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Michael Phelps Archives

Phelps robs bank, kills man; USOC accepts apology

CHARLESTON, SC -- Olympic superstar Michael Phelps apologized to the nation today after security camera photos captured him robbing a Bank of America bank branch here in Charleston, and also [continue reading...]

Posted on February 6th, 2009

Phelps declares he’s going to win 15 gold medals in London to make up for recent misstep

BALTIMORE, MD -- An apologetic Michael Phelps has announced that he's going to win 15 gold medals at the London 2012 Olympics to make up for the embarrassment caused by [continue reading...]

Posted on February 3rd, 2009

2008 Year in Review, #10: Olympic swimmer Phelps has water in ear, ends quest for history

BEIJING, CHINA -- Michael Phelps, the celebrated American swimmer expected to shatter the Olympic record for most gold medals in a single Olympics, will not have the opportunity after getting [continue reading...]

Posted on December 29th, 2008

Ann Curry annoying friends, family, country by referring to Olympics as “Games of the 29th Olympiad”

BEIJING, CHINA -- Ann Curry's friends and family report that they've been "really annoyed" for over two weeks, Ms. Curry refuses to refer to the Olympics by any name other [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Women’s gymnastics top-rated program among men 34-55 fitting FBI pedophile profile

NEW YORK, NY -- The Nielsen Media Research Corporation has announced the ratings results of last week's Olympic games. The top-rated sport this time around was swimming – this came as [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Olympic swimmer Phelps has water in ear, ends quest for history

BEIJING, CHINA -- Michael Phelps, the celebrated American swimmer expected to shatter the Olympic record for most gold medals in a single Olympics, will not have the opportunity after getting [continue reading...]

Posted on August 14th, 2008

Lezak outduels Bernard in Beijing lunchroom

BEIJING, CHINA -- Although from 30 yards away it appeared a near impossibility, somehow American swimmer Jason Lezak managed to outreach French swimmer Alain Bernard for the final banana in [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Phelps fails to qualify for NASCAR race

WATKINS GLEN, NY -- Bored of just kicking the shit out of random Europeans and Asians in swimming pools, and inspired by Michelle Wie, Michael Phelps decided it was time [continue reading...]

Posted on August 9th, 2008

Michael Phelps ecstatic to be relevant again

SOMEWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA OR POSSIBLY EUROPE -- Michael Phelps was just having a normal Tuesday last week, when something amazing happened. Phelps, who had started his [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

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