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Houston Astros Archives

Hampton injures himself while signing contract

HOUSTON, TX -- Mike Hampton crumbled to the ground in pain Monday while signing a contract with the Houston Astros. "Hammy had just finished signing his name to the multi-year, [continue reading...]

Posted on December 1st, 2008

Selig proposes plan to make things right with Astros

HOUSTON, MILWAUKEE, NEW YORK, and PHILADELPHIA -- Bud Selig, apparently feeling "really bad" after ruining the Astros season last week and then demonstrating a total and complete double standard this [continue reading...]

Posted on September 25th, 2008

Selig to Astros: “Stop complaining, or I’ll make you play the entire 2009 season in Montreal.”

HOUSTON, TX -- As many Houston Astros players and fans express their outrage at Bud Selig's decision to force the Astros to play two makeup "home games" in Milwaukee, Selig [continue reading...]

Posted on September 22nd, 2008

Baseball owners want to use instant replay to review Selig hiring

If owners have their way, Selig’s hiring could be overturned by instant replay.

NEW YORK, NY -- As the professional baseball owners gather to consider instant replay, SSNN has learned that many of the owners are interested in using the technology to take [continue reading...]

Posted on August 19th, 2008

Astros put down El Caballo

El Caballo – in happier times, before the accident.

HOUSTON, TX -- Astros Owner Drayton McLane and General Manager Ed Wade hung their heads in collective sorrow at a news conference this morning from the Astros Press Room. "Carlos [continue reading...]

Posted on August 13th, 2008

Bob Gibson to stage Cardinals comeback

The frighteningly old Gibson is expected to slide into the #1 starter spot

ST LOUIS, MO -- In a move designed to keep up with their National League Central rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals announced today that Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson [continue reading...]

Posted on July 12th, 2008

Scratched DVD added to AL All-Stars

Selig doesn’t want to hear your whining - HE is the decider!

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a surprising turn of events, MLB has decided to add another roster player to the 2008 American League All-Star team. While most thought the [continue reading...]

Posted on July 10th, 2008

Chacon gets contract with UFC

Chacon will probably make this face a lot during his UFC career.

HOUSTON, TX -- After an altercation with general manager Ed Wade led to his being cut, former Houston Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon is trading in the Major League Baseball diamond [continue reading...]

Posted on June 27th, 2008

Steinbrenner suing MLB in wake of Wang injury

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After ace pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered an injured foot during yesterday's game in Houston against the Astros, New York Yankees boss Hank Steinbrenner has filed [continue reading...]

Posted on June 16th, 2008

Yankees to headline writers: Stop playing with our Wang

Look at the Yankees’ Wang! That’s a weird face on their Wang…

NEW YORK, NY -- Amid floods of sophomoric and juvenile headlines, the New York Yankees called a press conference today to hopefully stop the bevy of Wang references. "We get [continue reading...]

Posted on June 16th, 2008

Astros to add new attractions to Minute Maid Park

Drayton McLane is turning Minute Maid into an amusement park.

HOUSTON, TX -- Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane announced today that he would be adding new features to Minute Maid Park in order to bolster sagging attendance. "We're very excited about [continue reading...]

Posted on June 11th, 2008

M.I.T. prof discovers equation to determine real age of Dominican players

BOSTON, MA -- M.I.T. mathematics professor James A. Howard has come up with a formula to determine the real age of Dominican-born Major Leaguers. An avid baseball fan, Professor Howard was [continue reading...]

Posted on June 3rd, 2008

NL Central teams petition to have games ended after eight innings

NEW YORK, NY – In an unprecedented move, management from four of the teams within the National League Central Division have petitioned MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow their teams [continue reading...]

Posted on May 12th, 2008

Zimmerman’s success traced to Craigslist

WASHINGTON, DC -- A slumping Ryan Zimmerman blasted two home runs off of Houston ace Roy Oswalt Wednesday, a breakout performance after a terrible start to the season for the [continue reading...]

Posted on May 10th, 2008

The Truth About Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel has been lying to us all along!

Posted on May 6th, 2008

Tejada delivers on promise to hit home run for 34 year old boy

HOUSTON, TX – What was one of the feel-good stories of this baseball season – Miguel Tejada promising a young boy he would hit a home run on Saturday, a [continue reading...]

Posted on May 6th, 2008

Tejada admits he’s actually 70-year-old former Dodger Manny Mota

Miguel Tejada, shocked after his secret was revealed

HOUSTON, TX -- When Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada was signed by the Oakland Athletics in 1993, he told team officials he was 17. But Tejada now admits he was [continue reading...]

Posted on April 18th, 2008

Parents furious over Astros’ syringe giveaway promotion

HOUSTON, TX -- An embarrassed Houston Astros front office issued a statement today apologizing for a promotion gone awry. The club gave away free syringes to the first 1,500 kids [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Bourn takes “green light” too literally, steals from teammates

HOUSTON, TX -- Michael Bourn is out of control. What began as an innocent comment from Houston Astros manager Cecil Cooper during a spring training game has led to the [continue reading...]

Posted on April 7th, 2008

Matsui even more alienated after anus surgery

KISSIMMEE, FL -- Kaz Matsui thought he had heard it all. Taunts of being too small, too un-American, and too Japanese to hit a fastball have been the norm during [continue reading...]

Posted on March 28th, 2008