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drinking Archives

Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”

DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Bengals hope to sign most of Georgia football team

CINCINNATI, OH -- The Cincinnati Bengals have turned the full resources of their scouting department toward Georgia, especially two members of the state university's football team who were removed during [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Packers embroiled in retirement controversy

All this retirement controversy is really overwhelming Ted Thompson.

GREEN BAY, WI -- Earlier this year, he announced he was leaving the Green Bay Packers and the National Football League behind. He already had a storied career, he was [continue reading...]

Posted on July 18th, 2008

MRI discovers beer bottles, license plate in Youkilis’ beard

BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis went in for an MRI Tuesday on his injured right eye, but what doctors found – and where they found [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

NASCAR, horse racing to merge

CHARLOTTE, NC -- In another shrewd marketing move, the executives at NASCAR have announced that they are joining forces with the Jockey Club of America and several state horse racing [continue reading...]

Posted on June 13th, 2008

Chicago’s newest sex symbol – Sweet Lou

Sweet Lou takes a sexy walk to the mound.

CHICAGO, IL -- Lost in the shuffle of Cedric Benson being an idiot, Ozzie Guillen's frequent rants and a perennial loser owning the best record in Major League Baseball, an [continue reading...]

Posted on June 11th, 2008

ESPN shuts down after running out of hair care products

Van Peezy – basically down for whatever…

BRISTOL, CT – Though it may often seem that nothing can stop the sports television juggernaut that is ESPN, the network was forced to shut down for several hours yesterday [continue reading...]

Posted on May 28th, 2008

Noah too high to understand charges against son

Yannick Noah is almost certainly high in this picture

PARIS, FRANCE -- For all their strange behavior – and stranger hair – it seems that at least one age-old maxim applies to the Noah family: like father, like son. [continue reading...]

Posted on May 27th, 2008

Brewers’ mediocre play leading Uecker to drink again

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Entering the season, Milwaukee Brewers fans had reason to be optimistic about their team's chances to win a division title in 2008. After all, the Brew Crew [continue reading...]

Posted on April 30th, 2008

Skiles wakes up hungover, hopes he didn’t do anything stupid in Milwaukee on Monday

Skiles tries not to vomit after realizing what he’s done

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Former NBA guard and recent Bulls head coach Scott Skiles woke up Tuesday morning with a brutal hangover and a nagging feeling that he had done something [continue reading...]

Posted on April 22nd, 2008

Leinart claims he always drinks out of bong

PHOENIX, AZ -- Photos showing former USC and current Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart holding court with some young ladies in a hot tub and utilizing a beer bong made [continue reading...]

Posted on April 7th, 2008

Cardinals players, coaching staff outraged by Leinart party photos

GLENDALE, AZ -- After photos of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart partying last weekend at his Arizona home become public via the internet, the young starlet's teammates and coaches angrily [continue reading...]

Posted on April 3rd, 2008

Daly to play supporting role in Beerfest sequel

NAPLES, FL -- Embattled professional golfer John Daly scored a victory of sorts off the course Wednesday, as sources close to the former British Open champion tell SSNN that Daly [continue reading...]

Posted on March 26th, 2008

John Daly’s friends fear golfing habit interfering with drinking, carousing

CORDOVA, TN -- Friends of John Daly have expressed grave concern over the Cordova resident's apparent preoccupation with golfing, and the toll it is exacting over his lifestyle of excessive [continue reading...]

Posted on March 21st, 2008

Isiah attempting to trade for Tiger

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In an attempt to save the floundering New York Knicks, embattled coach Isiah Thomas has contacted representatives of the PGA Tour, and is attempting to [continue reading...]

Posted on March 13th, 2008

NASCAR plan to have drivers drink before race fizzles

ATLANTA, GA -- NASCAR CEO Bill France has been criticized by numerous organizations, including Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention, for his idea to set [continue reading...]

Posted on March 8th, 2008

Boycott forces postponement of Bud Bowl

ST. LOUIS, MO -- A last minute boycott has led to the postponement of this year's Bud Bowl. In a show of solidarity, a united front of Anheuser-Busch products, both [continue reading...]

Posted on February 3rd, 2008

Jacobson to Catholic group: “It’s not like I molested a little boy”

BRISTOL, CT -- ESPN's Dana Jacobson returned from suspension earlier this week, but continues to receive hate mail and demands for her firing from a number of Catholic groups who [continue reading...]

Posted on January 30th, 2008

Entire Baylor team misses exam following five-OT thriller

WACO, TX -- The instant euphoria that surrounded the Baylor Bears basketball team late last Wednesday night was reduced to nothing more than utter, hangover-induced disappointment by early Thursday morning. [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2008

New NASCAR rule replaces burnouts with vomiting fan

NEW YORK, NY -- A controversial new rule will make its debut this NASCAR season, with burnouts being replaced by a lucky fan getting to puke all over a real [continue reading...]

Posted on January 23rd, 2008