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New York Yankees Archives
Hal Steinbrenner thinks Derek Jeter may get a lot of chicks
NEW YORK -- Fresh off his revelation last week that Yankees ticket prices are too high, Hal Steinbrenner dropped another bombshell this week, indicating that he has also surmised that [continue reading...]
Posted on April 4th, 2009
Reporter develops new “on steroids” game for A-Rod, kind of like “in bed” with fortune cookies
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA -- In an amazing development of modern journalism, reporter Michael Terwilliger of SSNN's Palm Beach, Fla. satellite office has developed an amazing game. "It's just like the fortune [continue reading...]
Posted on February 27th, 2009
American public still under impression baseball players of old wouldn’t have used steroids
NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his [continue reading...]
Posted on February 12th, 2009
Dominican baseballer A-Rod responds to charges — “No hablo Ingles.”
NEW YORK -- Controversy exploded this weekend when Dominican-American baseballer Alex Rodriguez was accused of using steroids. Rodriguez, widely considered the greatest player in the game, went into seclusion virtually immediately. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
Bruce Springsteen eaten by CC Sabathia during meeting
TAMPA BAY, FL -- Millions of Americans are reeling right now after they've found out that Bruce Springsteen will not be able to perform at halftime of the Super Bowl, [continue reading...]
Posted on February 1st, 2009
UPDATE: Sabathia secures meeting with Springsteen at Super Bowl
TAMPA BAY, FL—As recently reported by your humble correspondents at SSNN, Yankees ace and gigantic Bruce Springsteen fan CC Sabathia has been waiting in heightened anticipation for Springsteen’s halftime performance [continue reading...]
Posted on February 1st, 2009
CC Sabathia “so freakin’ pumped” for Springsteen halftime show
TAMPA BAY, FL—Like much of America, Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia is looking forward to tomorrow's Super Bowl. Unlike the overwhelming majority of his countrymen, however, Sabathia will not be tuning [continue reading...]
Posted on January 31st, 2009
Yankees assign Mark Teixeira to wake up CC Sabathia from hibernation
NEW YORK -- With spring training just around the corner, the New York Yankees are beginning their final preparations for the season. This year, that includes the daunting task of [continue reading...]
Posted on January 23rd, 2009
Suddenly feeling very poor, Jeter mails in gold gloves to be melted down for extra cash
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After watching his team commit a total of more than $420 million to free agents in the offseason, New York Yankees stalwart captain and shortstop [continue reading...]
Posted on January 9th, 2009
Red Sox fans “didn’t want that Teixeira douche anyway”
BOSTON, MA—One would have thought that the Yankees nabbing former Angels first baseman Mark Teixeira and signing him to an 8-year $180 million deal would have put a bit of [continue reading...]
Posted on December 26th, 2008
Yankees sign Santa Claus to a 10-year, $210M deal; still get no presents
NEW YORK, NY -- Continuing their off-season spending spree, the Yankees nabbed two big-name free agents yesterday, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and North Pole resident Santa Claus. Though Teixeira’s 8-year [continue reading...]
Posted on December 25th, 2008
Obama doesn’t really have an issue with the way the Yankees spend money
HONOLULU, OAHU, HI -- President-elect and extreme sports fan Barack Obama is always willing to offer an opinion as to how the sports world can improve itself. However, when reached in [continue reading...]
Posted on December 24th, 2008
ESPN discovers 28 other MLB squads
BRISTOL, CT -- With the help of a research team numbering in the hundreds, sports media giant ESPN made a startling discovery this weekend that, over time, could prove to [continue reading...]
Posted on December 21st, 2008
ESPN discovers 28 other MLB squads
BRISTOL, CT -- With the help of a research team numbering in the hundreds, sports media giant ESPN made a startling discovery this weekend that, over time, could prove to [continue reading...]
Posted on December 20th, 2008
Pavano to Yankees: “Be careful with long-term, high-dollar contracts for generally-unproven, injury-prone free agent pitchers
NEW YORK -- In the wake of the New York Yankees closing on a long-term deal with A.J. Burnett, the team heard from an old friend with a word of [continue reading...]
Posted on December 19th, 2008
Yankees make a play for another big-named pitcher
BRONX, N.Y. -- Following the historic signing of pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the New York Yankees are in talks with another big name, announcing Thursday that they are going to pursue [continue reading...]
Posted on December 12th, 2008
Sabathia to eat old Yankee Stadium
NEW YORK, NY—The signing of CC Sabathia by the Yankees on Wednesday presented the Yankees with one answer to two of their problems: shoring up their porous pitching staff, and [continue reading...]
Posted on December 10th, 2008
A-Rod to play for Israel in World Baseball Classic?
MIAMI, FL -- After weeks of rumors incorrectly asserting that Alex Rodriguez would play for the Dominican Republic in the upcoming World Baseball Classic, SSNN has learned that actually the [continue reading...]
Posted on December 7th, 2008
A-Rod and Madonna schedule Xmas party for the night before Jeter’s
NEW YORK, NY -- Every year for the last ten, Derek Jeter has rented out the Broome Street Bar one of the last weekends before Christmas, and he has all [continue reading...]
Posted on November 27th, 2008
Yankees fax offer to Sabathia who promptly eats it
NEW YORK -- The New York Yankees confirmed today that they have sent a contract offer to lefty CC Sabathia, but that unfortunately the pitcher devoured the fax. "It's no [continue reading...]
Posted on November 18th, 2008
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