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hockey Archives

Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup

DETROIT, MI—In a 10-month span that witnessed the collapse of its vaunted car industry, a continued stay as the nation’s most dangerous city, and an 0-16 Lions season, it seemed [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2009

Sidney Crosby upset because all the hats on the ice hurt his vagina

WASHINGTON, DC -- Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon [continue reading...]

Posted on May 5th, 2009

Las Vegas declared ice hockey capital of North America

LAS VEGAS, NV – Long understood to be primarily a Canadian sport, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made an announcement yesterday that suggests that there is a sense change on the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 25th, 2009

Hockey to remove fighting from game; replace it with Rock, Paper, Scissors

TORONTO, CA – Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years. Due to concerns with the safety [continue reading...]

Posted on February 25th, 2009

Melrose fired by Lightning; mullet to coach team for rest of year

TAMPA BAY, FL -- The Tampa Bay Lightning have reportedly fired head coach Barry Melrose after a 5-7-4 start in the coach's second season, replacing him with Barry Melrose's mullet. "Barry [continue reading...]

Posted on November 15th, 2008

Tampa sports fans in a tizzy about the start of the Lightning season

TAMPA, FL –With the NBA still wading through its preseason and the Sony Ericsson Tennis Open having already been played earlier this year, there was very little sports entertainment to [continue reading...]

Posted on October 22nd, 2008

Hockey blogger gets record traffic on first day of NHL season

VANCOUVER, CA -- Describing it as "something like he's never seen before," John Madsen was ecstatic Thursday night while watching the amazing traffic to his hockey-focused blog on the first [continue reading...]

Posted on October 9th, 2008

Alexander Ovechkin tells family he’s going on extended business trip (again)

MOSCOW, RUSSIA—With the start of the NHL season approaching, many players and coaches are taking the time to enjoy the remaining free time they have with friends and family, knowing [continue reading...]

Posted on October 9th, 2008

Clay Aiken admits he loves hockey

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Saying he was “tired of living a lie” and that he “needed to be honest for the sake of [his] newborn son” pop superstar Clay Aiken admitted to [continue reading...]

Posted on September 24th, 2008

Bettman thrilled that Sarah Palin keeps mentioning hockey

NEW YORK -- John McCain's selection of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate may have been an unabashed attempt to placate disenfranchised conservative voters, but it has had [continue reading...]

Posted on September 16th, 2008

Boston sports fans gear up for hockey season

BOSTON, MA -- Just two days after beloved New England Patriots QB Tom Brady went down with a season ending torn ACL, Boston fans have already started looking to the [continue reading...]

Posted on September 10th, 2008

Toronto fans confused to see Buffalo and Pittsburgh play football, not hockey

TORONTO, CA -- Canada received its first taste of American football last week, but there is a lot of evidence suggesting they didn't fully understand what was happening. Fans exiting [continue reading...]

Posted on August 21st, 2008

Ovechkin wants Russian women only - DA!

Goodbye, Ocho Cinco....HELL-O, Sashen'ka Ovechkin! My new favorite athlete is even more hilarious-er than Chad, pretty cute despite the missing teeth, and he's looking for a Russian wife. OOO, ooo! Pick [continue reading...]

Posted on August 14th, 2008

Stanley Cup confiscated by airport security

Lord Stanley’s Cup was not recognized at the Pittsburgh airport

PITTSBURGH, PA -- After a tiring 82-game regular season and 4 grueling playoff series, the Detroit Red Wings finally got their hands on hockey's most illustrious prize. But only hours [continue reading...]

Posted on June 6th, 2008

Malone breaks nose during post-game press conference

Ryan Malone, before disfiguring his face

DETROIT, MI – After being thoroughly beaten up throughout the Stanley Cup Finals, Ryan Malone suffered a broken nose – again – during a press conference following Game 5. The [continue reading...]

Posted on June 4th, 2008

Hundreds of Red Wings fans hospitalized

DETROIT, MI -- Hospitals all over Detroit reported an unusual number of patients Monday, due in large part to Red Wings fans having octopi stuck in a very uncomfortable place. [continue reading...]

Posted on June 2nd, 2008

Dallas radio personality alleges Wings equipped with strategically placed rockets

DALLAS, TX -- A local sports talk show host has an interesting theory as to why his Dallas Stars are down 3-0 to the Detroit Red Wings and suddenly facing [continue reading...]

Posted on May 14th, 2008

Bettman discovers Cup has been won

NEW YORK, NY -- National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman was delighted yesterday to hear that one of the thirty teams in his league had won the Stanley Cup. "Oh really? [continue reading...]

Posted on June 14th, 2007