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Gary Bettman Archives

Hockey to remove fighting from game; replace it with Rock, Paper, Scissors

TORONTO, CA – Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years. Due to concerns with the safety [continue reading...]

Posted on February 25th, 2009

Sean Avery calls Bettman a “stinkypants crapface”

DALLAS, TX -- Furious Dallas Stars defenseman Sean Avery lashed out at NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman after Bettman suspended Avery this week. "Gary Bettman is a poohead, and that's all there [continue reading...]

Posted on December 5th, 2008

Bettman thrilled that Sarah Palin keeps mentioning hockey

NEW YORK -- John McCain's selection of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate may have been an unabashed attempt to placate disenfranchised conservative voters, but it has had [continue reading...]

Posted on September 16th, 2008

Malone breaks nose during post-game press conference

DETROIT, MI – After being thoroughly beaten up throughout the Stanley Cup Finals, Ryan Malone suffered a broken nose – again – during a press conference following Game 5. The [continue reading...]

Posted on June 4th, 2008

NHL to get in on celeb dance craze, pair players with figure skaters

NEW YORK, NY -- Americans have a well-documented obsession with celebrities and reality television. So combining the two makes all the sense in the world, right? Well, that's something the [continue reading...]

Posted on April 3rd, 2008

Hockey to hold playoffs despite lack of attention

NEW YORK -- In a poorly attended Sunday afternoon press conference, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced that the league plans to hold their semi-annual postseason tournament despite the fact that [continue reading...]

Posted on March 4th, 2007

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