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Milwaukee Brewers Archives

Sabathia loses control; weight expected to balloon.

MILWAUKEE, WI--Fresh off his disappointing performance in the Brewers' opening-round elimination, CC Sabathia has vanished, leaving friends and family concerned about the ace's weight and safety. ''It's no secret CC has [continue reading...]

Posted on October 6th, 2008

Philadelphia fan commits ritual suicide after dominant start by Cole Hamels

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Cole Hamels dominated the Brewers for eight innings yesterday, propelling the Phillies to a 1-0 lead in their best-of-five playoff series, and tragically ending the life of [continue reading...]

Posted on October 2nd, 2008

Bush leaving work early to watch MLB playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC -- U.S. President George W. Bush announced that he's finishing work at 3:00 pm eastern time today, in plenty of time to get over to the residence and [continue reading...]

Posted on October 1st, 2008

Brewers have Sabathia throw a 180-pitch side session Tuesday

MILWAUKEE -- A "bored" Milwaukee Brewers team had ace pitcher CC Sabathia throw a 180-pitch side session Tuesday to help pass some time, a day before the team takes on [continue reading...]

Posted on September 30th, 2008

Selig proposes plan to make things right with Astros

HOUSTON, MILWAUKEE, NEW YORK, and PHILADELPHIA -- Bud Selig, apparently feeling "really bad" after ruining the Astros season last week and then demonstrating a total and complete double standard this [continue reading...]

Posted on September 25th, 2008

Selig to Astros: “Stop complaining, or I’ll make you play the entire 2009 season in Montreal.”

HOUSTON, TX -- As many Houston Astros players and fans express their outrage at Bud Selig's decision to force the Astros to play two makeup "home games" in Milwaukee, Selig [continue reading...]

Posted on September 22nd, 2008

Sabathia credits Boss for NL dominance

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Recently acquired Brewer's pitcher CC Sabathia has gone on a tear as of late – with an 8-0 record and an ERA of 1.60 in his nine [continue reading...]

Posted on August 22nd, 2008

Sabathia-Fielder combo devastating to Milwaukee buffet owners

CC is happiest right after eating a buffet out of business.

MILWAUKEE, WI -- The recent acquisition of pitcher CC Sabathia has sent Milwaukee all-you-can-eat buffet owners running for the hills. "Prince Fielder was bad enough, but at least he was [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Brewers cut Braun, Torres

Colon, who is likely fatter than this picture, is bigger than Braun and Torres combined!

MILWAUKEE, WI -- The Milwaukee Brewers made a stunning move following their four-game sweep of the Cardinals Thursday, when they released Ryan Braun and Solomon Torres, two of the best [continue reading...]

Posted on July 25th, 2008

80’s singer Corey Hart wins online All-Star vote

Corey Hart, wearing sunglasses, possibly at night.

NEW YORK, NY -- In a victory deemed by many baseball experts as a shocking upset, singer Corey Hart won an online fan vote for the final spot on the [continue reading...]

Posted on July 13th, 2008

CC Sabathia confused by new nickname

MILWAUKEE -- CC Sabathia had an unusual request of reporters in Milwaukee upon arriving with the team Tuesday – no more periods. "I've just decided to go with CC, without periods," [continue reading...]

Posted on July 8th, 2008

Sabathia settles Brewers rotation debate by eating Sheets

CC’s paunch is even larger after he added Ben Sheets to it…

MILWAUKEE, WI -- When the Brewers traded for C.C. Sabathia yesterday, there was a lot of debate as to whether the incoming "ace" would replace the current "ace" of the [continue reading...]

Posted on July 8th, 2008

Source: Sabathia demanded trade to Milwaukee

Sabathia’s neck is well on its way to disappearing.

CLEVELAND, OH – Mere hours after the trade of C.C. Sabathia to the Milwaukee Brewers was reported by ESPN's Buster Olney, sources within the Cleveland Indians organization say the team [continue reading...]

Posted on July 7th, 2008

NL Central teams petition to have games ended after eight innings

NEW YORK, NY – In an unprecedented move, management from four of the teams within the National League Central Division have petitioned MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow their teams [continue reading...]

Posted on May 12th, 2008

Brewers’ mediocre play leading Uecker to drink again

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Entering the season, Milwaukee Brewers fans had reason to be optimistic about their team's chances to win a division title in 2008. After all, the Brew Crew [continue reading...]

Posted on April 30th, 2008

Men accidentally kiss after selecting Escobar at fantasy draft

ERIE, PA -- Things are a little awkward these days for a pair of friends from Erie's South Side, following an awkward incident that took place at this weekend's fantasy [continue reading...]

Posted on April 5th, 2008

Kapler can’t stop singing ‘Sunglasses at Night’

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Brewers fans will notice they have a much more festive – and musical – outfield this season. And it's due in no small part to new outfielder [continue reading...]

Posted on April 4th, 2008

Congressmen drafted by Brewers, ordered to bat against Randy Johnson

PHOENIX, AZ -- Congressmen Elijah Cummings (D-MD) and Henry Waxman (D-CA) have been drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers and ordered to suit up for Friday's exhibition contest against the Arizona [continue reading...]

Posted on March 12th, 2008

Waitress feels stupid after realizing Prince Fielder is not actually heir to any crown

PHOENIX, AZ -- Phoenix waitress Angela Lariano is feeling ashamed today, after she slept with Prince Fielder because she mistakenly believed the 250-lb. slugger was a real member of a [continue reading...]

Posted on February 25th, 2008

Capuano spotted at frat party showing pickoff move to Thetas

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Erstwhile Brewers starting pitcher Chris Capuano's demotion to the bullpen has had little effect on the tremendous game he tosses at the ladies of Milwaukee, [continue reading...]

Posted on September 19th, 2007

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