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MLB mandates all players must speak Spanish

It’s a good thing he’s not a player, because Selig’s Spanish is pretty rusty

NEW YORK, NY -- In a unilateral move designed to improve the fluidity of the game, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled that all players in Major League Baseball (hereafter [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2008

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Baseball owners want to use instant replay to review Selig hiring

If owners have their way, Selig’s hiring could be overturned by instant replay.

NEW YORK, NY -- As the professional baseball owners gather to consider instant replay, SSNN has learned that many of the owners are interested in using the technology to take [continue reading...]

Posted on August 19th, 2008

Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

Even Andruw Jones can’t believe how much he sucks.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Scratched DVD added to AL All-Stars

Selig doesn’t want to hear your whining - HE is the decider!

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a surprising turn of events, MLB has decided to add another roster player to the 2008 American League All-Star team. While most thought the [continue reading...]

Posted on July 10th, 2008

Changes in store for All-Star Game

Bud Selig’s face is stuck like this…

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After a wildly popular voting session that boasted an all-time high 20 million votes, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced today that there will be a [continue reading...]

Posted on July 7th, 2008

Twins defect to NL, lead West division by four games

Mauer spearheaded the Twins’ move to the NL West

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In what has been called a daring midnight escape, the entire Minnesota Twins organization defected from the gray, dreary American League Central to the sunny climes of [continue reading...]

Posted on June 28th, 2008

Extra 10% in oft-used sports cliché discovered to be steroids

NEW YORK, NY -- The war on performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports may not be over, but an independent team of researchers operating in New York have won a significant [continue reading...]

Posted on June 18th, 2008

Steinbrenner suing MLB in wake of Wang injury

Hank is suing MLB and Selig

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After ace pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered an injured foot during yesterday's game in Houston against the Astros, New York Yankees boss Hank Steinbrenner has filed [continue reading...]

Posted on June 16th, 2008

Waxman literally has nothing else to do

He’s not proud of it, but Waxman can’t find shit to do…

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Henry Waxman has heard the complaints before. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman has been asked countless times, and he still has only one [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

MLB establishment, press, fans all excited about AL East expansion

BOSTON, MA -- Sportswriters across America are baffled by the emergence of other teams in the American League East this season. Newspapers and websites alike – not to mention the [continue reading...]

Posted on May 20th, 2008

NL Central teams petition to have games ended after eight innings

NEW YORK, NY – In an unprecedented move, management from four of the teams within the National League Central Division have petitioned MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow their teams [continue reading...]

Posted on May 12th, 2008

Padres GM furious with MLB ruling

Kevin Towers

SAN DIEGO, CA -- Still reeling – both physically and emotionally – from their epic, 22-inning loss to the Colorado Rockies last Thursday, the San Diego Padres are now trying [continue reading...]

Posted on April 22nd, 2008

MLB now using SurveyMonkey to conduct major rule changes

hank_steinbrenner

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Serious Sports News Network received word late Thursday that Major League Baseball has adopted a new and controversial method of reviewing proposed rule changes. "We've basically [continue reading...]

Posted on April 10th, 2008

Mitchell Investigation broadens scope, to “everyone except David Wells”

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The probe concerning illegal performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball has reportedly broadened to include every single current player in the sport, except for [continue reading...]

Posted on March 26th, 2008

Congressmen drafted by Brewers, ordered to bat against Randy Johnson

PHOENIX, AZ -- Congressmen Elijah Cummings (D-MD) and Henry Waxman (D-CA) have been drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers and ordered to suit up for Friday's exhibition contest against the Arizona [continue reading...]

Posted on March 12th, 2008

Congress to investigate sports clichés

WASHINGTON, DC -- With sequels doing so well at the movie box office, Congress has decided to put on another installment of its wildly successful series of investigations into professional [continue reading...]

Posted on March 11th, 2008

Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a shocking twist in the four-year investigation into steroid use by elite athletes, Bud Selig was charged with four counts of irritability and one [continue reading...]

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Canseco’s testicles, Selig’s dour expression lead Cooperstown’s steroid exhibit

COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame announced today that it has begun planning for an exhibit on steroids. The centerpiece of the exhibit will be a case displaying [continue reading...]

Posted on March 7th, 2008

Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”

NEW YORK, NY -- With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 19th, 2008

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