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ESPN Archives
Mel Kiper, Jr. goes into hibernation for the summer
NEW YORK, NY—Following the conclusion of last weekend’s NFL draft, ESPN’s NFL-draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. retreated to his cave in upstate New York where he has gone [continue reading...]
Posted on April 30th, 2009
American public still under impression baseball players of old wouldn’t have used steroids
NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his [continue reading...]
Posted on February 12th, 2009
Cardinals move up to seventh in ESPN’s latest power rankings
BRISTOL, CT -- Sunday's release of the ESPN.com's latest NFL power rankings saw the Arizona Cardinals make a big jump to seventh, while the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings took [continue reading...]
Posted on January 25th, 2009
Reports from the Kornheiser family indicate that watching a game with Tony Kornheiser on the couch is as or more annoying than watching it with him commentating on TV
WASHINGTON, DC -- Reports from the nation's capital this holiday season indicate that although Monday Night Football is over for the year, commentator Tony Kornheiser is just as annouing as [continue reading...]
Posted on January 12th, 2009
Jay Mariotti embraces new media by choosing oldest dot-com in existence
CHICAGO, IL -- After spending several months in limbo following his sudden departure from the Chicago Sun Times, former newspaper columnist Jay Mariotti will live out his dream of entering [continue reading...]
Posted on January 7th, 2009
Korhnheiser makes MNF execs wistful for halcyon days of Dennis Miller
CHICAGO, IL -- As yet another season's worth of Monday Night Football featuring Tony Kornheiser draws to a close, the higher-ups who handle the ESPN's sole pro football property are [continue reading...]
Posted on December 23rd, 2008
FOX trades NFL Robot for BCS Championship
NEW YORK, NY -- It was announced earlier this month that the Fox network would not retain the rights to broadcast the BCS championship games for the 2010 and 2011 [continue reading...]
Posted on December 21st, 2008
ESPN discovers 28 other MLB squads
BRISTOL, CT -- With the help of a research team numbering in the hundreds, sports media giant ESPN made a startling discovery this weekend that, over time, could prove to [continue reading...]
Posted on December 21st, 2008
Stuart Scott’s wife refuses hug, hand-pound
BRISTOL, CT -- ESPN SportsCenter anchor Stuart Scott's wife had enough, apparently, refusing both a hug and a hand-pound when her husband returned from taping his show "Stump the Schwab" [continue reading...]
Posted on December 20th, 2008
ESPN discovers 28 other MLB squads
BRISTOL, CT -- With the help of a research team numbering in the hundreds, sports media giant ESPN made a startling discovery this weekend that, over time, could prove to [continue reading...]
Posted on December 20th, 2008
Hamilton wins best season by dude who once had a heroin addiction
ARLINGTON, TX -- Much was made in baseball circles of the lack of activity during last week's Winter Meetings in Las Vegas, but fans may be surprised to learn that [continue reading...]
Posted on December 17th, 2008
(Jim) Rome sacked by barbarians
LOS ANGELES, CA—Doctors at Los Angeles County Hospital confirmed today that Jim Rome, controversial sports personality and host of Jim Rome Is Burning was sacked by Barbarians who broke into [continue reading...]
Posted on December 17th, 2008
Announcement of canceled Arena Football League season is accidentally covered
BRISTOL, CT—To the shock and surprise of many, the announcement that the 2009 Arena Football League season would be canceled due to financial problems, was actually noted and covered by [continue reading...]
Posted on December 16th, 2008
Kornheiser spends most Sunday nights sleeping in a Dumpster
HOUSTON, TX -- A Burger King employee was startled this morning to find ESPN Monday Night Football announcer Tony Kornheiser fastasleep in the bottom of the trash receptacle. "I'm a big [continue reading...]
Posted on December 1st, 2008
ARCHIVES: Sports Guy’s wife hasn’t read his column in years
Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece. LOS ANGELES, CA -- Kari Simmons, wife of ESPN's Bill Simmons, reportedly hasn't read any of his columns in years. The [continue reading...]
Posted on November 22nd, 2008
Jaws totally drank from Kornheiser’s soda last night; “Act of War,” says Kornheiser
PHOENIX, AZ -- In what was either a complete accident or an overt act of war, Ron Jaworski reached down and took a sip of soda last night, setting off [continue reading...]
Posted on November 11th, 2008
Bush tells Obama which channel ESPN is at the White House
WASHINGTON, DC -- President-elect Barack Obama and his good bride Michelle took to the White House on Monday, for meetings with President George W. Bush and first lady Laura Bush, [continue reading...]
Posted on November 11th, 2008
INS raids ESPN Deportes
BRISTOL, CT—I.N.S. officials conducted a raid on ESPN’s sister company ESPN Deportes late yesterday afternoon, acting on an anonymous tip that the company was employing illegal aliens. Two dozen employees [continue reading...]
Posted on October 15th, 2008
Harold Reynolds eliminated from playoffs
CHICAGO, IL -- After a hard fought American League Divisoin series, Harold Reynolds has reluctantly accepted the reality that's he's out of the playoffs. As the visiting Tampa Bay [continue reading...]
Posted on October 8th, 2008
Sabathia loses control; weight expected to balloon.
MILWAUKEE, WI--Fresh off his disappointing performance in the Brewers' opening-round elimination, CC Sabathia has vanished, leaving friends and family concerned about the ace's weight and safety. ''It's no secret CC has [continue reading...]
Posted on October 6th, 2008
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