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Hank Steinbrenner Archives
Bruce Springsteen eaten by CC Sabathia during meeting
TAMPA BAY, FL -- Millions of Americans are reeling right now after they've found out that Bruce Springsteen will not be able to perform at halftime of the Super Bowl, [continue reading...]
Posted on February 1st, 2009
Yankees assign Mark Teixeira to wake up CC Sabathia from hibernation
NEW YORK -- With spring training just around the corner, the New York Yankees are beginning their final preparations for the season. This year, that includes the daunting task of [continue reading...]
Posted on January 23rd, 2009
Yankees sign Santa Claus to a 10-year, $210M deal; still get no presents
NEW YORK, NY -- Continuing their off-season spending spree, the Yankees nabbed two big-name free agents yesterday, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and North Pole resident Santa Claus. Though Teixeira’s 8-year [continue reading...]
Posted on December 25th, 2008
Pavano to Yankees: “Be careful with long-term, high-dollar contracts for generally-unproven, injury-prone free agent pitchers
NEW YORK -- In the wake of the New York Yankees closing on a long-term deal with A.J. Burnett, the team heard from an old friend with a word of [continue reading...]
Posted on December 19th, 2008
Yankees make a play for another big-named pitcher
BRONX, N.Y. -- Following the historic signing of pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the New York Yankees are in talks with another big name, announcing Thursday that they are going to pursue [continue reading...]
Posted on December 12th, 2008
Sabathia to eat old Yankee Stadium
NEW YORK, NY—The signing of CC Sabathia by the Yankees on Wednesday presented the Yankees with one answer to two of their problems: shoring up their porous pitching staff, and [continue reading...]
Posted on December 10th, 2008
Yankees fax offer to Sabathia who promptly eats it
NEW YORK -- The New York Yankees confirmed today that they have sent a contract offer to lefty CC Sabathia, but that unfortunately the pitcher devoured the fax. "It's no [continue reading...]
Posted on November 18th, 2008
Yankee stadium to be destroyed with 55,000 Yankee fans inside
NEW YORK -- Joey DiMarino was thrilled when he checked his mail last week and found an unexpected surprise. "I never would have expected it," said DiMarino, 28, of East Rutherford, [continue reading...]
Posted on October 6th, 2008
Sarah Palin eats Scott Boras’s soul, becomes nicer
MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- SSNN has learned that Sarah Palin ate Scott Boras's soul last night, and actually became a much more friendly, generous person than she had been beforehand. "Yes, I [continue reading...]
Posted on September 4th, 2008
Joba will be on smaller, more strict pitch count when activated
NEW YORK, NY -- In an effort to protect one of the most valuable arms in their system, the New York Yankees have declared that Joba Chamberlain will be on [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2008
Yankees accidentally allow Chamberlain to finish his dinner
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Appearing at a rare press conference together with manager Joe Girardi, Yankees chairman Hank Steinbrenner revealed that star pitcher Joba Chamberlain had accidentally been allowed [continue reading...]
Posted on June 20th, 2008
Steinbrenner suing MLB in wake of Wang injury
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After ace pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered an injured foot during yesterday's game in Houston against the Astros, New York Yankees boss Hank Steinbrenner has filed [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2008
Steinbrenner suing MLB in wake of Wang injury
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After ace pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered an injured foot during yesterday's game in Houston against the Astros, New York Yankees boss Hank Steinbrenner has filed [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2008
BoSox starting rotation to work out at toxic waste dump
BOSTON, MA -- Less than a week after cancer-survivor Jon Lester's no-hitter, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they will begin working out their pitchers next to toxic waste [continue reading...]
Posted on May 23rd, 2008
Giambi also enjoys wearing bra, high heels
NEW YORK, NY -- New York Yankees first baseman and designated hitter Jason Giambi caused quite a ruckus when he revealed that he wears a gold thong to help him [continue reading...]
Posted on May 21st, 2008
MLB establishment, press, fans all excited about AL East expansion
BOSTON, MA -- Sportswriters across America are baffled by the emergence of other teams in the American League East this season. Newspapers and websites alike – not to mention the [continue reading...]
Posted on May 20th, 2008
MLB now using SurveyMonkey to conduct major rule changes
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Serious Sports News Network received word late Thursday that Major League Baseball has adopted a new and controversial method of reviewing proposed rule changes. "We've basically [continue reading...]
Posted on April 10th, 2008
Yankees announce plan to annex Quebec
TAMPA, FL -- "Sacre bleu!" was the cry of a jubilant Hank Steinbrenner at a morning press conference, when the New York Yankees Chairman announced the organization's plans to annex [continue reading...]
Posted on March 6th, 2008
Yankees to hold spring training in Baghdad
NEW YORK, NY -- Citing a lack of conditioning and mental toughness as a root cause of their annual playoff failures, New York Yankees management has announced that this year, [continue reading...]
Posted on February 13th, 2008
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