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Olympics rocked by another age scandal

BEIJING, CHINA -- As the Olympics closed, one more scandal rocked the games, as American swimmer Dara Torres was found to be only 41 years old, and not 42 years [continue reading...]

Posted on August 27th, 2008

Kelton family Olympics marred by doping scandal

DES MOINES, IA -- James Kelton had been looking forward to Friday for more than two years, and was in a positively giddy mood when he came home from his [continue reading...]

Posted on August 18th, 2008

Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

NBA announces hiring of WWE refs

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Following the exciting Finals series between the league's two most decorated franchises and the startling revelations by disgraced former referee Tim Donaghy, NBA Commissioner David [continue reading...]

Posted on June 19th, 2008

Extra 10% in oft-used sports cliché discovered to be steroids

NEW YORK, NY -- The war on performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports may not be over, but an independent team of researchers operating in New York have won a significant [continue reading...]

Posted on June 18th, 2008

Stern maintains no criminal acts by NBA referees

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In an apparent attempt to silence critics in the wake of game-fixing allegations leveled by former referee Tim Donaghy, NBA commissioner David Stern addressed the media [continue reading...]

Posted on June 15th, 2008

Tour de France to have “juicer” and “non-juicer” fields

PARIS, FRANCE -- The Tour de France is the world's most famous cycling event. Covering more than three weeks and 1,800 miles, the event is brutal on both the body [continue reading...]

Posted on April 22nd, 2008

IOC also strips Jones of steroids-induced mustache

FORT WORTH, TX -- The IOC has ruled today that in addition to giving up her Olympic medals former track star Marion Jones must also relinquish "any and all residual [continue reading...]

Posted on April 14th, 2008

Peavy vehemently denies using foreign substance, attributes performance to steroids

SAN DIEGO, CA -- Despite photographic evidence of a grimy substance on his right hand, San Diego Padres right-hander Jake Peavy denied allegations that he used any kind of foreign [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

Local fantasy owner files protest seeking money back, championship trophies

SANTA CLARA, CA -- Accountant John Donovan is furious today at what he perceives to be "gross injustices" in the way that the Santa Clara Fantasy Baseball Association has handled [continue reading...]

Posted on December 13th, 2007

Marion Jones stripped of medal for pine tar infraction

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND -- In an altogether unprecedented and completely shocking development, U.S. Olympic sprinter Marion Jones has been stripped of her relay gold medal from the 2000 Sydney [continue reading...]

Posted on October 6th, 2007

Matthews, Jr. wonders what took so long

TEMPE, AZ -- In the wake of an Albany, NY paper publishing his name as part of a customer list for Applied Pharmacy Series (a suspected steroid distributor) Gary Matthews, [continue reading...]

Posted on March 2nd, 2007

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