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Football Archives

Baltimore mayor to change name to “Steelerssuckballsxon”

BALTIMORE, MD -- In a somewhat extreme response to Pittsburgh counterpart Luke Ravenstahl changing his last name to Steelerstahl, Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon will become Sheila Steelerssuckballsxon later this morning. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

Vick threatening to become a vet if he can’t play in NFL

Oswaldo does NOT want Michael Vick as a vet!

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- After watching his former team thrive with rookie Matt Ryan at quarterback, former NFL star Michael Vick knows his days as an Atlanta Falcon are over – [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”

DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Myron Rolle’s teammates believe he was drafted by Oxford

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Florida State safety Myron Rolle pleasantly surprised the sporting world today with his announcement that as a result of his being awarded a Rhodes Scholarship, he was going to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

Local man not really interested in trading places with Donovan McNabb

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- As the Philadelphia Eagles were sewing up their victory over the New York Giants, Simon Humphries noted that it must be nice to be Donovan McNabb. "I was [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2009

Conservatives concerned about unpopularity of proposed bowl games

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With Barack Obama poised to take office in a week, conservatives in congress are surprisingly wrapped up in another disaster for the Republican party as they work [continue reading...]

Posted on January 13th, 2009

Two dudes in Tampa pretty nervous about getting stabbed by Ray Lewis’s entourage three weeks from tonight

TAMPA, FL -- Juan Montanez and Cecil "Lucky C" Whitman are freaking out today, with the anticipation that one of them will almost surely be stabbed by one of [continue reading...]

Posted on January 12th, 2009

Favre resumes taking painkillers

NEW YORK, NY—In what has become a rather predictable off-season routine for the football world, Jets quarterback Brett Favre announced today that he will, after spending several weeks with his [continue reading...]

Posted on January 10th, 2009

Brett Favre has (probably) played his last NFL game (we think)

NEW YORK -- SSNN has (sort of) learned that (potentially) Brett Favre of the New York Jets is going to (maybe) retire from football and that the future Hall of [continue reading...]

Posted on January 8th, 2009

Pennington to be benched for 2009 season, hopes to be first three-time Comeback Player

Pennington is excited to take next year off and compete for the 2010 Comeback Player of the Year.

MIAMI, FL -- On the heels of their playoff disappointment, the Miami Dolphins have reached an agreement with quarterback Chad Pennington, the 2008 Comeback Player of the Year, to bench [continue reading...]

Posted on January 7th, 2009

Vikings blame weather for playoff loss

Tarvaris Jackson was negatively affected by the weather in the Metrodome on Sunday.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- Meeting the media after their disappointing 26-14 playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the Minnesota Vikings readily acknowledged the sloppiness of their game, but were [continue reading...]

Posted on January 5th, 2009

Donovan McNabb religiously abides by $10 limit in family gift exchange

McNabb happily sticks to the family’s $10 gift limit.

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- According to members of his family, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb continues to be a stringent follower of the family's ten dollar limit in their yearly Christmas [continue reading...]

Posted on December 31st, 2008

2008 Top 20, #9: Rodgers offers to not play for only $15 million

GREEN BAY, WI -- After yesterday's reports that the Green Bay Packers offered erstwhile QB Brett Favre as much as $20 million to stay retired, the Pack's quarterback debacle has [continue reading...]

Posted on December 30th, 2008

Shanahan goes to NFL.com for first time ever Sunday night; discovers Broncos almost made playoffs

DENVER, CO -- Upon returning to his house in the suburbs of Denver after a crushing defeated at the hands of the San Diego Chargers, Mike Shanahan couldn't sleep, so [continue reading...]

Posted on December 29th, 2008

2008 Year in Review, #18: Favre apologizes for behavior, shares Packers playbook with everyone

NEW YORK NY—A disgraced Brett Favre confessed to reporters on Monday that he had indeed tipped off the Lions about the Packers playbook schemes before his former team faced Detroit [continue reading...]

Posted on December 27th, 2008

2008 Top 20, #19: Family dog furious after NFL Network left on all day Friday

DENVER, CO -- Jon and Katie Dempsey's dog Rex is furious with the couple this snowy Saturday morning after they accidentally left the NFL Network on all day Friday while [continue reading...]

Posted on December 27th, 2008

Matt Cassel not making any friends with “updog” jokes in locker room

Cassel shares an updog joke with the media.

FOXBORO, MA -- After leading his team in a pasting of the Arizona Cardinals with another huge passing day, New England Patriots QB Matt Cassel should be the toast of [continue reading...]

Posted on December 25th, 2008

Korhnheiser makes MNF execs wistful for halcyon days of Dennis Miller

CHICAGO, IL -- As yet another season's worth of Monday Night Football featuring Tony Kornheiser draws to a close, the higher-ups who handle the ESPN's sole pro football property are [continue reading...]

Posted on December 23rd, 2008

Cutler misses crucial practice when stuck in line buying fleece throws at Old Navy (for only $3!)

DENVER, CO -- Broncos starting quarterback Jay Cutler took a personal day Tuesday, blowing off a crucial practice so he could shop at Old Navy. "I was on my Twitter this [continue reading...]

Posted on December 23rd, 2008

Millen Claims 0-16 Lions Season will be his Magnum Opus

DETROIT, MI—The Detroit Lions made history on Sunday, becoming the first 0-15 team in the history of the NFL, and look poised to become the first team to finish a [continue reading...]

Posted on December 22nd, 2008

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