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David Stern Archives

Trail Blazers to League: Pick up Miles and we’re telling on you

PORTLAND, OR—The Portland Trail Blazers have issued the direst of warnings to its fellow 29 teams: sign Darius Miles and we are so telling on you. Miles, who November 2006 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 10th, 2009

2008 Top 20, #8: Citing failures in New Orleans, NBA moving ‘09 All-Star to Jakarta

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- Describing the All-Star Weekend in New Orleans as a "monumental error in judgment and a tremendous letdown," NBA commissioner David Stern announced that next year's All-Star [continue reading...]

Posted on December 30th, 2008

Obama hopes to bring an NBA team to Washington DC

WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama loves basketball; this much has been well-documented. What has not yet been made public is Washington, DC's newest resident's plans for basketball in the nation's capital. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on November 25th, 2008

Stern attributes dress code to increase in quality of crime

NEW YORK, NY -- When David Stern institutes the controversial NBA dress code a couple seasons ago, he never thought it would work this fast. "It's only been a couple [continue reading...]

Posted on November 19th, 2008

SEC decides Cuban’s punishment: he must purchase the Chicago Cubs

NEW YORK, NY -- In what will stand forever as a unique example of professional sports leagues and the federal government cooperating, a committee convened by the SEC, MLB and [continue reading...]

Posted on November 19th, 2008

Cuban confused NBA with real-life, lawyers assert

DALLAS, TX—Controversial Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was indicted yesterday by the Securities and Exchange Commission yesterday after it was revealed Cuban sold 600,000 shares in Mamma.com after learning privately that [continue reading...]

Posted on November 18th, 2008

Detroit Shock wins third consecutive WNBA title, according to eyewitness account

DETROIT, MI—The WNBA, long believed to have gone the way of the dodo and the XFL, has been the subject of intense underground rumors of late, specifically concerning the legendary [continue reading...]

Posted on September 30th, 2008

Josh Howard refuses to bow to Queen of England

LONDON, ENGLAND—Dallas Mavericks Small forward Josh Howard found himself embroiled in yet another controversy yesterday during a team trip to the United Kingdom. The Mavericks had the honor of meeting [continue reading...]

Posted on September 25th, 2008

David Stern stunned to learn the Sonics are moving to Oklahoma City

NEW YORK, NY -- Everything was going fine for NBA commissioner David Stern on Sunday morning, until a weird turn of the internet ruined his day. "I was just scrolling through [continue reading...]

Posted on July 6th, 2008

Shaq claims skewed media coverage of freestyle rap

NEW YORK CITY, NY – In the wake of causing a major stir with by apparently dissing Kobe Bryant in a freestyle rap at a New York club, Shaquille O'Neal [continue reading...]

Posted on June 24th, 2008

NBA announces hiring of WWE refs

Stern was not thrilled about this headlock, but partnered with WWE anyway

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Following the exciting Finals series between the league's two most decorated franchises and the startling revelations by disgraced former referee Tim Donaghy, NBA Commissioner David [continue reading...]

Posted on June 19th, 2008

Bulls lobbying NBA for more time

Jerry needs more time to think about the NBA Draft

CHICAGO, IL -- With a little more than a week left until the 2008 NBA Draft, indications are that the Chicago Bulls are in full-fledged panic mode. A source with [continue reading...]

Posted on June 18th, 2008

Stern maintains no criminal acts by NBA referees

Stern says the refs don’t cheat, they just stink

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In an apparent attempt to silence critics in the wake of game-fixing allegations leveled by former referee Tim Donaghy, NBA commissioner David Stern addressed the media [continue reading...]

Posted on June 15th, 2008

Electronic Arts announces recall, delayed release of NBA Live ‘09

REDWOOD CITY, CA -- Electronic Arts, maker of the EA Sports line of video games, announced today that they are pushing back the release of this year's version of their [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2008

Stern to Spurs: no conspiracy, just evened numbered year

BOSTON, MA -- NBA Commissioner David Stern released a statement today in response to mounting criticism that the outcome of the NBA Western Conference Finals was fixed. In it he [continue reading...]

Posted on June 5th, 2008

Wallace T’d up at breakfast, suspended for Game 6

BOSTON, MA -- A 3-2 deficit in the Eastern Conference Finals was already going to be tough for the Detroit Pistons to overcome, but this morning it got a lot [continue reading...]

Posted on May 29th, 2008

Stern denies funny business in Draft Lottery

Stern is fed up with conspiracy theorists…

CHICAGO, IL -- After the Chicago Bulls' unlikely acquisition of the first overall pick in Tuesday night's NBA Draft Lottery, conspiracy theories have been shouted from the rooftops in Miami, [continue reading...]

Posted on May 21st, 2008

Cuban loses control, fires self

DALLAS, TX -- When he arrived at work on the morning after his Mavericks team's second straight first-round exit from the NBA playoffs, Mark Cuban was on a rampage – [continue reading...]

Posted on April 30th, 2008

Cuban trying to reverse Kidd trade before Game Five

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- A source within the Dallas Mavericks organization has confirmed that owner Mark Cuban is attempting to undo the much-ballyhooed trade for point guard Jason Kidd, "hopefully [continue reading...]

Posted on April 29th, 2008

Wizards win “Gayest Name in NBA” again

WASHINGTON, DC -- For the fifth consecutive year, the Washington Wizards have won the "Gayest Name in the NBA" award, league sources have told SSNN. The selection will become official [continue reading...]

Posted on April 28th, 2008