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NBA Archives
Local 12-year-olds disappointed by lack of Kobe-LeBron Final
KINGSBURY, NY—Local 12-year-olds Howard Harrison and Damien Shingwel announced today their disappointment that this year’s much-anticipated, much-hyped potential NBA Finals matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los [continue reading...]
Posted on June 3rd, 2009
Sports reporter would rather be covering economy instead of a basketball game
PORTLAND, OR—Portland Tribune reporter James Answel found himself completely unable to focus during the Trailblazers 111-94 rout of the Lakers Tuesday night, his journalistic mind preoccupied with matters outside the [continue reading...]
Posted on March 12th, 2009
Arenas forced to drop “Black President” nickname
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With Barack Obama's Tuesday inauguration as America's first African-American president, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has had to come to some tough realizations. "All of a sudden, [continue reading...]
Posted on January 28th, 2009
After dropping from Senate contention, Kennedy wants New York job where you get paid $20 million a year to do nothing
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- When presumptive frontrunner Caroline Kennedy withdrew her name from consideration for the New York senate seat vacated by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, many people [continue reading...]
Posted on January 26th, 2009
Nets expected to sign sack of rocks for $2.3 million to facilitate Hughes-Simmons trade
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ -- As the NBA trade deadline approaches, rumors of a trade involving Bobby Simmons of the New Jersey Nets and Larry Hughes of the Chicago Bulls are [continue reading...]
Posted on January 22nd, 2009
Cuban uses blog to challenge J.R. Smith to steel cage match
DALLAS, TX -- Days after being assessed a $25,000 fine for improper interaction with an opposing player, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is pushing the envelope again – this time [continue reading...]
Posted on January 18th, 2009
Barkley jumps to Verizon: “Surely someone in The Network can give me a blowjob.”
PHOENIX -- Ex-NBA star Charles Barkley was unceremoniously dropped as the T-Mobile celebrity spokesperson earlier today in the fallout of Barkley’s New Year’s Eve DUI arrest, in which a [continue reading...]
Posted on January 14th, 2009
Trail Blazers to League: Pick up Miles and we’re telling on you
PORTLAND, OR—The Portland Trail Blazers have issued the direst of warnings to its fellow 29 teams: sign Darius Miles and we are so telling on you. Miles, who November 2006 [continue reading...]
Posted on January 10th, 2009
2008 Year in Review, #1: Furious Palin demands recount after learning about “Golden State” while watching NBA
WASILLA, AK -- A furious Sarah Palin is phoning Republican attorneys this morning and demanding a recount after learning that an entire state's votes may not have been counted in [continue reading...]
Posted on January 1st, 2009
2008 Top 20, #8: Citing failures in New Orleans, NBA moving ‘09 All-Star to Jakarta
NEW ORLEANS, LA -- Describing the All-Star Weekend in New Orleans as a "monumental error in judgment and a tremendous letdown," NBA commissioner David Stern announced that next year's All-Star [continue reading...]
Posted on December 30th, 2008
2008 Top 20, #16: Entire KU team declares for NBA draft
LAWRENCE, KS -- The entire National Championship-winning Kansas Jayhawks basketball team has declared for the NBA draft as a collective unit, SSNN has learned. Cole Aldrich, Darrell Arthur, Brennan Bechard, Chase [continue reading...]
Posted on December 28th, 2008
2008 Year in Review, #20: Mayor of New Orleans didn’t know Hornets were in playoffs
SSNN is presenting its top 20 posts from 2008 in order. Enjoy! NEW ORLEANS, LA -- New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin was both thrilled and stunned Tuesday when, while channel surfing, [continue reading...]
Posted on December 27th, 2008
76ers’ Brand to miss 3-4 weeks with torn labia
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Philadelphia 76ers forward Elton Brand, the key offseason acquisition of a franchise currently searching for an identity, left Wednesday’s game against the Milwaukee Bucks with what interim [continue reading...]
Posted on December 18th, 2008
Lebron James furious about all these damn emails from David Plouffe and Barack Obama
CLEVELAND, OH -- Lebron James checks his email about three times a day, and he's getting pretty sick of seeing the words "Plouffe" and "Obama" every time. "I donated $25 to [continue reading...]
Posted on December 16th, 2008
Allen Iverson’s music tastes causing problems in Pistons locker room
DETROIT, MI -- Allen Iverson was brought to Detroit to lead the Pistons back to the NBA Finals. However, in the early going, he's leading the team into quite a bit [continue reading...]
Posted on November 26th, 2008
Kobe Bryant and Vanessa Bryant accidentally have a date arranged for them by AshleyMadison.com
LOS ANGELES, CA -- When Kobe Bryant registered for AshleyMadison.com, he didn't know what he expected to find. However, after an unusual turn of events this week, Bryant was taken [continue reading...]
Posted on November 25th, 2008
Obama hopes to bring an NBA team to Washington DC
WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama loves basketball; this much has been well-documented. What has not yet been made public is Washington, DC's newest resident's plans for basketball in the nation's capital. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on November 25th, 2008
Obama to spend entire day Friday giving sports advice to others
WASHINGTON, DC -- President-elect Barack Obama is spending Friday working on helping out the nation's sporting scene by blasting out free and unsolicited advice to various leagues, teams and athletes. [continue reading...]
Posted on November 21st, 2008
ARCHIVES — KG: “Facebook would be more fun if I had gone to college”
Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece. BOSTON, MA -- Though there have not been many occasions when he has regretted his decision of more than ten years ago, [continue reading...]
Posted on November 21st, 2008
ARCHIVES: Kobe officially tired of talking about how Shaq’s ass tastes
Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece. LOS ANGELES, CA -- Finally breaking his silence about Shaquille O'Neal's controversial freestyle rap, Kobe Bryant revealed to SSNN that – not [continue reading...]
Posted on November 20th, 2008
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