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Detroit Archives

Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup

DETROIT, MI—In a 10-month span that witnessed the collapse of its vaunted car industry, a continued stay as the nation’s most dangerous city, and an 0-16 Lions season, it seemed [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2009

Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers

DETROIT, MI--President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety [continue reading...]

Posted on March 30th, 2009

Millen Claims 0-16 Lions Season will be his Magnum Opus

DETROIT, MI—The Detroit Lions made history on Sunday, becoming the first 0-15 team in the history of the NFL, and look poised to become the first team to finish a [continue reading...]

Posted on December 22nd, 2008

Celtics’ bandwagon collapses under immense weight

BOSTON, MA -- Tragedy struck the Celtics fan base today as the team's bandwagon suddenly collapsed beneath millions of people in green "BEAT LA" t-shirts. Thousands were injured, though no [continue reading...]

Posted on June 17th, 2008

Hundreds of Red Wings fans hospitalized

DETROIT, MI -- Hospitals all over Detroit reported an unusual number of patients Monday, due in large part to Red Wings fans having octopi stuck in a very uncomfortable place. [continue reading...]

Posted on June 2nd, 2008

Pilgrims flock to see Virgin Mary on Rasheed Wallace’s head

DETROIT, MI -- Workouts at The Palace at Auburn Hills are jam-packed, the roads leading in and out of Detroit are congested, and airports as far away as Chicago are [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2007

Baseball geek in Detroit has erotic dream about Rick Porcello

DETROIT, MI -- John Marshall, a 19-year old Detroit native, awoke Thursday morning feeling spry, as usual, until a creeping feeling got the best of him. "You know how sometimes [continue reading...]

Posted on August 16th, 2007

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