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New England Patriots Archives
Belichick trades heart-less Cassel for almost nothing
KANSAS CITY, MO -- The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at [continue reading...]
Posted on March 3rd, 2009
Patriots coach Bill Belichick caught taping the Cardinals’ taping of the Steelers’ practice
TAMPA BAY -- New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is facing a new suspension today after he was caught videotaping the Arizona Cardinals, who were taping the Pittsburgh [continue reading...]
Posted on January 29th, 2009
2008 Top 20, #3: Petty to just play Guitar Hero III for Super Bowl halftime
SSNN is presenting its top 20 posts from 2008 in order. Enjoy! GLENDALE, AZ -- This is not your father's Super Bowl. Instead of rehearsing an elaborate stage show – complete with [continue reading...]
Posted on December 31st, 2008
2007 Top 20, #7: Brady missing Pro Bowl with unexpected bout of soreloseritus
BOSTON, MA -- In the wake of his team's dramatic Super Bowl XLII's loss, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced that he would not be journeying to Hawaii for [continue reading...]
Posted on December 30th, 2008
Matt Cassel not making any friends with “updog” jokes in locker room
FOXBORO, MA -- After leading his team in a pasting of the Arizona Cardinals with another huge passing day, New England Patriots QB Matt Cassel should be the toast of [continue reading...]
Posted on December 25th, 2008
Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro
FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill [continue reading...]
Posted on November 12th, 2008
Evangelicals take credit for Tampa Bay playoff berth
TAMPA BAY, FL -- Christian evangelicals across the country are rejoicing today as the Tampa Bay Rays have made the playoffs, an event for which evangelicals are taking complete credit. "See [continue reading...]
Posted on September 24th, 2008
Patriots sign Manning
FOXBORO, MA -- The New England Patriots, in a move of possible desperation, have signed Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli, to play quarterback for the rest of [continue reading...]
Posted on September 20th, 2008
Tom Brady retired to stud
FOXBORO, MA—Citing his season-ending injury and diminishing enthusiasm for the game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement yesterday, and said he plans to spend more time with breath-takingly hot [continue reading...]
Posted on September 18th, 2008
Matt Cassel prays science experiment ends world before Sunday
FOXBORO, MA—Newly-minted Patriots starting QB Matt Cassel has begun to pray that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment in Geneva, Switzerland induces a cataclysmic reaction and ending all life on [continue reading...]
Posted on September 11th, 2008
Tom Brady’s rehab plan is basically to bang a bunch of supermodels
FOXBORO, MA -- Monday was a grim day for the fans of the New England Patriots. In what has become know and the "second shot heard 'round the world" the [continue reading...]
Posted on September 10th, 2008
Boston sports fans gear up for hockey season
BOSTON, MA -- Just two days after beloved New England Patriots QB Tom Brady went down with a season ending torn ACL, Boston fans have already started looking to the [continue reading...]
Posted on September 10th, 2008
Irate Bostonian attacks roommate over Brady injury
CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Lifelong Boston resident and die-hard Patriots fan Patrick O'Callaghan erupted in a fit of fury Sunday afternoon, after watching beloved Pats quarterback Tom Brady go down with [continue reading...]
Posted on September 9th, 2008
Brady, Moss caught playing ‘Screw, Marry, Kill’ with Lynch, O’Neal, and Hobbs
FOXBORO, MA—Scandal erupted in Patriots training camp yesterday when members of the media walked in on pro-bowlers Tom Brady and Randy Moss engaging in the game known as “Screw, marry, [continue reading...]
Posted on September 2nd, 2008
Patriots post “Curb Alert” for Lynch on Craigslist
FOXBORO, MA – After three weeks of trying desperately to unload him for money, draft picks, or players, the New England Patriots are giving away John Lynch, having placed him [continue reading...]
Posted on September 2nd, 2008
Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”
NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
Tom Brady, Sr. having trouble picking out son’s birthday gift
SAN MATEO, CA -- Tom Brady, Sr. – father of New England Patriots' superstar quarterback Tom Brady – is having a "helluva time" figuring out what to get his son [continue reading...]
Posted on June 26th, 2008
“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston
BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]
Posted on June 25th, 2008
Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls
BOSTON, MA -- In celebration of their first NBA championship in 22 years, the city of Boston has scheduled a victory parade for their beloved Celtics. The parade will be [continue reading...]
Posted on June 18th, 2008
Taylor offers to teach Parcells to dance
MIAMI, FL -- Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor has made the first move in trying to repair his relationship with Bill Parcells, Miami's new Executive Vice President of Football [continue reading...]
Posted on May 29th, 2008
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