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New England Patriots Archives
Kitna: Lions will end world hunger, global warming, wars
DETROIT, MI -- Last season, Lions quarterback Jon Kitna made a bold prediction his team couldn’t quite live up to. Now he expects even bigger things in Detroit in [continue reading...]
Posted on May 11th, 2008
Walker selected in fourth and seventh rounds of draft
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- More than twenty years has passed since Herschel Walker was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the fifth round of the 1985 NFL Draft. But [continue reading...]
Posted on April 28th, 2008
Johnson surprised to learn cheerleader he proposed to leaving Bengals
CINCINNATI, OH -- After being blindsided last week by the news that fellow Bengal receiver Chris Henry had been released by the team following the latest in his long string [continue reading...]
Posted on April 9th, 2008
Belichick downplays Spygate episode while battling evil wheelchair-bound villain
BOSTON, MA -- Months after they were embroiled in a scandal when caught videotaping an opposing team's signals, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick insists that his team has [continue reading...]
Posted on April 1st, 2008
Brady changed by fatherhood, hopes for more children
BOSTON, MA -- In an exclusive interview with SSNN, Tom Brady talked for the first time about what it feels like to be a father. Brady, a three-time Super Bowl [continue reading...]
Posted on March 31st, 2008
Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it
HELL -- In a statement released by a spokesman for Lucifer, the horned beast has declared that he no longer has any use for the soul of New England Patriots [continue reading...]
Posted on March 11th, 2008
Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”
NEW YORK, NY -- With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the [continue reading...]
Posted on February 19th, 2008
Miami parade to honor Giants, ‘72 Dolphins
MIAMI, FL -- The Miami Department of City Planning has announced that on Friday, February 8 at noon there will be a parade – formally the "Reebok Still Perfect Parade" [continue reading...]
Posted on February 6th, 2008
Brady missing Pro Bowl with unexpected bout of soreloseritus
BOSTON, MA -- In the wake of his team's dramatic Super Bowl XLII's loss, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced that he would not be journeying to Hawaii for [continue reading...]
Posted on February 6th, 2008
‘72 Dolphins remain most pretentious team ever
MIAMI, FL -- Though it came late enough this season to give them all a good scare, the 1972 Miami Dolphins got together on Monday for their traditional champagne toast [continue reading...]
Posted on February 5th, 2008
New England chef admits he didn’t “leave it all in the kitchen”
GLENDALE, AZ -- In the aftermath of the New England Patriots' disappointing Super Bowl loss, fingers of blame are being pointed willy-nilly throughout the organization. Few Patriot staffers, [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Dubya places misguided congratulatory call to Patriots
WASHINGTON D.C.- As George "Dubya" Bush limps towards the final stage of his presidency, he will face what is sure to be less-than-pleasant response from the New York Giant faithful. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Brady tired of beating Mannings
GLENDALE, AZ -- Tom Brady, usually unflappable leading up to important games, has shown uncharacteristic sensitivity to a number of issues as Super Bowl XLII approaches. In addition to admitting [continue reading...]
Posted on February 2nd, 2008
Peyton: Eli will wear Ring Sunday
PHOENIX, AZ -- Surprising the entire gathering of media and fans, Peyton Manning stepped out Friday when he predicted that his younger brother would be the second Manning to wear [continue reading...]
Posted on February 1st, 2008
Shula: Patriots not undefeated until they win NCAA Tournament, World Series of Poker
GLENDALE, AZ -- Don Shula, coach of the 1972 Dolphins, hastily called a press conference outside University of Phoenix Stadium Thursday morning to make an important announcement about the New [continue reading...]
Posted on January 31st, 2008
Randy Moss reportedly tells accuser ‘watch Super Bowl to see real beating’
GLENDALE, AZ -- According to inside sources with the New England Patriots, Randy Moss has had several conversations with the woman who accused him of hitting her. "Yeah, Randy talked [continue reading...]
Posted on January 31st, 2008
Brady: “Super Bowl is chance for perfect suntan”
GLENDALE, AZ -- Tom Brady announced Wednesday morning that he thinks the Pats trip to the Super Bowl provides the ultimate chance to really nail down the perfect suntan. [continue reading...]
Posted on January 30th, 2008
Petty to just play Guitar Hero III for Super Bowl halftime
GLENDALE, AZ -- This is not your father's Super Bowl. Instead of rehearsing an elaborate stage show – complete with countless dancers, multiple songs, fireworks, and the rest – Tom Petty [continue reading...]
Posted on January 29th, 2008
New Jersey moron actually thinks Brady might not play in Super Bowl
WEST ORANGE, N.J. -- 24-year-old Johnny Marciano, a sixth-year senior at Rutgers, is extremely excited today as he anticipates Patriots quarterback Tom Brady potentially having to sit out the Super [continue reading...]
Posted on January 28th, 2008
Wife of Pats’ Seymour says husband not dirty, just “a little kinky”
FOXBORO, MA -- Tonya Seymour, wife of Patriots defensive lineman Richard Seymour, today defended her husband against allegations that he's a dirty player. "My husband is not a dirty player," [continue reading...]
Posted on January 24th, 2008
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