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Manny Ramirez Archives

Manny Ramirez busted for juicing

LOS ANGELES -- Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league's substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he's been injecting himself with various fruit juices [continue reading...]

Posted on May 7th, 2009

Manny Ramirez emphasizes to Dodgers he plans to sell his private jet and begin investing in alternative energy

LOS ANGELES, CA—Fresh off of his rejection of the Dodgers’ latest contract extension, Manny Ramirez released a statement through his agent Scott Boras on Monday, in which the twelve-time all-star [continue reading...]

Posted on March 1st, 2009

Manny Ramirez can’t stop talking about “difficult economic times”

LOS ANGELES, CA—No one is safe from economic hardships these days, not even the multi-billion dollar sports industry. Players, coaches, and owners alike have all felt the pinch of the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Red Sox fans “didn’t want that Teixeira douche anyway”

BOSTON, MA—One would have thought that the Yankees nabbing former Angels first baseman Mark Teixeira and signing him to an 8-year $180 million deal would have put a bit of [continue reading...]

Posted on December 26th, 2008

Red Sox hoping to trade for a big bat for the rest of the postseason, like Manny Ramirez

BOSTON, MA -- A panicked Theo Epstein spent the entire evening Tuesday working the phones and his BlackBerry, attempting desperately to obtain a power hitter for the Red Sox lineup [continue reading...]

Posted on October 15th, 2008

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Drew’s lingering back problems result of carrying team in June

Drew is just happy to know the source of his back pain.

BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox outfielder JD Drew got a surprise diagnosis from team physician Dr. Thomas Gill Wednesday regarding his ailing back. "His lower back has been bothering him [continue reading...]

Posted on August 21st, 2008

Instead of cutting hair, Ramirez to wear new, technologically advanced Speedo suit

LOS ANGELES -- In need of some more quickness and in an effort to comply with the Dodgers' clean dress code, Manny Ramirez had been talking about cutting off the [continue reading...]

Posted on August 18th, 2008

PGA invites Ramirez, Favre to gain extra coverage

Tim Finchem has to think outside the box with Tiger injured.

BLOOMFIELD TOWNSHIP, MI -- PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem has taken the unusual step of inviting non-professional golfers Manny Ramirez and Brett Favre to play in the PGA Championship this [continue reading...]

Posted on August 8th, 2008

“Manny being Manny” excuse infuriating to mother of 13-year-old Long Island boy

Emmanuel “Manny” Leiftowitz looks nothing like this.

MANHASSET, NY -- Rebecca Leiftowitz has had just about enough of her son Emmanuel "Manny" Leiftowitz's antics, and his excuses are starting to wear thin as well. "Emmanuel is such a [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

Ramirez plans to become gay porn star

Manny’s trademark dreads should help him in his gay porn career.

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Looking to capitalize on his new locale, Manny Ramirez told SSNN he is hoping to get into the gay porn industry. The latest addition to the Los Angeles [continue reading...]

Posted on August 4th, 2008

Dodgers to play two outfielders

LOS ANGELES -- Citing the "egregiously bad defense and lackluster effort" that Manny Ramirez brings to the table, the Los Angeles Dodgers have decided that they'll only be playing Matt [continue reading...]

Posted on August 2nd, 2008

Disgruntled Manny Ramirez demands trade from Dodgers

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez wants to be traded again, asking the Dodgers formerly for a trade, about six hours before his first appearance with the team. Ramirez, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 1st, 2008

Manny Ramirez always rounds up

Man-Ram has his own special rules of mathematics.

BOSTON, MA -- Manny Ramirez raised some eyebrows this week when he stated that he has "nearly 2000 RBIs," since a quick check of his career statistics shows that he's [continue reading...]

Posted on July 28th, 2008

Manny looking to alleviate summer boredom

Manny’s trying to alleviate boredom with Etch-a-Sketch activities…

BOSTON, MA -- As June comes to a close and baseball reaches the heart of its season, the wear of eighty-plus games is starting to take its toll on the [continue reading...]

Posted on June 30th, 2008

Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls

This isn’t exactly what Satan looks like, but it’s close

BOSTON, MA -- In celebration of their first NBA championship in 22 years, the city of Boston has scheduled a victory parade for their beloved Celtics. The parade will be [continue reading...]

Posted on June 18th, 2008

M.I.T. prof discovers equation to determine real age of Dominican players

BOSTON, MA -- M.I.T. mathematics professor James A. Howard has come up with a formula to determine the real age of Dominican-born Major Leaguers. An avid baseball fan, Professor Howard was [continue reading...]

Posted on June 3rd, 2008

Manny frightened by time travel, refusing to leave Japan

TOKYO, JAPAN -- The defending World Series Champion Boston Red Sox have returned home from Japan with a win, a loss, and a newfound respect for Japanese culture. One thing [continue reading...]

Posted on March 28th, 2008

Ramirez done “being Manny”

FORT MYERS, FL -- For years, Manny Ramirez's odd behavior – be it hiding out in the Green Monster, jamming to his iPod between innings or serially skipping the All-Star [continue reading...]

Posted on March 1st, 2008

Red Sox team bus made last-second stop at Sports Authority in Denver

DENVER, CO -- Local citizens at one of Denver's Sports Authority locations were treated to a surprise visit from the Boston Red Sox Saturday morning, as the team had to [continue reading...]

Posted on October 28th, 2007