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Cole Hamels Archives

2008 Top 20, #14: Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Following a dominant National League Championship Series in which the lefthander won the MVP award, Cole Hamels has been given a contract extension by the Philadelphia Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on December 28th, 2008

Man buys wife $179.99 Cole Hamels replica jersey for birthday

FREEPORT, PA—Area woman Micala Smith had been eagerly awaiting her 34th birthday for weeks, wondering what her husband of five years, Eric, would be getting her. Much to her disappointment, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 24th, 2008

Man basically staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia page all day

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Area man Steven Kensworth, has, according to friends and coworkers basically been staring at Cole Hamels’ Wikipedia article for the better part of the last two weeks, and [continue reading...]

Posted on November 22nd, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: McCain admits he doesn’t know who Hamels is; election in jeopardy

SCRANTON, PA -- This afternoon, John McCain held a town-hall style event at a VFW here. These events are considered to be McCain's specialty, but today, McCain made a costly [continue reading...]

Posted on October 30th, 2008

Obama uses entire half-hour infomercial to talk about Cole Hamels

SUNRISE, FL -- In what may go down as the major surprise in this year's election, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama used his entire, $4 million half-hour infomercial to make [continue reading...]

Posted on October 29th, 2008

Selig formally thanks Hamels for not stopping the rain

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Bud Selig was moments away from yet another career-defining disaster, but Cole Hamels intervened and saved the day. As Selig sat fretting that the World Series would end [continue reading...]

Posted on October 28th, 2008

Rays forfeit first game of World Series

TAMPA BAY, FL -- In an unusual move, the Tampa Bay Rays have officially forfeited the first game of the 2008 World Series, under the provision that Phillies pitcher Cole [continue reading...]

Posted on October 20th, 2008

Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract

Posted on October 16th, 2008

Mayor of Poughkeepsie invites Cole Hamels to son’s wedding

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y.—Stuart Weinstein, the mayor of Poughkeepsie, has reportedly invited Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels to attend his son’s wedding, in spite of the fact that Hamels has never met [continue reading...]

Posted on October 10th, 2008

God apologizes to Jews for scheduling Yom Kippur during Hamels start

PHILADELPHIA and HEAVEN -- A remorseful God, already reeling from a very taxing Day of Atonement, issued a tearful apology to the world's Jews for a scheduling snafu which saw [continue reading...]

Posted on October 9th, 2008

Philadelphia fan commits ritual suicide after dominant start by Cole Hamels

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Cole Hamels dominated the Brewers for eight innings yesterday, propelling the Phillies to a 1-0 lead in their best-of-five playoff series, and tragically ending the life of [continue reading...]

Posted on October 2nd, 2008

Bush leaving work early to watch MLB playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC -- U.S. President George W. Bush announced that he's finishing work at 3:00 pm eastern time today, in plenty of time to get over to the residence and [continue reading...]

Posted on October 1st, 2008

Man accidentally takes fiance to Nats/Phillies game on “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place” night

WASHINGTON, DC -- When Matt Dempster thought he'd take his fiance, McKenna, to a Washington Nationals game, he thought it'd be fun to take her to see her hometown Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on September 3rd, 2008

Cole Hamels would have pitched the 16^th for NL

Hamels could strike you out just by smirking at you…

NEW YORK, NY -- A panicked Clint Hurdle, realizing that he had only Brandon Webb and Brad Lidge left for the rest of the game, allegedly launched a secret plan [continue reading...]

Posted on July 17th, 2008

Pennsylvania small-business owner furious with National League

Local employer holds Uggla responsible for unproductive workday.

READING, PA -- Dan Kostansky, 41, is absolutely furious today with the National League All-Star team for robbing him of potentially the most productive workday of the year. "We've got eight [continue reading...]

Posted on July 16th, 2008

SSNN forced to pull A-Rod story when it actually becomes true

A-Rod’s Kabbalah study caused near disaster at SSNN.

CHICAGO, IL -- The Serious Sports News Network is reeling today after an ironic twist of events which resulted in a scheduled story for the satire site being pulled from [continue reading...]

Posted on July 8th, 2008

Dusty Baker benches Bruce, Bailey

Bailey clearly wants to look like Cole Hamels

CINCINNATI, OH -- Seemingly without any explanation whatsoever, Dusty Baker has announced that he no longer intends to keep Jay Bruce or Homer Bailey in his lineup. "I don't know," Baker [continue reading...]

Posted on June 3rd, 2008

Hamels punches wall, creates new continent

ST. PETERSBURG, FL -- Following a rough spring training outing on Friday – when the Phillies visited and lost to the Tampa Bay Rays – Cole Hamels was frustrated. The [continue reading...]

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Phillies’ fans, players still devastated by Geary trade

CLEARWATER, FL -- Angered by an early off-season trade, many Phillies fans are considering boycotting the team's spring training in sunny Clearwater, Fla. "No way I can go down there and [continue reading...]

Posted on February 13th, 2008

Hamels wins Iowa caucuses

DES MOINES, IA -- In the sort of moment that epitomizes the wackiness of this Presidential campaign season, Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels has won the Iowa primary, running [continue reading...]

Posted on January 4th, 2008