what he can say about female gymnasts without seeming like a total pervert

BEIJING, CHINA -- Announcing for the Olympics requires a lot of preparation, as most sports fans know. Stories of Bob Costas and other announcers preparing for years in anticipation of [continue reading...]

Posted on August 8th, 2008

Beijing anti-smog plan calls for giant oil-burning torch

BEIJING, CHINA -- The intense piece of public policy that is allowing Beijing to drastically reduce its levels of smog in time for the Olympics will come to a head [continue reading...]

Posted on August 8th, 2008

Bob Costas is so fucking stoked right now that you have no idea

BEIJING, CHINA -- Bob Costas is so goddamn excited right now that he's fucking freaking out, dude. "I'm fuckin' flippin' my shit here, B," Costas told SSNN. "I mean I'm [continue reading...]

Posted on August 8th, 2008

Actual email from President Bush regarding the commution of Marion “Pacman” Jones’ prison sentence

SSNN has obtained an exclusive email from President George W. Bush to White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten. Bush received a request from Olympic sprinter Marion Jones to commute [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

“Giant” Costas enjoying trips to China in preparation for the Olympic Games

BEIJING, CHINA -- Gargantuan NBC broadcaster Bob Costas, in China to prepare for the Olympic games, called his Chinese waiter "shorty" on Sunday in what experts are calling Costas' first-ever [continue reading...]

Posted on July 1st, 2008

Olympic basketball team hoping Kidd will help avoid gold

CHICAGO, IL -- Late Tuesday Olympic basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski announced that aging point guard Jason Kidd, last seen being roasted alive by Chris Paul in the NBA playoffs, [continue reading...]

Posted on June 19th, 2008

Michael Phelps ecstatic to be relevant again

SOMEWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA OR POSSIBLY EUROPE -- Michael Phelps was just having a normal Tuesday last week, when something amazing happened. Phelps, who had started his [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Big Brown to race Belmont Stakes backwards

ELMONT, NY -- In light of Big Brown's dominance in both the Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes, the National Thoroughbred Racing Association has ruled that the undefeated horse will have [continue reading...]

Posted on May 23rd, 2008

IOC also strips Jones of steroids-induced mustache

FORT WORTH, TX -- The IOC has ruled today that in addition to giving up her Olympic medals former track star Marion Jones must also relinquish "any and all residual [continue reading...]

Posted on April 14th, 2008

Steroid supplier planning to boycott Olympics

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Deeply troubled by various human rights violations committed by China, steroids supplier Darrin McReady has said that he will not supply Olympic athletes with illegal [continue reading...]

Posted on April 12th, 2008

Demonstrator awarded gold medal by confused Olympics judges

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Seth Garfield, protester of the 2008 Olympic Games – or, more specifically, Beijing, China – was the proud and extremely surprised winner of a gold medal [continue reading...]

Posted on April 11th, 2008

Herschel Walker proud, resentful, confused, sleepy to carry Olympic torch

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Former Olympian and professional athlete Herschel Walker held a press conference today to announce that in spite of ongoing controversy regarding the upcoming 2008 Olympics he [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

Olympic torch dropped into San Francisco Bay

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- In spite of protests and attempts to extinguish it, the Olympic torch had somehow survived its perilous trek across Europe and North America. That was before [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

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