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Los Angeles Dodgers Archives

God apologizes to Jews for scheduling Yom Kippur during Hamels start

PHILADELPHIA and HEAVEN -- A remorseful God, already reeling from a very taxing Day of Atonement, issued a tearful apology to the world's Jews for a scheduling snafu which saw [continue reading...]

Posted on October 9th, 2008

Cubs infielders mad at Zambrano for inducing so many groundballs

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN CHICAGO AND LOS ANGELES -- As the Chicago Cubs traveled toward Los Angeles down two games to none against the Los Angeles Dodgers, several of the Cubs' infielders [continue reading...]

Posted on October 3rd, 2008

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Piazza apparently retired some time ago

Piazza was last seen wearing a bad beard, A’s warm-ups and a frown.

NEW YORK, NY -- Much to our collective surprise, SSNN has learned that Mike Piazza, future Hall of Fame catcher for the Dodgers, Mets and most recently the Padres and [continue reading...]

Posted on August 25th, 2008

Instead of cutting hair, Ramirez to wear new, technologically advanced Speedo suit

LOS ANGELES -- In need of some more quickness and in an effort to comply with the Dodgers' clean dress code, Manny Ramirez had been talking about cutting off the [continue reading...]

Posted on August 18th, 2008

Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

Even Andruw Jones can’t believe how much he sucks.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

“Manny being Manny” excuse infuriating to mother of 13-year-old Long Island boy

Emmanuel “Manny” Leiftowitz looks nothing like this.

MANHASSET, NY -- Rebecca Leiftowitz has had just about enough of her son Emmanuel "Manny" Leiftowitz's antics, and his excuses are starting to wear thin as well. "Emmanuel is such a [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

Ramirez plans to become gay porn star

Manny’s trademark dreads should help him in his gay porn career.

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Looking to capitalize on his new locale, Manny Ramirez told SSNN he is hoping to get into the gay porn industry. The latest addition to the Los Angeles [continue reading...]

Posted on August 4th, 2008

Dodgers to play two outfielders

LOS ANGELES -- Citing the "egregiously bad defense and lackluster effort" that Manny Ramirez brings to the table, the Los Angeles Dodgers have decided that they'll only be playing Matt [continue reading...]

Posted on August 2nd, 2008

Pirates sign Lyndon Larouche in effort to have all Laroches and LaRouches on team

PITTSBURGH, PA -- The Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they are signing quadrennial presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche, with the intention of amassing all living LaRoches/LaRouches on their roster. The [continue reading...]

Posted on August 2nd, 2008

Disgruntled Manny Ramirez demands trade from Dodgers

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez wants to be traded again, asking the Dodgers formerly for a trade, about six hours before his first appearance with the team. Ramirez, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 1st, 2008

Jones left behind after team picnic

If you see this man walking on the side of the highway, the Dodgers would like you to shoot him…

LOS ANGELES, CA -- The Los Angeles Dodgers announced today that they accidentally left Andruw Jones behind after last night's team picnic, and that while the search for the center [continue reading...]

Posted on July 14th, 2008

Twins defect to NL, lead West division by four games

Mauer spearheaded the Twins’ move to the NL West

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In what has been called a daring midnight escape, the entire Minnesota Twins organization defected from the gray, dreary American League Central to the sunny climes of [continue reading...]

Posted on June 28th, 2008

Wagner ironically unable to blow out candle in cupcake

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Billy Wagner has struggled mightily in recent days, failing to secure three consecutive save chances, and now troubles on the home front have been added [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2008

Actress Milano expected to break Ripken streak

Oh, the things Alyssa could do with that bat and a major leaguer…

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- According to her online baseball blog, former Charmed star Alyssa Milano expects to have sex with Tampa Bay Rays rookie bullpen catcher Arturo Guzman this Saturday night, [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2008

Tejada admits he’s actually 70-year-old former Dodger Manny Mota

Miguel Tejada, shocked after his secret was revealed

HOUSTON, TX -- When Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada was signed by the Oakland Athletics in 1993, he told team officials he was 17. But Tejada now admits he was [continue reading...]

Posted on April 18th, 2008

Mattingly tapped for lead role in Magnum P.I. movie

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Apparently being in Los Angeles has brought out the Hollywood in Dodgers bench coach Don Mattingly. The former Yankee great followed manager Joe Torre to L.A. [continue reading...]

Posted on April 8th, 2008

Jeff Kent shocker: mustache has always been fake

VERO BEACH, FL -- In one of the most shocking pieces of news to come out of spring training in years, SSNN has learned that Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman [continue reading...]

Posted on March 11th, 2008

Valdez: “Imagine how much I would have sucked” without PEDs

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO -- When reached for comment regarding his name appearing among a group of steroid users in the Mitchell Report, former major-league starter and reliever Ismael [continue reading...]

Posted on December 13th, 2007

Juan Pierre not named in Mitchell Report

LOS ANGELES, CA -- While many around baseball expressed consternation and dismay over the release of the Mitchell Report – George Mitchell's in-depth investigation of steroid use in [continue reading...]

Posted on December 13th, 2007

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