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New England Patriots Archives

Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls

This isn’t exactly what Satan looks like, but it’s close

BOSTON, MA -- In celebration of their first NBA championship in 22 years, the city of Boston has scheduled a victory parade for their beloved Celtics. The parade will be [continue reading...]

Posted on June 18th, 2008

Taylor offers to teach Parcells to dance

Imagine if that hottie was Bill Parcells… mmmm…

MIAMI, FL -- Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor has made the first move in trying to repair his relationship with Bill Parcells, Miami's new Executive Vice President of Football [continue reading...]

Posted on May 29th, 2008

MLB establishment, press, fans all excited about AL East expansion

BOSTON, MA -- Sportswriters across America are baffled by the emergence of other teams in the American League East this season. Newspapers and websites alike – not to mention the [continue reading...]

Posted on May 20th, 2008

Belichick also misinterpreted the rules of marriage

Bill Belichick has the noblest intentions

BOSTON, MA -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's claim that he misinterpreted the rules preventing the taping of the opposition's signals during games elicited a firestorm of doubters, [continue reading...]

Posted on May 19th, 2008

Specter wants Walsh indicted for teasing

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Although the video tapes he turned over to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell proved that former Patriots' video assistant Matt Walsh had done nothing illegal, he may not [continue reading...]

Posted on May 16th, 2008

Matt Walsh turns over tape showing Belichick in Darth Vader mask

Even with the mask, Belichick wears a hoodie

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- SSNN has learned that the tapes former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh turned over to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell include footage of Patriots [continue reading...]

Posted on May 13th, 2008

Walker selected in fourth and seventh rounds of draft

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- More than twenty years has passed since Herschel Walker was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the fifth round of the 1985 NFL Draft. But [continue reading...]

Posted on April 28th, 2008

Johnson surprised to learn cheerleader he proposed to leaving Bengals

CINCINNATI, OH -- After being blindsided last week by the news that fellow Bengal receiver Chris Henry had been released by the team following the latest in his long string [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

Belichick downplays Spygate episode while battling evil wheelchair-bound villain

BOSTON, MA -- Months after they were embroiled in a scandal when caught videotaping an opposing team's signals, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick insists that his team has [continue reading...]

Posted on April 1st, 2008

Brady changed by fatherhood, hopes for more children

BOSTON, MA -- In an exclusive interview with SSNN, Tom Brady talked for the first time about what it feels like to be a father. Brady, a three-time Super Bowl [continue reading...]

Posted on March 31st, 2008

Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it

HELL -- In a statement released by a spokesman for Lucifer, the horned beast has declared that he no longer has any use for the soul of New England Patriots [continue reading...]

Posted on March 11th, 2008

Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”

NEW YORK, NY -- With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 19th, 2008

Miami parade to honor Giants, ‘72 Dolphins

MIAMI, FL -- The Miami Department of City Planning has announced that on Friday, February 8 at noon there will be a parade – formally the "Reebok Still Perfect Parade" [continue reading...]

Posted on February 6th, 2008

Brady missing Pro Bowl with unexpected bout of soreloseritus

BOSTON, MA -- In the wake of his team's dramatic Super Bowl XLII's loss, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced that he would not be journeying to Hawaii for [continue reading...]

Posted on February 6th, 2008

‘72 Dolphins remain most pretentious team ever

MIAMI, FL -- Though it came late enough this season to give them all a good scare, the 1972 Miami Dolphins got together on Monday for their traditional champagne toast [continue reading...]

Posted on February 5th, 2008

New England chef admits he didn’t “leave it all in the kitchen”

GLENDALE, AZ -- In the aftermath of the New England Patriots' disappointing Super Bowl loss, fingers of blame are being pointed willy-nilly throughout the organization. Few Patriot staffers, [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2008

Dubya places misguided congratulatory call to Patriots

WASHINGTON D.C.- As George "Dubya" Bush limps towards the final stage of his presidency, he will face what is sure to be less-than-pleasant response from the New York Giant faithful. [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2008

Brady tired of beating Mannings

GLENDALE, AZ -- Tom Brady, usually unflappable leading up to important games, has shown uncharacteristic sensitivity to a number of issues as Super Bowl XLII approaches. In addition to admitting [continue reading...]

Posted on February 2nd, 2008

Peyton: Eli will wear Ring Sunday

PHOENIX, AZ -- Surprising the entire gathering of media and fans, Peyton Manning stepped out Friday when he predicted that his younger brother would be the second Manning to wear [continue reading...]

Posted on February 1st, 2008

Shula: Patriots not undefeated until they win NCAA Tournament, World Series of Poker

GLENDALE, AZ -- Don Shula, coach of the 1972 Dolphins, hastily called a press conference outside University of Phoenix Stadium Thursday morning to make an important announcement about the New [continue reading...]

Posted on January 31st, 2008

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