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Chase Utley Archives

Utley to write inauguration speech for Obama; will be full of hope, optimism, profanity

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The office of President-Elect Barack Obama announced today that Chase Utley, injured second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies, has written Barack Obama's inauguration speech. "We are pleased to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 20th, 2009

Chase Utley erupts in profanity during charity bingo night at retirement home

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Phillies second baseman and all-around nice guy Chase Utley raised a lot of eyebrows last week when he declared that the Phillies were now "World Fucking Champions" [continue reading...]

Posted on November 10th, 2008

Ryan Howard “totally hit two bombs in BP today”

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Ryan Howard put on a show today at batting practice the day before the third game of the 2008 World Series, according to himself. "I totally launched two [continue reading...]

Posted on October 24th, 2008

Overly nice human being Chase Utley withdraws self from All-Star Game

PHILADELPHIA -- Chase Utley has withdrawn himself from the baseball All-Star Game on the grounds that he is getting too much positive attention, and that it would just be "so [continue reading...]

Posted on July 3rd, 2008

Phillies’ fans, players still devastated by Geary trade

CLEARWATER, FL -- Angered by an early off-season trade, many Phillies fans are considering boycotting the team's spring training in sunny Clearwater, Fla. "No way I can go down there and [continue reading...]

Posted on February 13th, 2008

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