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local news Archives

Boston man spends two-thirds of date talking about John Smoltz

Smoltz probably doesn’t even know this happened.

BOSTON, MA -- After a blind date turned into an educational seminar on baseball, Jamie Jones told SSNN there is a "better chance of Tommy [O'Brien, her date] sleeping with [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

1,000,000th American man masturbates while thinking about Erin Andrews

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY -- Though he had no idea of the importance of his actions at the time, Poughkeepsie resident Gene Wilkinson made history somewhere around 12:30 A.M. Eastern Time Wednesday [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

2008 Year in Review, #6: Woman misinterprets husband-to-be’s cries of “we’re going dancing!”

CHICAGO, IL -- A local woman was saddened Tuesday after a case of confusion led her to mistakenly believe that her fiancee was planning on surprising her with dancing lessons [continue reading...]

Posted on December 30th, 2008

2008 Top 20, #12: Local economic development professional boldly predicts 40-homer softball season

WENTZVILLE, MO -- Local economic development professional Jonathan Daulton, 30, is very excited about his forthcoming softball season, according to neighbors. "I was just standing, waiting for the bus the [continue reading...]

Posted on December 29th, 2008

Regular def rendered ‘useless’ to Evanston native

EVANSTON, IL -- Local man Jason Rogers, who recently spent two weeks pet-sitting at the condominium of a wealthy friend, is now virtually unable to watch regular-definition television. "After living [continue reading...]

Posted on December 14th, 2008

Man sends wife passive-aggressive trade offers in fantasy league following domestic dispute

HARRISBURG, PA -- David DelMonico, 44, thought that inviting his wife to join his fantasy league might be a bad idea when he extended the invite pre-season. "We've got a real [continue reading...]

Posted on August 31st, 2008

Sports reporter writes column blasting himself after referring to himself in third person

GAINESVILLE, FL -- Local sports reporter John Trevor wrote a lengthy column absolutely blasting himself for a recent series of comments that he made in which he referred to himself [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2008

Man mistakenly thinks he’s sitting next to John Juanda on a plane

This is John Juanda, who was NOT on the plane with Mr. Thompson.

SOMEWHERE OVER NORTHWEST INDIANA -- Dave Thompson was so excited when he sat down on his connection flight from O'Hare to Dulles Thursday night, he could barely speak. "I sat [continue reading...]

Posted on August 27th, 2008

DataTec “Work Olympics” an enormous failure

BETHELEHEM, PA -- DataTec Systems office manager Richard Scottson is always looking for new ways to inspire the 13 employees at his branch of the Pennsylvania payroll provider. "With the economy [continue reading...]

Posted on August 25th, 2008

Kelton family Olympics marred by doping scandal

DES MOINES, IA -- James Kelton had been looking forward to Friday for more than two years, and was in a positively giddy mood when he came home from his [continue reading...]

Posted on August 18th, 2008

Tour de France reportedly over, someone presumably won

CHICAGO, IL -- North side resident Bill Meyer has suddenly realized that the Tour de France, the biggest prize in international cycling, "probably ended a couple weeks ago," but also [continue reading...]

Posted on August 14th, 2008

Woman loses wedding ring in pocket when she meets James, Paul in Beijing

BEIJING, CHINA -- Days after Kerri Walsh performed brilliantly through the distraction of having lost her wedding ring as she and Misty May-Treanor chase Olympic gold for a second time, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Chicagoans still suffering from storm

CHICAGO, IL -- Monday's violent storms are still impacting many residents in the Chicagoland area, and though life is back to normal for some, others are still feeling the effects. Jerome [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

“Manny being Manny” excuse infuriating to mother of 13-year-old Long Island boy

Emmanuel “Manny” Leiftowitz looks nothing like this.

MANHASSET, NY -- Rebecca Leiftowitz has had just about enough of her son Emmanuel "Manny" Leiftowitz's antics, and his excuses are starting to wear thin as well. "Emmanuel is such a [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

Fielder shoves woman for walking out of The Dark Knight before the end

Prince Fielder is fat. Also he has a lot of anger.

MILWAUKEE, WI -- An irate Prince Fielder is in trouble with the law today after a Monday incident in which he shoved a young woman who decided to leave a [continue reading...]

Posted on August 5th, 2008

Reporter hopes to get Pulitzer for coverage of Favre’s cell communications

Favre’s cell phone communications could be Pulitzer material.

GREEN BAY, WI -- Donald Sundsten, a lifelong reporter for a small newspaper on the outskirts of Green Bay, is hoping that he'll finally win the ever-elusive Pulitzer Prize. Sundsten's [continue reading...]

Posted on July 18th, 2008

Pennsylvania small-business owner furious with National League

Local employer holds Uggla responsible for unproductive workday.

READING, PA -- Dan Kostansky, 41, is absolutely furious today with the National League All-Star team for robbing him of potentially the most productive workday of the year. "We've got eight [continue reading...]

Posted on July 16th, 2008

“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston

BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

Underweight benchwarmer admits to steroid use

ASHEVILLE, NC -- Though more and more high-profile professional athletes are under the microscope for alleged steroid use, it is arguably more disturbing when a former over-30 B-league soccer player [continue reading...]

Posted on June 16th, 2008

Phone companies report record call volume over Joba

Joba Chamberlain is really overexcited about starting.

NEW YORK, NY -- Several leading cellular phone companies reported a record number of phone calls Friday, apparently due to the announcement that New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain will [continue reading...]

Posted on May 30th, 2008