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Heaven Archives

God to smite prayers at Super Bowl

HEAVEN -- God is mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it any more. The Almighty ripped Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner and Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu for [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2009

Yankees make a play for another big-named pitcher

BRONX, N.Y. -- Following the historic signing of pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the New York Yankees are in talks with another big name, announcing Thursday that they are going to pursue [continue reading...]

Posted on December 12th, 2008

God actually went to bed before Kurt Warner thanked him in post-game interview

PHOENIX, AZ, and HEAVEN -- A red-faced God apologized to Kurt Warner today after revealing that indeed he had already shut off his television set and gone to bed before [continue reading...]

Posted on November 11th, 2008

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Even God sick of Clemens udpates

As Roger Clemens has become overexposed in the media yet again, SSNN revisits a classic from May 2007, when everyone was sick of the Rocket. HEAVEN -- Apparently humans are [continue reading...]

Posted on February 13th, 2008

Tom Brady now favorite Son of The Almighty

BOSTON, MA -- Seán Patrick Cardinal O'Malley, Archbishop of Boston, declared today that after watching a repeat of last weekend's contest between the Patriots and the Dolphins, it has become [continue reading...]

Posted on October 24th, 2007

Holy Cow! Heavenly Caray beats crap out of newcomer Rizzuto

PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN -- According to reports from heaven, Phil Rizzuto's eternity of unadultered joy and unequivocal bliss had to be delayed slightly upon his arrival, as his spirit was [continue reading...]

Posted on August 15th, 2007

Even God sick of Clemens updates

HEAVEN -- Apparently humans are not the only beings sick of hearing about Roger Clemens' eventual return to the New York Yankees. Weighing in from his Heavenly throne, God said [continue reading...]

Posted on June 2nd, 2007

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