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NHL Archives
Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup
DETROIT, MI—In a 10-month span that witnessed the collapse of its vaunted car industry, a continued stay as the nation’s most dangerous city, and an 0-16 Lions season, it seemed [continue reading...]
Posted on June 12th, 2009
Sidney Crosby upset because all the hats on the ice hurt his vagina
WASHINGTON, DC -- Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon [continue reading...]
Posted on May 5th, 2009
Las Vegas declared ice hockey capital of North America
LAS VEGAS, NV – Long understood to be primarily a Canadian sport, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made an announcement yesterday that suggests that there is a sense change on the [continue reading...]
Posted on February 25th, 2009
Hockey to remove fighting from game; replace it with Rock, Paper, Scissors
TORONTO, CA – Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years. Due to concerns with the safety [continue reading...]
Posted on February 25th, 2009
Melrose fired by Lightning; mullet to coach team for rest of year
TAMPA BAY, FL -- The Tampa Bay Lightning have reportedly fired head coach Barry Melrose after a 5-7-4 start in the coach's second season, replacing him with Barry Melrose's mullet. "Barry [continue reading...]
Posted on November 15th, 2008
Tampa sports fans in a tizzy about the start of the Lightning season
TAMPA, FL –With the NBA still wading through its preseason and the Sony Ericsson Tennis Open having already been played earlier this year, there was very little sports entertainment to [continue reading...]
Posted on October 22nd, 2008
Hockey blogger gets record traffic on first day of NHL season
VANCOUVER, CA -- Describing it as "something like he's never seen before," John Madsen was ecstatic Thursday night while watching the amazing traffic to his hockey-focused blog on the first [continue reading...]
Posted on October 9th, 2008
Alexander Ovechkin tells family he’s going on extended business trip (again)
MOSCOW, RUSSIA—With the start of the NHL season approaching, many players and coaches are taking the time to enjoy the remaining free time they have with friends and family, knowing [continue reading...]
Posted on October 9th, 2008
Bettman thrilled that Sarah Palin keeps mentioning hockey
NEW YORK -- John McCain's selection of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate may have been an unabashed attempt to placate disenfranchised conservative voters, but it has had [continue reading...]
Posted on September 16th, 2008
Toronto fans confused to see Buffalo and Pittsburgh play football, not hockey
TORONTO, CA -- Canada received its first taste of American football last week, but there is a lot of evidence suggesting they didn't fully understand what was happening. Fans exiting [continue reading...]
Posted on August 21st, 2008
Ovechkin wants Russian women only - DA!
Goodbye, Ocho Cinco....HELL-O, Sashen'ka Ovechkin! My new favorite athlete is even more hilarious-er than Chad, pretty cute despite the missing teeth, and he's looking for a Russian wife. OOO, ooo! Pick [continue reading...]
Posted on August 14th, 2008
Stanley Cup confiscated by airport security
PITTSBURGH, PA -- After a tiring 82-game regular season and 4 grueling playoff series, the Detroit Red Wings finally got their hands on hockey's most illustrious prize. But only hours [continue reading...]
Posted on June 6th, 2008
Malone breaks nose during post-game press conference
DETROIT, MI – After being thoroughly beaten up throughout the Stanley Cup Finals, Ryan Malone suffered a broken nose – again – during a press conference following Game 5. The [continue reading...]
Posted on June 4th, 2008
Hundreds of Red Wings fans hospitalized
DETROIT, MI -- Hospitals all over Detroit reported an unusual number of patients Monday, due in large part to Red Wings fans having octopi stuck in a very uncomfortable place. [continue reading...]
Posted on June 2nd, 2008
Dallas radio personality alleges Wings equipped with strategically placed rockets
DALLAS, TX -- A local sports talk show host has an interesting theory as to why his Dallas Stars are down 3-0 to the Detroit Red Wings and suddenly facing [continue reading...]
Posted on May 14th, 2008
Police find body frozen underneath ice at Joe Louis Arena
DETROIT, MI -- Police in Detroit have had strange murder cases before, but nothing quite like this. In the hours before the Red Wings' Saturday playoff game with the Colorado [continue reading...]
Posted on April 30th, 2008
NHL to get in on celeb dance craze, pair players with figure skaters
NEW YORK, NY -- Americans have a well-documented obsession with celebrities and reality television. So combining the two makes all the sense in the world, right? Well, that's something the [continue reading...]
Posted on April 3rd, 2008
Group of Russian NHL players set to block new MLS ruling
WASHINGTON, DC -- A formidable assembly of both current and former NHL players gathered before the governing body of Major League Soccer Monday morning, where they plan to protest the [continue reading...]
Posted on March 31st, 2008
NHL playoffs rumored to begin soon
BRISTOL, CT -- Over the past week, sources within the NHL have been whispering that the league intends to begin its annual playoffs soon, although the exact date remains in [continue reading...]
Posted on March 12th, 2008
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Crosby leads NHL All-Star ballotting
With Sid the Kid hitting the injury list for 6-8 weeks, he's not gonna get a chance to play in the All-Star game, even though he did finish as the [continue reading...]
Posted on January 22nd, 2008
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