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Bud Selig Archives
MLB mandates all players must speak Spanish
NEW YORK, NY -- In a unilateral move designed to improve the fluidity of the game, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled that all players in Major League Baseball (hereafter [continue reading...]
Posted on August 29th, 2008
Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69
LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
Baseball owners want to use instant replay to review Selig hiring
NEW YORK, NY -- As the professional baseball owners gather to consider instant replay, SSNN has learned that many of the owners are interested in using the technology to take [continue reading...]
Posted on August 19th, 2008
Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids
LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on August 11th, 2008
Scratched DVD added to AL All-Stars
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a surprising turn of events, MLB has decided to add another roster player to the 2008 American League All-Star team. While most thought the [continue reading...]
Posted on July 10th, 2008
Changes in store for All-Star Game
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After a wildly popular voting session that boasted an all-time high 20 million votes, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced today that there will be a [continue reading...]
Posted on July 7th, 2008
Twins defect to NL, lead West division by four games
MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In what has been called a daring midnight escape, the entire Minnesota Twins organization defected from the gray, dreary American League Central to the sunny climes of [continue reading...]
Posted on June 28th, 2008
Extra 10% in oft-used sports cliché discovered to be steroids
NEW YORK, NY -- The war on performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports may not be over, but an independent team of researchers operating in New York have won a significant [continue reading...]
Posted on June 18th, 2008
Steinbrenner suing MLB in wake of Wang injury
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After ace pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered an injured foot during yesterday's game in Houston against the Astros, New York Yankees boss Hank Steinbrenner has filed [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2008
Waxman literally has nothing else to do
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Henry Waxman has heard the complaints before. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman has been asked countless times, and he still has only one [continue reading...]
Posted on June 9th, 2008
MLB establishment, press, fans all excited about AL East expansion
BOSTON, MA -- Sportswriters across America are baffled by the emergence of other teams in the American League East this season. Newspapers and websites alike – not to mention the [continue reading...]
Posted on May 20th, 2008
NL Central teams petition to have games ended after eight innings
NEW YORK, NY – In an unprecedented move, management from four of the teams within the National League Central Division have petitioned MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow their teams [continue reading...]
Posted on May 12th, 2008
Padres GM furious with MLB ruling
SAN DIEGO, CA -- Still reeling – both physically and emotionally – from their epic, 22-inning loss to the Colorado Rockies last Thursday, the San Diego Padres are now trying [continue reading...]
Posted on April 22nd, 2008
MLB now using SurveyMonkey to conduct major rule changes
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Serious Sports News Network received word late Thursday that Major League Baseball has adopted a new and controversial method of reviewing proposed rule changes. "We've basically [continue reading...]
Posted on April 10th, 2008
Mitchell Investigation broadens scope, to “everyone except David Wells”
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The probe concerning illegal performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball has reportedly broadened to include every single current player in the sport, except for [continue reading...]
Posted on March 26th, 2008
Congressmen drafted by Brewers, ordered to bat against Randy Johnson
PHOENIX, AZ -- Congressmen Elijah Cummings (D-MD) and Henry Waxman (D-CA) have been drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers and ordered to suit up for Friday's exhibition contest against the Arizona [continue reading...]
Posted on March 12th, 2008
Congress to investigate sports clichés
WASHINGTON, DC -- With sequels doing so well at the movie box office, Congress has decided to put on another installment of its wildly successful series of investigations into professional [continue reading...]
Posted on March 11th, 2008
Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a shocking twist in the four-year investigation into steroid use by elite athletes, Bud Selig was charged with four counts of irritability and one [continue reading...]
Posted on March 10th, 2008
Canseco’s testicles, Selig’s dour expression lead Cooperstown’s steroid exhibit
COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame announced today that it has begun planning for an exhibit on steroids. The centerpiece of the exhibit will be a case displaying [continue reading...]
Posted on March 7th, 2008
Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”
NEW YORK, NY -- With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the [continue reading...]
Posted on February 19th, 2008
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