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NFL Archives

Cardinals move up to seventh in ESPN’s latest power rankings

BRISTOL, CT -- Sunday's release of the ESPN.com's latest NFL power rankings saw the Arizona Cardinals make a big jump to seventh, while the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings took [continue reading...]

Posted on January 25th, 2009

Obama signs executive order shutting down Detroit Lions

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Calling its existence “an affront to everything our nation stands for” and declaring its legacy “a stain upon our history that we will never be able to fully erase," [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Giants surprisingly unsympathetic to lower-seed teams

NEW YORK, NY—In a rather puzzling and unexpected turn of events, the members of the New York Giants, most only one year removed from their improbable victory over the previously-unbeaten [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Jacksonville Jaguars blogger can’t figure out uncharacteristically low traffic from Tuesday

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Area man Charles Marrow, head writer for “JagsLand,” a blog devoted to the Jacksonville Jaguars, was perplexed today by the unusually low number of visits to his blog Tuesday [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers

PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 21st, 2009

God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers

PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 20th, 2009

Steelers still not sure who they’ll face in Super Bowl XLIII

PITTSBURGH, PA -- Though the glow from their AFC Championship victory over the Baltimore Ravens has yet to fully fade, the Pittsburgh Steelers are ready to move on and begin [continue reading...]

Posted on January 19th, 2009

Furious Archie Manning sends loser sons to bed without dinner

OXFORD, MS—Recalling that his boys had promised “never to come home again without a Super Bowl championship” and saying that he had “never heard of such appalling underachievement”, an infuriated [continue reading...]

Posted on January 19th, 2009

UPDATE: Kurt Warner actually not giving a full $500 per player to charity this year

PHOENIX, AZ -- A very upset Kurt Warner contacted SSNN late Friday to inform the staff of a critical error in a story published Friday. SSNN published a story Friday that [continue reading...]

Posted on January 17th, 2009

Schwartz hoping NFL adds regular season games for shot at loss record

DETROIT, MI -- Now that he has been formally introduced as the head coach of the 0-16 Detroit Lions, former Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz has begun the process [continue reading...]

Posted on January 17th, 2009

Gruden to Bucs: “I’m taking QBs with me”

TAMPA, FL -- In the wake of his surprising and much-ballyhooed firing from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, longtime NFL head coach Jon Gruden has served notice to his former team [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

Kurt Warner makes donations in his teammates name as a thank you for getting him to the Pro Bowl

PHOENIX, AZ -- On the eve of the franchise's biggest game in the last sixty years, the Arizona Cardinals clubhouse is in turmoil today after Kurt Warner gave presents to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

Baltimore mayor to change name to “Steelerssuckballsxon”

BALTIMORE, MD -- In a somewhat extreme response to Pittsburgh counterpart Luke Ravenstahl changing his last name to Steelerstahl, Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon will become Sheila Steelerssuckballsxon later this morning. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

Vick threatening to become a vet if he can’t play in NFL

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- After watching his former team thrive with rookie Matt Ryan at quarterback, former NFL star Michael Vick knows his days as an Atlanta Falcon are over – [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”

DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Myron Rolle’s teammates believe he was drafted by Oxford

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Florida State safety Myron Rolle pleasantly surprised the sporting world today with his announcement that as a result of his being awarded a Rhodes Scholarship, he was going to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

Local man not really interested in trading places with Donovan McNabb

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- As the Philadelphia Eagles were sewing up their victory over the New York Giants, Simon Humphries noted that it must be nice to be Donovan McNabb. "I was [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

Reports from the Kornheiser family indicate that watching a game with Tony Kornheiser on the couch is as or more annoying than watching it with him commentating on TV

WASHINGTON, DC -- Reports from the nation's capital this holiday season indicate that although Monday Night Football is over for the year, commentator Tony Kornheiser is just as annouing as [continue reading...]

Posted on January 12th, 2009

Two dudes in Tampa pretty nervous about getting stabbed by Ray Lewis’s entourage three weeks from tonight

TAMPA, FL -- Juan Montanez and Cecil "Lucky C" Whitman are freaking out today, with the anticipation that one of them will almost surely be stabbed by one of [continue reading...]

Posted on January 12th, 2009

Favre resumes taking painkillers

NEW YORK, NY—In what has become a rather predictable off-season routine for the football world, Jets quarterback Brett Favre announced today that he will, after spending several weeks with his [continue reading...]

Posted on January 10th, 2009

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