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Cole Hamels Archives

Mayor of Poughkeepsie invites Cole Hamels to son’s wedding

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y.—Stuart Weinstein, the mayor of Poughkeepsie, has reportedly invited Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels to attend his son’s wedding, in spite of the fact that Hamels has never met [continue reading...]

Posted on October 10th, 2008

God apologizes to Jews for scheduling Yom Kippur during Hamels start

PHILADELPHIA and HEAVEN -- A remorseful God, already reeling from a very taxing Day of Atonement, issued a tearful apology to the world's Jews for a scheduling snafu which saw [continue reading...]

Posted on October 9th, 2008

Philadelphia fan commits ritual suicide after dominant start by Cole Hamels

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Cole Hamels dominated the Brewers for eight innings yesterday, propelling the Phillies to a 1-0 lead in their best-of-five playoff series, and tragically ending the life of [continue reading...]

Posted on October 2nd, 2008

Bush leaving work early to watch MLB playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC -- U.S. President George W. Bush announced that he's finishing work at 3:00 pm eastern time today, in plenty of time to get over to the residence and [continue reading...]

Posted on October 1st, 2008

Man accidentally takes fiance to Nats/Phillies game on “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place” night

WASHINGTON, DC -- When Matt Dempster thought he'd take his fiance, McKenna, to a Washington Nationals game, he thought it'd be fun to take her to see her hometown Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on September 3rd, 2008

Cole Hamels would have pitched the 16^th for NL

NEW YORK, NY -- A panicked Clint Hurdle, realizing that he had only Brandon Webb and Brad Lidge left for the rest of the game, allegedly launched a secret plan [continue reading...]

Posted on July 17th, 2008

Pennsylvania small-business owner furious with National League

READING, PA -- Dan Kostansky, 41, is absolutely furious today with the National League All-Star team for robbing him of potentially the most productive workday of the year. "We've got eight [continue reading...]

Posted on July 16th, 2008

SSNN forced to pull A-Rod story when it actually becomes true

CHICAGO, IL -- The Serious Sports News Network is reeling today after an ironic twist of events which resulted in a scheduled story for the satire site being pulled from [continue reading...]

Posted on July 8th, 2008

Dusty Baker benches Bruce, Bailey

CINCINNATI, OH -- Seemingly without any explanation whatsoever, Dusty Baker has announced that he no longer intends to keep Jay Bruce or Homer Bailey in his lineup. "I don't know," Baker [continue reading...]

Posted on June 3rd, 2008

Hamels punches wall, creates new continent

ST. PETERSBURG, FL -- Following a rough spring training outing on Friday – when the Phillies visited and lost to the Tampa Bay Rays – Cole Hamels was frustrated. The [continue reading...]

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Phillies’ fans, players still devastated by Geary trade

CLEARWATER, FL -- Angered by an early off-season trade, many Phillies fans are considering boycotting the team's spring training in sunny Clearwater, Fla. "No way I can go down there and [continue reading...]

Posted on February 13th, 2008

Hamels wins Iowa caucuses

DES MOINES, IA -- In the sort of moment that epitomizes the wackiness of this Presidential campaign season, Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels has won the Iowa primary, running [continue reading...]

Posted on January 4th, 2008

Phillies unveil new plan for Hamels

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Some thought that after losing Aaron Rowand to free agency, trading Michael Bourn and losing out on Torii Hunter and Andruw Jones, the Phillies might panic. Not [continue reading...]

Posted on December 29th, 2007

Hamels performs own Tommy John surgery, recovers immediately

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Defying the terms of his contract, medical safety measures, existing paradigms governing human flexibility and all modern views on reasonable behavior, "King" Cole Hamels performed Tommy John [continue reading...]

Posted on September 18th, 2007

Philly man briefly doubted Hamels was God

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Philadelphia native James Jenkins admitted to questioning the Godliness of Phillies starter Cole Hamels after a rocky first inning in his Friday night start against the [continue reading...]

Posted on August 13th, 2007

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