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God Archives
Obama bets stimulus plan on Super Bowl
WASHINGTON, DC -- President and number one sports fan Barack Obama has bet the future of the trillion dollar economic stimulus plan on the outcome of this weekend's Super Bowl [continue reading...]
Posted on January 30th, 2009
God to smite prayers at Super Bowl
HEAVEN -- God is mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it any more. The Almighty ripped Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner and Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu for [continue reading...]
Posted on January 29th, 2009
Kurt Warner regularly thanks God for Matt Leinart sucking
TAMPA, FL -- As a successful man of faith, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has often found himself giving thanks to his creator for the many good things that have [continue reading...]
Posted on January 27th, 2009
God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers
PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]
Posted on January 21st, 2009
God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers
PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]
Posted on January 20th, 2009
Kurt Warner makes donations in his teammates name as a thank you for getting him to the Pro Bowl
PHOENIX, AZ -- On the eve of the franchise's biggest game in the last sixty years, the Arizona Cardinals clubhouse is in turmoil today after Kurt Warner gave presents to [continue reading...]
Posted on January 16th, 2009
Hamilton wins best season by dude who once had a heroin addiction
ARLINGTON, TX -- Much was made in baseball circles of the lack of activity during last week's Winter Meetings in Las Vegas, but fans may be surprised to learn that [continue reading...]
Posted on December 17th, 2008
Yankees make a play for another big-named pitcher
BRONX, N.Y. -- Following the historic signing of pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the New York Yankees are in talks with another big name, announcing Thursday that they are going to pursue [continue reading...]
Posted on December 12th, 2008
Special to SSNN: Letter to the Editor from God regarding Kurt Warner-love
This is a special letter received by SSNN via tablet this morning. Dear Readers of SSNN: God here. Just want to let you know that I indeed was responsible for the [continue reading...]
Posted on November 12th, 2008
God actually went to bed before Kurt Warner thanked him in post-game interview
PHOENIX, AZ, and HEAVEN -- A red-faced God apologized to Kurt Warner today after revealing that indeed he had already shut off his television set and gone to bed before [continue reading...]
Posted on November 11th, 2008
Texas Tech fan totally fakes out God and jinxes Penn State
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Local banker and Texas Tech alumnus/fan Dave Greene held a news conference Saturday night, on the heels of Penn State’s devastating, disgusting, and demoralizing defeat at the [continue reading...]
Posted on November 8th, 2008
Selig formally thanks Hamels for not stopping the rain
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Bud Selig was moments away from yet another career-defining disaster, but Cole Hamels intervened and saved the day. As Selig sat fretting that the World Series would end [continue reading...]
Posted on October 28th, 2008
Defiant atheist continues to use the term ‘Devil Rays’
JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Local atheist John Meyers has launched a subtle and moderately passive-aggressive protest as more and more attention is focused on the success of the Tampa Bay Rays [continue reading...]
Posted on October 13th, 2008
God apologizes to Jews for scheduling Yom Kippur during Hamels start
PHILADELPHIA and HEAVEN -- A remorseful God, already reeling from a very taxing Day of Atonement, issued a tearful apology to the world's Jews for a scheduling snafu which saw [continue reading...]
Posted on October 9th, 2008
Martin Luther causes rift with Church over instant replay
WITTENBERG, GERMANY—German monk Martin Luther created a firestorm of controversy the other day when he unabashedly and publicly nailed to a church door his 95 arguments for the Church’s adoption [continue reading...]
Posted on September 25th, 2008
Evangelicals take credit for Tampa Bay playoff berth
TAMPA BAY, FL -- Christian evangelicals across the country are rejoicing today as the Tampa Bay Rays have made the playoffs, an event for which evangelicals are taking complete credit. "See [continue reading...]
Posted on September 24th, 2008
Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”
NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
Rays’ Maddon hailed as Second Coming
TAMPA, FL -- Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon has, by the standards of many baseball experts, performed a miracle in leading his previously hapless squad to first place in [continue reading...]
Posted on July 10th, 2008
God manipulating games to win bracket contest
BRISTOL, CT -- Amid all of the upsets and busted brackets from the first weekend of the NCAA men's basketball tournament, there is one bracket on ESPN.com's Tournament Challenge – [continue reading...]
Posted on March 25th, 2008
Pettitte took HGH to strengthen relationship with God
TAMPA, FL -- An emotional Andy Pettite addressed reporters Tuesday at Yankees camp, telling them that he took human growth hormone only a couple of times, and that in all [continue reading...]
Posted on February 19th, 2008
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