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Dallas Cowboys Archives
Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”
DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]
Posted on January 15th, 2009
TO mad that people aren’t including him in stuff anymore
DALLAS, TX -- When Terrell Owens thought that Tony Romo and Jason Witten were re-making plays with the explicit purpose of not including him, it was the last straw. Owens [continue reading...]
Posted on December 21st, 2008
Announcement of canceled Arena Football League season is accidentally covered
BRISTOL, CT—To the shock and surprise of many, the announcement that the 2009 Arena Football League season would be canceled due to financial problems, was actually noted and covered by [continue reading...]
Posted on December 16th, 2008
Tony Romo declares he’s “really into ginger ale”
DALLAS, TX -- Ever-quirky Dallas QB Tony Romo called a special team meeting Saturday to declare he's "really into ginger ale." "Tony asked me to gather everyone on the team for [continue reading...]
Posted on November 29th, 2008
GroupWrite: Michael Vick to rehabilitate with Cowboys
SSNN is introducing a new feature in which we'll announce a headline and solicit input from our readers, that we'll put together into a story written by the readership. If [continue reading...]
Posted on November 25th, 2008
Obama to spend entire day Friday giving sports advice to others
WASHINGTON, DC -- President-elect Barack Obama is spending Friday working on helping out the nation's sporting scene by blasting out free and unsolicited advice to various leagues, teams and athletes. [continue reading...]
Posted on November 21st, 2008
Melrose fired by Lightning; mullet to coach team for rest of year
TAMPA BAY, FL -- The Tampa Bay Lightning have reportedly fired head coach Barry Melrose after a 5-7-4 start in the coach's second season, replacing him with Barry Melrose's mullet. "Barry [continue reading...]
Posted on November 15th, 2008
Dolphins petition Supreme Court to end NFL season early so they finish with a winning record
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unsatisfied with Roger Goodell’s latest decision concerning their future, the Miami Dolphins have filed an emergency petition with the United States Supreme Court, demanding that the current NFL season [continue reading...]
Posted on November 13th, 2008
GroupWrite: Michael Vick to rehabilitate with Cowboys
SSNN is introducing a new feature in which we'll announce a headline and solicit input from our readers, that we'll put together into a story written by the readership. If [continue reading...]
Posted on October 31st, 2008
TO: “Roy Williams and I will be the perfect couple”
DALLAS, TX -- Terrell Owens moved quickly Wednesday to squash any doubts that he will be a perfect teammate for wide receiver Roy Williams, whom the Cowboys obtained from the [continue reading...]
Posted on October 15th, 2008
Cowboys desperately trying to hire Roy Williams as coach
CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams has received at least 40 frenetic phone calls from Cowboys owner Jerry Jones in the past 24 hours, who is [continue reading...]
Posted on October 15th, 2008
Adam Jones actually didn’t realize what “zero tolerance” meant
DALLAS, TX -- A dismayed Adam "Pacman" Jones is stunned that he's been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for his role in an altercation the other day and his violation [continue reading...]
Posted on October 14th, 2008
TO declares Monday night performance “best three-catch game ever in NFL history”
IRVING, TX -- Terrell Owens brashly declared that his three-catch, 79-yard, two touchdown performance was the "best three catch performance ever in the history of the NFL." Owens caught [continue reading...]
Posted on September 17th, 2008
Owens doesn’t want to talk about McNabb all the time; only 95 percent
IRVING, TX -- Terrell Owens informed local media today that he doesn't want to talk about Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles all of the time leading up to the [continue reading...]
Posted on September 14th, 2008
Patrick Henry makes bold statement in anticipation of revolution
RICHMOND, VA -- A recent revelation shows that Patrick Henry, Virginia statesman and revolutionary hero, actually said more in his most famous quote than he is generally given credit for. The [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2008
ESPN scrambling for Wednesday programming
BRISTOL, CT -- With the trade of Brett Favre from the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets completed late last night, panic struck at ESPN headquarters. "Boy, was that [continue reading...]
Posted on August 7th, 2008
Actual email from President Bush regarding the commution of Marion “Pacman” Jones’ prison sentence
SSNN has obtained an exclusive email from President George W. Bush to White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten. Bush received a request from Olympic sprinter Marion Jones to commute [continue reading...]
Posted on August 6th, 2008
Benson to enroll in flight school after latest arrest, release from Bears
AUSTIN, TX -- Though Cedric Benson's two alcohol-related arrests this summer led to his being cut from the Chicago Bears, they have not diminished his desire to succeed. "Like I've told [continue reading...]
Posted on June 10th, 2008
Convicted steroids dealer admits supplying Kurkjian, Clayton
PLANO, TX -- David Jacobs – a Plano man convicted of distributing steroids – told the Dallas Morning News late last month that he supplied steroids and masking agents to [continue reading...]
Posted on May 23rd, 2008
Dolphins may hold dance contest to lure Taylor back
MIAMI, FL -- Contrary to public reports stating otherwise, SSNN has learned that the Miami Dolphins are desperate to bring back Pro Bowl defensive end Jason Taylor. In recent months, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 22nd, 2008
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