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Boston Red Sox Archives

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Drew’s lingering back problems result of carrying team in June

Drew is just happy to know the source of his back pain.

BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox outfielder JD Drew got a surprise diagnosis from team physician Dr. Thomas Gill Wednesday regarding his ailing back. "His lower back has been bothering him [continue reading...]

Posted on August 21st, 2008

“Manny being Manny” excuse infuriating to mother of 13-year-old Long Island boy

Emmanuel “Manny” Leiftowitz looks nothing like this.

MANHASSET, NY -- Rebecca Leiftowitz has had just about enough of her son Emmanuel "Manny" Leiftowitz's antics, and his excuses are starting to wear thin as well. "Emmanuel is such a [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

Ramirez plans to become gay porn star

Manny’s trademark dreads should help him in his gay porn career.

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Looking to capitalize on his new locale, Manny Ramirez told SSNN he is hoping to get into the gay porn industry. The latest addition to the Los Angeles [continue reading...]

Posted on August 4th, 2008

Disgruntled Manny Ramirez demands trade from Dodgers

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez wants to be traded again, asking the Dodgers formerly for a trade, about six hours before his first appearance with the team. Ramirez, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 1st, 2008

Epstein unable to deal with new Red Sox IT system

Epstein is now forced to use his Blackberry to check his fantasy team

BOSTON, MA -- With the trade deadline fast approaching, Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein would like to be wheeling and dealing, trying to improve his team for a stretch [continue reading...]

Posted on July 30th, 2008

Minaya focusing on fantasy team more than Mets

Minaya has more important things to worry about than the Mets

NEW YORK, NY -- Whether the New York Mets are willing to admit it or not, Aaron Heilman is unavailable. That is the report that is circulating through the league as [continue reading...]

Posted on July 29th, 2008

Manny Ramirez always rounds up

Man-Ram has his own special rules of mathematics.

BOSTON, MA -- Manny Ramirez raised some eyebrows this week when he stated that he has "nearly 2000 RBIs," since a quick check of his career statistics shows that he's [continue reading...]

Posted on July 28th, 2008

Scratched DVD added to AL All-Stars

Selig doesn’t want to hear your whining - HE is the decider!

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In a surprising turn of events, MLB has decided to add another roster player to the 2008 American League All-Star team. While most thought the [continue reading...]

Posted on July 10th, 2008

Rays’ Maddon hailed as Second Coming

This is what Jesus looks like with thick-frame glasses and a crew cut.

TAMPA, FL -- Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon has, by the standards of many baseball experts, performed a miracle in leading his previously hapless squad to first place in [continue reading...]

Posted on July 10th, 2008

Manny looking to alleviate summer boredom

Manny’s trying to alleviate boredom with Etch-a-Sketch activities…

BOSTON, MA -- As June comes to a close and baseball reaches the heart of its season, the wear of eighty-plus games is starting to take its toll on the [continue reading...]

Posted on June 30th, 2008

MRI discovers beer bottles, license plate in Youkilis’ beard

BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis went in for an MRI Tuesday on his injured right eye, but what doctors found – and where they found [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston

BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

Schilling’s shoulder to have own blog

BOSTON, MA -- Following Boston Red Sox Pitcher Curt Schilling's recent disclosure that he will have potentially career-ending shoulder surgery, the outspoken Schilling announced today that his shoulder will chronicle [continue reading...]

Posted on June 23rd, 2008

Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls

This isn’t exactly what Satan looks like, but it’s close

BOSTON, MA -- In celebration of their first NBA championship in 22 years, the city of Boston has scheduled a victory parade for their beloved Celtics. The parade will be [continue reading...]

Posted on June 18th, 2008

Celtics’ bandwagon collapses under immense weight

BOSTON, MA -- Tragedy struck the Celtics fan base today as the team's bandwagon suddenly collapsed beneath millions of people in green "BEAT LA" t-shirts. Thousands were injured, though no [continue reading...]

Posted on June 17th, 2008

Shields suspend self for “girly punches” following Rays-Red Sox brawl

Shields shows his signature “duck and cower”

TAMPA, FL -- Apparently the punishment Major League Baseball doled out to Tampa Bay Rays' starter James Shields following a bench-clearing brawl was not enough for the big right-hander. Shields, [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Crisp to file sexual harassment suit against Navarro

BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp says punching wasn't the only thing going on between him and Tampa Bay Rays catcher Dioner Navarro at the bottom of [continue reading...]

Posted on June 6th, 2008

M.I.T. prof discovers equation to determine real age of Dominican players

BOSTON, MA -- M.I.T. mathematics professor James A. Howard has come up with a formula to determine the real age of Dominican-born Major Leaguers. An avid baseball fan, Professor Howard was [continue reading...]

Posted on June 3rd, 2008

BoSox starting rotation to work out at toxic waste dump

BOSTON, MA -- Less than a week after cancer-survivor Jon Lester's no-hitter, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they will begin working out their pitchers next to toxic waste [continue reading...]

Posted on May 23rd, 2008

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