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His Royal Highness Cole Hamels Archives

2008 Top 20, #14: Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Following a dominant National League Championship Series in which the lefthander won the MVP award, Cole Hamels has been given a contract extension by the Philadelphia Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on December 28th, 2008

Man buys wife $179.99 Cole Hamels replica jersey for birthday

FREEPORT, PA—Area woman Micala Smith had been eagerly awaiting her 34th birthday for weeks, wondering what her husband of five years, Eric, would be getting her. Much to her disappointment, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 24th, 2008

Man basically staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia page all day

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Area man Steven Kensworth, has, according to friends and coworkers basically been staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia article for the better part of the last two weeks, and [continue reading...]

Posted on November 22nd, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: McCain admits he doesn’t know who Hamels is; election in jeopardy

SCRANTON, PA -- This afternoon, John McCain held a town-hall style event at a VFW here. These events are considered to be McCain's specialty, but today, McCain made a costly [continue reading...]

Posted on October 30th, 2008

Obama uses entire half-hour infomercial to talk about Cole Hamels

SUNRISE, FL -- In what may go down as the major surprise in this year's election, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama used his entire, $4 million half-hour infomercial to make [continue reading...]

Posted on October 29th, 2008

Selig formally thanks Hamels for not stopping the rain

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Bud Selig was moments away from yet another career-defining disaster, but Cole Hamels intervened and saved the day. As Selig sat fretting that the World Series would end [continue reading...]

Posted on October 28th, 2008

Rays forfeit first game of World Series

TAMPA BAY, FL -- In an unusual move, the Tampa Bay Rays have officially forfeited the first game of the 2008 World Series, under the provision that Phillies pitcher Cole [continue reading...]

Posted on October 20th, 2008

Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Following a dominant National League Championship Series in which the lefthander won the MVP award, Cole Hamels has been given a contract extension by the Philadelphia Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on October 16th, 2008

God apologizes to Jews for scheduling Yom Kippur during Hamels start

PHILADELPHIA and HEAVEN -- A remorseful God, already reeling from a very taxing Day of Atonement, issued a tearful apology to the world's Jews for a scheduling snafu which saw [continue reading...]

Posted on October 9th, 2008

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